Time For Another Sexxxy Saturday Of Presidential Primaries And Caucuses!
Pretty sure this is what caucuses look like.
Oh hey, Wonkers, are you ready for some more DEMOCRACY? Because it's time for some states to decide who they want to fight to the electoral death for the title of U.S. American President Of America. We expect that if you live in a state that has democratic activity forecasted for this lovely Saturday, you will be out there #FeelingTheBern or #ReadyingForHillz or whatever you people do. Here's what you need to know, when you need to know it:
Are a bunch of states doing stupid "caucuses" today? We bet they are doing stupid "caucuses" today.
Four states are doing stupid caucuses today. We have explained to you eleventy times that caucuses are LAME AND WEIRD AND UNDEMOCRATIC.
But if you live in Kansas, we hope you don't have any Wizard Of Oz-style shit going on, because it's time for both parties to caucus themselves into a prairie dog frenzy. Republicans, you are
not reading this anyway caucusing from 10 to 2 Central time, and then you are going to eat Cracker Barrel in the Big Lots parking lot, like you do every Saturday afternoon. Kansas Democrats, you don't even have to get there to register until 1 PM, so go back to bed right this instant!
If you are a Republican who lives in Kentucky or Maine you are
still not reading this also doing caucus sexxxytime! Your precinct captains are named Kim Davis and Gov. Dicksock McGee AKA Paul LePage. JUST KIDDING, they are not your precinct captains! Mainers have to show up at 9 IN THE FUCKING MORNING ON A SATURDAY, which should be a crime, whereas Kentucky-nistas (that's what they're called we think) have until 10 AM to drag their asses out of bed, drink like ten mint juleps to get rid of the hangover and go rock out with their caucus out. Maine Democrats have a caucus Sunday, with doors opening at like noon, but some later, check your local listings, and did we mention caucuses are insane?
Nebraska Democrats, you are also doing a caucus, because apparently "Nebraska Democrats" are a group of people who exist! Get there at 10 AM if you live in the Central time zone, or 9 AM if you live in the "Mountain Time Zone," which we continue to believe is a mythical thing that may or may not exist, like unicorns and Jesus.
For fuck's sake, can ANY state be a normal and just do a primary?
Well, we are not going to go so far as to say Louisiana is "normal." After all, it did elect Bobby Jindal governor.
But Louisana IS doing a normal primary, yeah?
Ayup! For Louisiana, it is just a fuckin' normal voting day. Polls close at 8 PM Central, so hey you Louisiana Democrats, get your asses out there and have a Laissez le bon temps rouler kinda day, drive through a daiquiri stand or pick up a Go Drink at the bar of your choice and stumble your way down to cast your vote for Bernz or the Hillbeast. Louisiana Republicans, we imagine that, despite the fact that you are surrounded by culture, history, music and the best food in America, your lives are fucking sad and boring, so try to take a break from cross-stitching God's nipples onto Bible cozies and go vote for Trump's penis or Cruz's asshole or whatever you people are going to do.
What about the other states of U.S. America?
Drink! Sleep! Netflix and chill in the actual Netflix and chilling way, or IN THE SEX WAY. Read yr Wonkette! And ... nah, we are tired of giving you suggestions, you can figure out Saturday on your own.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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