What Are Tinfoil Hatters Saying About Coronavirus? Oh, Just Normal Stuff.
Since the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic, there have been conspiracy theories about the coronavirus. But this week, as the CDC declared it a pandemic and people are really taking it seriously, extremely stupid conspiracy theories about the coronavirus have started to spread like, well, the coronavirus.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, most of these conspiracy theories have started in and around the QAnon community, as it is filled with people who simply do not believe in coincidences. Or, really, in anything in the whole world happening that is not related to their idiot conspiracy theory.
Even schools closing in order to keep children safe presents an opportunity for them to wax poetic about what that could mean for those who kill children in order to harvest their adrenal glands to produce adrenochrome, a substance that can be manufactured in a lab by oxidizing epinephrine, in order to get high off of it. You cannot, in fact, get high off of adrenochrome.
"If 'these people are sick' means adrenochrome withdrawal, then keeping children at home will prevent the elite from feeding."
So let's just dive in, shall we?
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, whom we all love, have tested positive for COVID-19 in Australia where Hanks is currently filming a movie about Elvis Presley in which he plays Presley's manager, Colonel Tom Parker — they are in isolation and are so far doing OK. That's about it on that story on the normal news front.
Hanks, over the last few years, has been the subject of a super ridiculous conspiracy theory perpetuated by a lady named Sara Ruth Ashcraft who claims she was Tom Hanks's brainwashed sex slave and that he, her parents and a whole bunch of other celebrities belong to a cult called the Hivites. Hillary Clinton, obviously, is involved in this as well, because isn't she always? Anyway, it's partially because of this that his diagnosis has sent the tin foil hat brigade into overdrive.
Randy Quaid seems to think his diagnosis is a hoax perpetuated by none other than Michelle Obama. Why? Who knows!
The Tom Hanks thing smells like a Jussie Smollett thing and it’s got Michelle Obama written all over it.— Randy Quaid (@Randy Quaid)1583990790.0
This guy on Reddit's r/Conspiracy thinks Hanks used his Golden Globes acceptance speech to send messages to the elite about coronavirus, and to telegraph the day and time he and Rita Wilson would be announcing they got it.
Also, according to some stupid people on Twitter, Hanks's most recent tweet confirming he and Wilson are OK was actually a plea for adrenochrome, and Ellen DeGeneres answered their prayers? Or something?
@DearDiandra26 @P0A_Triot23 He's hiding. His recent tweet was a plea for adrenochrome. Ellen Degeneres replied.— Dayna Bonnie Shugar (@Dayna Bonnie Shugar)1584036463.0
Also Ellen DeGeneres's decision to film her show without a studio audience — coupled with an obvious joke about having a warrant out for her arrest in the state of Florida — sent the Anons into conspiracy overdrive.
@SaRaAshcraft Oh you know she’s got the flavor of #Adrenochrome on her palate, as well as you know....— Center-Mast (@Center-Mast)1583984567.0
@TheEllenShow @nznfreez The storm is upon you. It must be depressing to know you will spend the rest of your life… https://t.co/hMcH5fibCE— Bruce Burgoyne. (@Bruce Burgoyne.)1584004784.0
Speaking of arrests, both Firefighter Prophet Mark Taylor and Liz "We Don't Want To Be Mean To Her Because She Actually Does Have Brain Damage" Crokin are claiming the coronavirus is merely a coverup for all of the mass arrests that Q has been promising them the last several years.
"I do believe that when these mass arrests happen that we will be in martial law for our own safety," Crokin said. "I believe that the coronavirus, which the president of the United States and many doctors have said is no more serious than the flu, is the cover to put the country into lockdown—just like Italy is in lockdown—to possibly declare martial law, get people off the streets, keep them in their homes, so they're safe so when the military and the National Guard sweeps in and conducts these mass arrests, it is done in a manner where people are kept safe."
"Since 2017, Q has been talking about these mass arrests, and Q has also been talking about how when these mass arrests happen, there will probably be many days of darkness, social media might go down, the National Guard is going to come in, and the military will be used to arrest these people," she added. "That is what I believe is happening right now."
In a thread about this on the Voat QAnon board, they are very, very excited for these mass arrests, the public hangings they hope will go along with them, and the idea of getting to have "side bets on how long the eyes and mouth move after decapitation." They are all very normal US citizens!
But it's not all internet randos! Sean Hannity, this week, cited an "MIT guy" who said that the whole coronavirus thing is just a big fraud meant to "manipulate economies, suppress dissent, and push mandated medicines."
Hannity, via Media Matters:
Gateway Pundit points out that as of yesterday that the President's approval rating is fine and he's getting pretty good grades on everything else. There's an MIT guy I noticed on Twitter, and you know he's saying pretty much the same thing he does research nearly every single day on immune systems he said quote "coronavirus fear-mongering by the Deep State will go down in history as one of the biggest frauds to manipulate economies, suppress dissent, and push mandated medicines." May be true.
Except probably not!
It should not surprise you at all to know that the "MIT guy" Hannity noticed on Twitter is in fact Dr. Shiva Ayyadurai, a QAnon weirdo who thinks he invented email and is currently running for Elizabeth Warren's Senate seat.
Like the coronavirus, it is likely that these conspiracy theories are likely to get worse before they get better — but hopefully they remain quarantined in the stupider parts of the internet.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse