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OH HEY WHAT IS UP, AMERICA? Robert Mueller just sent somebody to JAIL!


We told you last week about the handsome Dutch lawyer Alex van der Zwaan, whose father-in-law German Khan just HAPPENS to be a big Russian oligarch who co-owns Alfa Bank, you know, the bank that really likes sending Snapchat Sexts with this one Trump Organization server FOR SOME REASON. Van der Zwaan got hisself in a wee spot of trouble, by lying to the FBI about the work he and his law firm, Skadden, Arps, did for Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort, back when Manafort was helping a pro-Russian Ukrainian dictator dictate things in Ukrainian. He also may have destroyed (did destroy) some emails, in order to hide conversations he had with Paul Manafort, Rick Gates and "Person A," who is Paul Manafort's business associate Konstantin Kilimnik, who is literally a Russian spy. Did Van der Zwaan know Kilimnik was a Russian spy? That would be a big honking YUP, because Rick Gates told him!

By the way, this stuff? A lot of it happened during Trump's presidential campaign, specifically in September and October of 2016.

Well! Today Alex van der Zwaan was sentenced TO DEATH, just kidding, he was sentenced to OFF WITH HIS HEAD! OK we are fooling, but he has to go to jail for 30 days and pay a $20,000 fine. After that, it's two months of supervised release, but since he is a Not American, the judge says he will be free at that point to self-deport his dapper ass outta here.

Van der Zwaan had begged the mean judges to be sweet and let him go to Not Jail, because come on, he came clean about his crimes eventually, and besides his wife is pregnant, and also he has been very lonely lately, so can we just let this one little roller coaster ride full of criminal actions and hilarious loopty-loops slide? Is lying to the FBI and destroying evidence that big of a thing anyway? Um yeah kinda:

Van der Zwaan faced a recommended sentence ranging from zero to six months in prison and asked for no prison time for one count of lying to investigators, a felony. He made his false statements to Mueller’s investigation on Nov. 3, and the Skadden firm said it terminated him that month. [...]

U.S. District Judge Amy Berman Jackson acknowledged van der Zwaan’s character and willingness to turn over evidence of his crimes but said that given his means, allowing the defendant to “pay a fine at the door and walk away would not send a message of deterrence. It would do the opposite.”

“It is a message that needs to be sent, particularly because you are an attorney,” Jackson said.

In short, Jackson was saying, "BRO, DO YOU EVEN LAW?" Not at the moment, because Van der Zwaan is fired and going to jail! Also, she didn't think he was really that sorry.

To read the full summation of what Alex Van der Zwaan did, check out this Wonkette post and this Washington Post article. Van der Zwaan isn't the biggest criminal in the Trump-Russia probe, by any means. He is a young lawyer who, when faced with the decision between doing law correctly and doing dirty shit for Paul Manafort and Rick Gates and their Russian spy buddy and then lying to authorities and destroying evidence, chose the latter. But he is important in that, light sentence notwithstanding, he's obviously already helped with the investigation to the point that he's been a big help in delivering bigger fish to Mueller. And since he didn't sign a cooperating witness agreement, he still has to GO TO JAIL, sending a signal to the bigger criminals under the lens of the Mueller probe that they are definitely going to GO TO JAIL also too, even if they eventually say "OOPS, FBI, TOTALLY BEEN LYING THIS WHOLE TIME" like a common Jared Kushner or Michael Flynn, and beg for a do-over. Robert Mueller is not fucking around, y'all.

Alex van der Zwaan is just lucky they allowed him to plead out on this one little bitty charge, because he could have been headed to jail for much longer.

Today was a good day, and it was just the beginning. Can't wait to see who gets sent to jail next, PLEASE LET IT BE JARED, PLEASE LET IT BE JARED, PLEASE LET IT BE JARED, the end.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries and servers are fully paid for by YOU! Please pay our salaries.

[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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