Tom Cotton Threatens America With A Good Time

Culture Wars
Tom Cotton Threatens America With A Good Time

What a week for Republicans and their chronic desire to see that everyone in America is as devoid of any joy as they are.

First, they spend a couple of days insisting that, contra Madison Cawthorn, THEY DO NOT HAVE COCAINE-FUELED SEX ORGIES, NO SIR, ABSOLUTELY NOT, THEY WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT COOL, HOW DARE YOU.

Then on Friday, ham-brained anger ferret Tom Cotton insulted the vast majority of Americans who, unlike Cotton, do not live in a hog slop pit in Whiskey Dick, Arkansas, or wherever.

Cotton was on Fox News on Friday, looking for all the world like a man with his penis stuck in a Chinese finger trap, reminding us that he is a black hole where fun is crushed into nothingness:

Democrats "want to make us all poor," he said. "They want to make you live in downtown areas, and high-rise buildings, and walk to work, or take the subway, or ride an electric scooter, or whatever it is that Pete Buttigieg takes to work this week.”

Cities are such horrific dystopias, what with their multitude of good restaurants, entertainment and transportation options. Walking? Tom Cotton does not fuel up on baby monkeys and Jamba Juice every morning to "walk" to work. (He rides a bald eagle to work while frowning grimly at the city below, thank you very much.)

And subways? Those death traps where Tom Cotton can slip through the crack between the edge of the platform and the train door? Electric scooters, like Pete Buttigieg? So gay!

Also, the poor are more likely to be cleaning those high-rise buildings than living in them. Tom Cotton has obviously not gone apartment-hunting recently, or ever. But it's not the poor who are snapping up those million-dollar condos and $10,000-a-month one-bedrooms.

Cotton goes on to whine that Democrats want to take away your pick-up truck, your SUV, your house with a yard where your kids can set up their Fisher-Price Happy Baby Shooting Range. It's like listening to Alex Jones attending a community planning meeting. How he managed to leave out the taco trucks polluting our stomachs with deliciousness we have no idea. Maybe he's not as smart as he thinks he is.

Conservatives love to tell the people in flyover country that the city-dwelling "elites" hate them. But since the vast majority of the public lives in cities, it's safe to say that no one has more contempt for the American public than Tom Cotton and his ilk.


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