QAnon People Want To Know How Tom Hanks Can Be Gepetto If He's Been Dead For Two Years

QAnon People Want To Know How Tom Hanks Can Be Gepetto If He's Been Dead For Two Years

As you might imagine, I have some mixed feelings about Pinocchio. I kind of hate the fact that as much as I did not care for kids in elementary school calling me Robyn Pinocchio, it is still the most effective way to explain how to pronounce my last name without having to get into the whole "the Italian alphabet doesn't have a K" thing. Though I do question how people can go their whole lives, since childhood, knowing how to pronounce "Pinocchio" and still make me stand there while they go "Penna-chia? Pennashia? Pennayshia? Hold on, don't tell me, I'll get it! Penna-chichi?"

But I digress! There is a new live action version of Disney's Pinocchio available now on Disney+, which I haven't seen because I find the whole "Live action version of Disney cartoons!" thing to be both unnecessary and kind of unsettling. I probably would have liked the Beauty and the Beast one, but they eliminated my favorite song from the stage show, so no, I did not watch it.

This new version stars Tom Hanks as Gepetto, a fact which has come as a surprise to some of the very normal and well-adjusted human beings down at the QAnon-related Great Awakening message board.

As you may or may not recall, Hanks became a major figure in all of this nonsense after an especially ridiculous woman named Sarah Ruth Ashcraft had "recovered memories" of being "sold" to him as a "dissociated mind control doll" at the age of 13, by her father who was part of some evil ancient Satanic bloodline cult called "the Hivites," whom she says consist of "all of the terrorists in the entire world, including ISIS & Antifa, and every deep state ever, are part of an ancient Babylonian cult family who have dominated & ruled every civilization on earth since biblical times 6000+years." Incredibly, she is the very first person to ever mention their existence in these many thousands of years.

Since then, the QAnon/Pizzagate people come up with a variety of very absurd conspiracies about Hanks, including the claim that he has worn red shoes before in public, and that those shoes are made out of babies and also meant to serve as a signal to others involved in the child trafficking cults he is involved in that he likes to eat babies. Like you do.

Many of them also believe he had already been executed by the "white hats," along with other celebrities and politicians they don't like, several years ago at the beginning of the COVID pandemic.

"I would have bet a large sum of money that Tom Hanks was dead around March of 2020 when the weird videos and communications came through (did he ever come through for David Spade I wonder?)," wrote Lightworker15. "I realize CGI exists, and 'doubles' exist. But are they really 'training' a double to act like Hanks would to keep his name out there? Why would they bother with CGI Hanks at this point over using another actor? Am I missing something? Was I wrong to be hopeful when all that massively strange stuff happened in March 2020? Is Madonna still around too?"

So close!

Others reassured each other that he's definitely not still around because "white hats [are] in control."

[T]hey can effectively live forever in CGI and as digital actors," explained MemeToDeath2021. "Wouldn't it be ironic if the salaries of the pedo "digital actors" are being used to finance the takedown of the Hollywood pedos and cabal?"

Though some, of course, thought that perhaps he has been held prisoner by said white hats and forced to do this production by them in order to expose his true agenda to the world ... or something

Good lord... ain't that on the nose!  Y'all think the White Hats made him do this?Good lord... ain't that on the nose! Y'all think the White Hats made him do this?

To all lurking White Hats thanks for the laugh!

I choose to believe that the "White Hats" in question are fans of Dave Matthews Band who wear hemp necklaces and hats like this:

White University of South Carolina baseball hat with the word "COCKS" written on it.

User NucaCola wrote "He’s a great actor but god fucking damnit, how many movies from the last few decades are we going to have to end up purging from our society or “separate the art from the artist” once the awful truth has been publicly exposed to the masses about Hollywood?," which is interesting when you consider how mad the Right has been about these discussions regarding things that actually happened in real life rather than things made up by weirdos on the internet.

"Yeah, good thing is we can do deep fake/cgi replacements or make better movies," explained UltimateMastermind.

Not everyone was hung up on the Hanks of it all. One user decided to instead just get racist about it, commenting "I never knew how many black people lived in 1890s Italy. -there were added side characters with no meaning to the plot, seemingly just to increase the diversity screen time. -the race swapped blue ferry was cringe inducing, poorly designed, and scared my young children. -very poorly and inefficiently scripted."

First of all, Cynthia Erivo, star of Broadway's The Color Purple and upcoming star of the film version of Wicked (which I will probably watch for an entire year straight on repeat) is incredible, so shut your face.

But yeah, there were definitely Black people in 1890s Italy, something which anyone with access to a newfangled thing called "a map" would probably be able to guess, even if they didn't know that Italy occupied Libya throughout the first half of the last century.

Also I will leave this picture of Alessandro De' Medici, Duke of Florence, circa 1500 right here.

The sheer number of cognitive dissonance hoops these people have to jump through and imagine just to be able to continue to believe these things is incredible. It would actually be impressive, were it not sickening.

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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