Ana Navarro Ain’t Got Time For Melanie and Tami’s Bullshit
It's hard not to pity Melanie Trump. She's got an unpaid, very public position she doesn't want, and her own husband and assholes like me can't even get her name right. You can understand why folks want to believe she's not as awful as the family she married into for money. We're inclined to give her a pass when she shows up at flood zones in drag queen heels or wears offensive jackets when meeting the children her husband kidnapped. (Maybe we didn't give her such a pass on that.) We don't even mind when she vanishes for weeks, because if we were married to Donald Trump, wouldn't we just start walking one day and never stop until our stilettos filled with blood?
But Melanie leaned on our last nerve with her dumbass Be Best initiative. Most first ladies choose a relatively innocuous cause to champion. Barbara Bush promoted literacy, which paired well with the first President Bush's tendency to read. Standing up against cyberbullying seems like a good fit for a modern first lady hep to the Interwebs. Unfortunately, it kind of feels like trolling when the president is an actual troll who regularly cyberbullies political opponents and uppity citizens.
Monday Melanie delivered a clueless "bullying is bad/yes I know I'm married to Donald Trump" speech. CNN commentator Ana Navarro had enough of her crap, and, taking the gloves off, argued on Twitter that the only "plausible explanation" for Melanie's lack of "self-awareness" and "any sense of shame" was that she'd suffered "oxygen deprivation to the brain."
Oxygen deprivation might also explain Melanie's Patty Hearst-style delivery. Melanie also didn't help her case any by seeming to forget how jackets work. Lady, it's not a cape. You're not the "Batgirl of cyberbullying." Put your arms through the sleeves. It'll work much better.
Trying to raise her repugnant profile, right-wing nuisance Tomi Lahren called out Navarro on "Fox & Friends" for not being deferential enough to the first (technically third) lady with her "disgusting and vile" comments. Now, you know my kinfolk didn't endure Jim Crow for me to link to any video of Klan Rally Barbie here, so I'm just gonna share some of the word diarrhea that blew out of her stupid mouth rectum.
"I think Ana Navarro would be wise to find a mirror and look at it because everything she said about Melania Trump is what I'm thinking about her... Can you imagine if we would sit here and attack Michelle Obama for something she was trying to do to better the country? We'd be attacked up and down. But because it's Melania, because her last name is Trump, people like Ana Navarro think it's okay that they're entitled to do that."
Lahren is as willfully obtuse as ever. Navarro doesn't have a problem with anti-bullying efforts. She just thinks they're a little futile coming from the wife of a president who probably still collects the lunch money from weaker kids. Melanie couldn't even persuade Trump to play nice on Twitter on the day of her speech. He was out there tweeting out atomic wedgies to Jeff Sessions and Robert Mueller.
This is normally where we might waste our time going through the many real-life historical examples of the right wing and FOX in particular treating Michelle Obama like a Second-Class Lady. Fortunately, we don't have to, because to borrow from one of my favorite YouTube channels, Navarro would be amazing at Wonkette.
Look, Lahren, don't come for Navarro unless she calls for you. She's out of your league, and she's not going to coddle you like most liberal dudes do. She doesn't consider you a worthy adversary. She isn't going to pat you on the head. She's going to leave you with some bald patches.
Here she is mopping the floor with former Arizona governor Jan Brewer.
If the first lady was actually serious about this Be Best campaign of hers, she should worry when people like Lahren, who are mean girls professionally, defend her efforts. It's like the Wicked Witch of the West supporting the Clean Water Act.
In a sort of "Be Worst" moment, Melanie announced an upcoming solo trip to Africa, which I should point out is almost 9,000 miles away from her husband. She claims she wants to learn about the "rich culture and history" of a place that the president has dismissed as containing "shithole countries." But hey, pass the injera, right? Melanie wants a break from Trump. Don't we all, sister.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.