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You know, I hate to say it, but a lot of our mainstay conservative firebrands just ain't what they used to be. Rush Limbaugh? Still saying the exact same shit he's been saying since I had a "Flush Rush" sticker on my Trapper Keeper in 4th grade. Ann Coulter? Who is even sort of shocked at anything she says anymore? It's like white noise at this point. "Oh! Hey! Ann Coulter said another thing that only an asshole would say! Surprise!" And, perhaps most tragically of all, Glenn Beck is barely even being Glenn Beck anymore. I can hardly remember the last time I saw him doing anything whimsical like putting on a Big Bird costume and frantically drawing all over a chalkboard to prove that Snuffleupagus was an agent for the Muslim Brotherhood.


But, over at Glenn Beck's network, The Blaze, there is a new shining star to pin all our hopes and dreams to. And that shining star is Tomi Lahren!

When last we met Tomi, she was yelling about how mad she was at Jesse Williams for giving a really good speech about how Black Lives Matter at the BET awards, which she, as a blonde white lady, felt ought not be allowed there, at the BET awards. Instead, she would have appreciated a nice, personal "thank you" for having freed the slaves.

This time -- surprise! -- she is mad again at another black man for being mad about how things are maybe not so great for black people. This is kind of a pattern with her!

Earlier this week, Lahren unleashed her fury upon Colin Kaepernick for having sat down during the national anthem, thereby disrespecting all the veterans who died so that Americans like Tomi Lahren would never have to see anyone refuse to stand during the national anthem in protest of anything -- and demanded that he leave the country!

Oh! Wait. She does say that people fought and died to protect his freedom to protest like that, so he should graciously never exercise that freedom. Out of appreciation for what they did. You know, because if we had not fought the Vietnam war or the Iraq War or any of the recent wars, we probably would not even have the First Amendment anymore.

I feel the need to point out here that Lahren is a major, major critic of all those SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS and liberals on college campuses and their desire for safe spaces and trigger warnings. She does not like those things at all. You know, because she loves free speech so much, and thinks it is just absurd for that right to ever be restricted just because it might hurt someone's feelings. Unless those feelings are Tomi Lahren's feelings. It makes all the sense when you think about it.

You see, a rape victim who would appreciate a warning in advance of an explicit rape scene in a book is a terrible evil baby who is weak and bad and ruining freedom of speech in this country! But a blonde white Republican lady who doesn't want to hear anything about racism existing, or to be exposed to things she considers unpatriotic, or to see anyone doing a protest she doesn't agree with, and demands people actually leave the country if they're going to upset her by complaining about racism here? Obviously a first amendment hero!

Not satisfied with her previous "takedown" -- as it did not have the desired effect of persuading Colin Kaepernick to leave the country -- Lahren has since doubled down. In a video released on Tuesday, she somewhat patiently explained that he should not be protesting racism, which doesn't exist, but instead protesting about how bad black people are. Particularly black men like his biological father, who did not raise him. But not nice white people like his biological mother, who also did not raise him.

“What is the significant change he’s hoping to see, I wonder? Maybe it’s a decrease in black-on-black crime. Maybe it’s more two-parent households where black fathers — like his — choose to stick around and raise their children. He should be talking about all of those things, but instead he chooses to parade around in a Fidel Castro shirt and anti-police socks like a damn fool.”

Then, she informed Kaepernick that he shouldn't be accepting American dollars if he hates America so much, and offered to purchase one-way tickets to somewhere else for anyone who thinks there is racism in America and it is a problem. After that, she reminded him that standing for the national anthem, which is a song about bombs -- and, according to some historians, killing slaves -- is about unity, and how we are so much more alike than we are different. Unless you are a person who thinks racism exists, in which case you should leave the country STAT.

Now, this whole leaving the country thing seems like a pain in the ass. There are a lot more people out there than just Colin Kaepernick who think racism is a problem in this country, and probably even more out there who disagree with other things Tomi Lahren thinks, if you can believe that! So I have a solution. Perhaps we can create designated safe spaces for Lahren and her ilk, where they can be safely protected from black people who have complaints about anything other than what black people are doing wrong. Or, perhaps, we could issue trigger warnings prior to public protests so that Lahren isn't accidentally exposed to anything that would conflict with her deeply held belief that racism is no longer a problem in this country. Clearly this is a thing that upsets her deeply, and we must do all we can to make sure that her feelings are never hurt in this way again!

[Tomi Lahren]

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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