Tonight: A Very Special GOP Tribute To Jerry Falwell
Oh, tonight's Republican debate in South Carolina should be really good, as the 10 douchebags fall over each other trying to give the most praise to racist bag-of-shit Jerry Falwell, whose Jabba-like corpse is still warm yet comically unresponsive.
After the jump, join us for some speculative praise for Big Fat Dead Jerry from the candidates.
South Carolina is sort of the "sister state" to Virginia when it comes to racist fundamentalist theocrats, so we can expect some extra-heavy pandering to the god squad this evening.
About the only drinking game you really need for tonight is this: Drink heavily whenever any candidate says something similar to our projected slobbering on Falwell's corpse, and drink heavily whenever they don't.
Mitt Romney: As a faithful believer in the exact same Jesus that Jerry Falwell so faithfully served as a fellow Christian who believed in the same Jesus all Christians so faithfully believe in, I just want you to know I'm not actually a Scientologist Polygamist Space Monster Frenchman, and Reverend Falwell was, like me, a firm believer in Jesus and the ghost of Jesus, Amen fellow Christians. Y'all.
WALNUTS! McCain: Reverend Falwell was my best friend and we both loved Jesus so much. We prayed together every day about the countries I would bomb when I'm president, and how we would bomb everything, and Jesus would guide our missiles. I will bomb everything. I will blow up the world.
Rudy Giuliani: I, I just want to say, that, that on 9/11, when I was leading America, with ... with the help of Judith, I mean Jesus, I mean Jerry, Jerry Falwell ... we had our, our differences, but in the end ... uh, he died. Uh, 9/11 ... abortion's very good, I mean bad. Jesus ....
Sam Brownback: I am over here, running for president, president of the culture of life. Jerry Falwell was the main proponent of our American culture of life -- until he tragically died today, and put me in charge of the culture of life, as your new president, because he died and can't do it anymore.
Mike Huckabee: I, too, am over here, and running for president. Unlike Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani and John McCain, I am the only one who truly is stopping the abortions, because my best friend Jerry Falwell wanted you to vote for me.
Tom Tancredo: Like my great friend Jerry Falwell, I have long spoken out on the threat of Mexicans. My fellow Republicans, MEXICANS KILLED YOUR GOD. MEXICANS KILLED JERRY FALWELL.
Tommy Thompson: I am in the bathroom, and my hearing aid doesn't work. I didn't mean to say Jerry Falwell is a tub of shit -- I didn't hear your question.
Ron Paul: The Constitution doesn't allow for Jerry Falwell to die.
Debate Spotlight Is Giuliani's -- to Use or Lose [Washington Post]