TOTAL VINDICATION! TINY HANDS! REVEEEEEENGE! Liveblogging Trump's Grown-Up Impeachment Victory Speech!


President Normal Brain is going to give a victory speech celebrating his total victory over impeachment, after a bipartisan group of senators voted to remove him from office, but not enough to actually remove him from office. (Want to deal with the GOP senators who gave up American democracy in service of his holiness Dear Leader? GET THEM OUT OF OFFICE.)

Yes, Trump will grab an unwilling American populace by the pussy here in a few minutes so he can crow about how awesome he is, and also probably begin to exact his revenge. White House comms idiot Stephanie Grisham went on Fox to preview the speech:

In other words, REVEEEEEEEENGE! Grisham said he would also say some "humility" words, because of how he and his family have just been through SO MUCH, tiny violin for the tiniest hands, AWWWWWWWWWW.

Let's watch this garbage together so we can laugh at the president and think about kicking his ass in November.

12:04: President Totally Exonerated is totally late, big surprise. He's probably doing whatever he has to do to stay high-energy for speeches so early in the day, not that we know what he does to stay high-energy for speeches so early in the day, or whether or not it involves sniffing.

12:07: All the worst people you'd never leave your children alone with or allow to walk your dog are in attendance, by the way. Bill Barr, who looks like he was part of the cover-up and maybe the Ukraine scandal itself, Steven Mnuchin, all Trump's favorites.

12:18: Still late. You know, when he says he's "acquitted forever," that doesn't seem to take into account how once he's not president anymore, he may well get indicted.

Oh, things are happening! Standing ovation for the abject moron legal team that lied to the Senate for Trump!

Oh how fucking ridiculous, they played the patriotic music for Trump to waddle down the hall, and now he is here, this is going to be batshit.

12:22: First whine: "UNFAIR SITUATION!" Second whine: "WITCH HUNT!" started the very day he came down the elevator with Melon, everybody do a big hand for Melon, except for Trump, who cannot biologically do "big hand."

12:23: Evil! Corrupt! Dirty liars! Leakers! Should never happen to other presidents, especially criminal ones like Trump!

If Trump hadn't fired the dirty cop James Comey, he might not even be standing here right now! If they did witch hunt to Obama, everybody would be in jail right now!

Now Trump is going to thank his friends for doing cover-ups for him.

12:25: Trump says the stock market is going up "because they liked the State of the Union speech." And now he will thank his friends for doing cover-ups for him. Unless he veers off track again.

Trump says this is actually not a news conference, and it is not a speech, it is just a celebration that witch hunt is over.

Trump says he has done bad things in his life, not intentionally, but definitely not this time and oh shit, y'all, he's got the newspaper again:

He still hasn't thanked his friends for doing cover-ups.

He says "Russia Russia Russia" (if you're listening) and that all the Mueller stuff was "bullshit." We'll be waiting for that batshit One Million Moms lady to file her complaint for the president saying "bullshit" on TV just now.


12:30: Trump says his election was "one of the greatest wins of all time," in case you hadn't ever heard him say that before one million times.


Trump finally remembered to thank somebody, and it is is moron lawyers.


Trump now claiming that Senator Tim Scott called him and told him it was a perfect call, and then thanking Moscow Mitch for the real banger of a Moscow show trial he just put on.

12:35: Trump whines that is unfair that Democrats are allowed to run for president against him and also be senators who are part of his impeachment trial.

Hey remember how Trump did his treason call with Ukraine the day after he was supposedly totally exonerated by Robert Mueller's testimony? Wonder who he's called today.

12:37: Trump says Chuck Grassley has a very scary voice and that Chuck Grassley's very scary voice made James Comey literally choke because Chuck Grassley's very scary voice scared James Comey so!

12:39: For real, Trump is thanking GOP senators like he is thanking the Academy for voting for one of his crapass reality shows, which is ... basically what is happening.

12:40: Trump says Mitt Romney was just using his religion as a crutch, unlike when people do the right thing and replace their deities with the orange shithole in front of us and just decide to worship that thing instead.

12:43: Trump says they "won" in the House "197 to nothing." We guess he's talking about his impeachment on abuse of power, which was 230-197, because in his head the only legitimate members of Congress are Republicans.

12:45: "It was a very good phone call! I know bad phone calls!" Mike Pompeo was on it! Hi, Mike Pompeo! Maybe he should have told Congress about the perfect call!

And now Trump is talking about Hunter Biden, because obviously. Then says his kids "could make a fortune" IF they did corrupt things like the Bidens do. Yep.

12:48: And now he is rambling about why Germany and the UK and France aren't paying more for Ukraine stuff, even though they actually give Ukraine a shitload of money.

Anyway, PERFECT CALL! and TOTAL ACQUITTAL! and THANK YOU KEVIN MCCARTHY! (Who once memorably said that he believes Putin pays Donald Trump.)

Trump also says McCarthy is going to be speaker of the House, LOL OK.

12:51: Trump says he's going to probably get impeached again for going against a stoplight. Does not specify whether it'll be on 5th Avenue or whether he will have gone "against a light" just after shooting somebody and not losing a single follower.

Now Trump is thanking individual congressmen.

12:53: Trump is claiming that New Mexico is totally in play for Republicans now. This is insane, but always remember Trump is big on winning elections illegitimately, like in 2016.

12:55: Ew, Trump says Matt Gaetz has a "great gene," and he knows it, because Trump knew Gaetz's daddy. INNNNNARESTING.

12:56: Trump says Jim Jordan must be very proud of his body because he doesn't ever wear a jacket. Wonder if Trump met Jim Jordan and thought, "man, I bet this is a guy I could really get away with some sex crime around," WE JUST WONDER.

12:58: Trump says he endorsed GOP Rep. Debbie Lesko because he liked her last name LESKO.

Clearly it wasn't her brain.

This is some rambling, even for Trump.

1:04: And this was the part where Donald Trump got the crowd of deplorables to give Devin Nunes a standing ovation for fighting corruption.

Yes, the same Devin Nunes who is currently suing an imaginary cow and appears to have been a big part of Trump's Ukraine scheme.

Then Trump called John Ratcliffe his own personal Perry Mason.

Yes this John Ratcliffe:

And then he said he knew Steve Scalise's wife really loved him because when he went to visit Scalise in the hospital after he got shot, she was actually upset about it, unlike other wives, who are never that upset when their husbands get shot.

Also Trump says Scalise is much hottter than he used to be, before he got shot.

1:11: This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. He's giving a victory speech like he just won re-election, except for what he's doing is thanking elected Republicans for helping him do cover-ups.

1:13: Oh thank God, he is finally done introducing and thanking his co-conspirators, we mean "warriors," that's what he called them, "warriors."

1:15: Hooray, he's back to Twitter ranting, talking about "Lisa and Peter, the lovers!" and Andrew McCabe and INSURANCE POLICY! and whatever else Sean Hannity has been turkey-basting his ass cavern with the past several years.

1:17: And now whining about Hillary's deleted emails and Peter and Lisa's deleted emails and RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING, probably, why wouldn't he do that? He got away with it last time.

1:18: Oh thank Christ, he says he is going to "leave now," so he will probably stop rambling within the hour.

1:19: And now he's letting rubes like Mark Meadows stand up and say things, because that is what you do at "celebration."

1:22: Donald Trump says sorry to his family, his whole family, because they had to go through such a stinky rotten deal, and he said hi to Barron, and then he hugged and kissed Ivanka, and then he hugged and kissed Melania, aren't they a pretty couple? We mean Trump and Melania, not Trump and Ivanka!

And now they are gone, thank God, THE END.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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