Track Palin Got Drunk And Beated Up A Lady With His Gun, Allegedly

Where's Track? IN JAIL MAYBE?

[contextly_sidebar id="jlecVQBXt6VVrE3Tn1TZxIFTLowKk6zF"]What a busy day for the Palin family! Sarah's in Iowa making drunk faces about Makin' America Great Again for Donald Trump, Bristol's sitting at home COVERED in out-of-wedlock baby poo and "writing" internet letters about what a dick Ted Cruz is and OH LOL GUESS WHAT, Track Palin had to go to court, because he was arrested Monday night for beating up a lady, interfering with a domestic violence report, and also too brandishing a weapon while intoxicated.

Put in more Regular American talk, Track Palin was arrested for being a common drunk-brawlin' Palin. Allegedly.

Whoa if true, though, and we hope she's OK. Here's your press release from the Wasilla po-po's office:

On 01/18/2016 at approximately 2204 hours, Wasilla Police responded to a residence for a disturbance. An investigation revealed Track Palin had committed a domestic violence assault on a female, interfered with her ability to report a crime of domestic violence, and possessed a firearm while intoxicated. Palin was arrested and charges of assault in the fourth degree (domestic violence), interfering with a domestic violence report, and misconduct involving weapons in the fourth degree were forwarded to the District Attorney’s Office. Palin was held without bail until arraignment.

UH-OH! We are so shocked by this behavior, young man.

[contextly_sidebar id="WRtRCABZWGaXtuOqb7XofrtqUCqNCUbh"]Now, you might recall Track and the former Mrs. Track filed for divorce 18 months after their shotgun wedding in 2011, so this probably isn't even his baby mama he beated up. ALLEGEDLY.

It was probably one of the other ladies from Alaska who hasn't had a chance to get beated up by the Palins yet, perhaps some lady who is knocked up by him outside of trailer park wedlock, because that's how the Palins roll. ALLEGEDLY. Palin FACT.

[contextly_sidebar id="sodKu1ws0gXZK8FXRcdaDVGOZg9wy4VP"]Because Christ on a lilywhite cracker, those Palins like to fight. Remember the infamous Palin Brawl of 2014, when all of the family went to a nice social function and ended up beating everybody in the face because drunk? Here, let shithoused Track 'splain it to you all over again, like he did all those moons ago:

“Alright this is my old man,” Track said. “It’s his birthday, okay. So we’re at this party in Wasilla. Dude, surprise him with a new truck, new trailer, new wrap on the trailer. Everything was fucking kosher.”

As he described what happened, Todd Palin interjected periodically. Both Track and Todd agreed that the fighting started when “a father-son team” punched their friend, “Steve.”

“He’s like a little pussy you know what I’m saying?” Track said, referring to Steve. “Like he’s not gonna fight nobody. … Most innocent, basically a gay guy, but he’s not.”

LIKE BASICALLY GAY but not in the dick-sucky way, just in the lover not a fighter way. He also had trouble spelling his name for the nice officers:

But when it came to spelling his last name, Track became a little more dodgy.

“Papa, Alfa, Lima, India, Mike, Oscar,” Track Palin said, spelling P-A-L-I-M-O. “You know what that means? Like I mean –”

“Palimo?” the officer asked.

“What?” Track said. “No. See he didn’t know what –”

That’s when his father interrupted.

“This is not a time to be joking,” Todd Palin said. “It’s Palin.”

“I’m not trying to be a dick, man,” Track said later. “I’m sorry. I just seen a lotta’ shows on cops.”

Spoken like a true Palin.

[contextly_sidebar id="HqmYHESZnhErOYdiSzHmTA7Wpg6xsMDR"]WHATEVER happened last night, Track P-A-L-I-M-O AKA Track Palin AKA The First Thing Sarah Ever Shooted Out Her Vagina probably needs to spend a little less time doing whatever the hell it is he does (we don't know, he's one of the lesser Palins, maybe he has a real job? nah) and a little more time reading his mama's Bible.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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