Trinidad And Tobago Makes Important Announcement On Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Balls

Science

This is the minister of health of Trinidad and Tobago. He had to talk about this today.

Sorry, but this is really the only political story happening in America β€” the case of Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls what are actually in the nation of Trinidad and Tobago, and whether they became super-sized by the COVID vaccine β€” and there's an important update.

Last night, Tucker Carlson offered, like the important journalist he is, to travel in an aeroplane over the sea to Port of Spain, Trinidad and Tobago, to stick a microphone down Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's pants to see if that cousin's friend's balls were very big because of the COVID vaccine. "Hello there, Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls!" Tucker would say enthusiastically, like he was greeting the Hungarian prime minister.

As of that publishing, we did not know whether Tucker would end up making that journey. And we still don't.

But the internet is telling us that the minister of health for Trinidad and Tobago, whose name is Terrence Deyalsingh, felt compelled to address the size of Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls in his COVID update, because of how misinformation is such bullshit. He said they "wasted so much time yesterday running down this false claim," and concluded that there is no known side effect to the COVID vaccine that includes your balls or Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls getting OMG BIG. (It can be a side effect of chlamydia and gonorrhea, though, by the way.)

Clearly annoyed that he was even having to spend more time on this, Deyalsingh said, "There is absolutely no reported such side effect or adverse event of testicular swelling in Trinidad or [...] anywhere else in the world."


You hear that, Tucker? No need to sail the high seas to investigate engorged balls in faraway lands.

From what we can tell, this is all real and true and not some amazing parody. Terrence Deyalsingh is definitely the minister of health for Trinidad and Tobago. And WHATEVER caused Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls to have all the problems, it wasn't the COVID vaccine.

Of course, Tucker will probably tell us tonight that Deyalsingh is part of the Deep State (of Trinidad and Tobago) and demand to know what Dr. Fauci knew and when he knew it about Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls.

And then maybe Tucker can have Glenn Greenwald on and they can talk about how maybe Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls might just need a spoonful of horse dewormer to return to their usual size. (Glenn is mad about the cancel culturing of horse dewormer.)

What? Sounds about as reasonable as whatever else they talk about together.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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