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Let's be clear about one thing at the outset: It could happen again. Democrats -- all liberals, really -- have an alarming capacity for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and there are any number of ways we could fuck up 2020. We have to be vigilant to make sure that doesn't happen.

But reading Gabriel Sherman's deep dive into Donald Trump's 2020 re-election strategy, we feel like maybe Trump is full of shit. No, really, hear us out! Sherman paints a picture of warring factions -- the White House, the Trump family, and a group of scaly-dicked motherfuckers on the outside, led by Steve Bannon and populated by such unfuckable trolls as Jason Miller, Corey Lewandowski, Sebastian Gorka, Sam Nunberg, Matthew Boyle, and David Bossie -- and reports that it's that last group that's winning out when it comes to strategy. Because a majority of Americans really get a thrill up their legs when they see those guys on TV!

Bannon, you will remember, has become a politically toxic joke who can't even get Alabama Republicans to vote for an alleged pedophile as a solid bloc. What kind of moron GOP strategist can't get Alabama Republicans to vote for an alleged pedophile?


Here are some gems of wisdom from Bannon, speaking about the 2018 midterms and the 2020 presidential campaign:

ON NANCY PELOSI: "She's the Hillary," Bannon said. "She's got some of the same tendencies!"

ON WHETHER THEY SHOULD EVER WANT SUBURBAN WOMEN TO VOTE FOR THEM AGAIN: "The Republican college-educated woman is done," he said. "They're gone. They were going anyway at some point in time. Trump triggers them. This is now the Trump movement."

ON POSSIBLE 2020 DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES: "All of those Democrats need 2019 like a guy in the desert needs water. We're going to take that away from them," he said. "We're going to call them out. Kirsten Gillibrand, show us what you got. Elizabeth Warren? Kamala Harris? Howard Schultz? He's going to cut through these guys like a scythe through grass. He's going to mock and ridicule them. He's going to crush them. He's going to fieldstrip these guys. They need 2019 to get ready. We won't give it to them."

Yeeeeeeeeeah, OK. We get that Trump calls Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" because he's a racist, but she's not going to be the nom anyway (fight us!). [Rebecca here to tut-tut about blanket predictions in the wake of all our stories about "Trump will never win, FACT." Tut-tut.] Howard Schultz isn't going to be the nominee either (um ... fight us if that's a thing you wish to fight about for some reason?). And we're 100 percent certain he'll have a racist name for Kamala Harris, but we really don't see it wounding her the way Bannon thinks.

Perhaps Bannon doesn't recall that Donald Trump lost the popular vote by literal millions to a Democratic candidate with more baggage than the baggage claim at the airport when they just put a lot of baggage in it. Like, we know Russia is going to help in 2018 and 2020 -- naturally -- but Trump is the most reviled president in American history and his "win" was the weakest-ass thing in living history. To make that happen again with the same people and the same plan? Seems to us like maybe they might want to think about expanding their tent? Bannon says their target coalition is a "deplorable-plus electorate." Is that anything compared to a FIRED UP READY TO GO PISSED OFF ELECTORATE LED BY WOMEN AND MINORITIES? Guess we'll see!

Again, we know the Dems can figure out a way to fuck this up.

And again, we know Russia is going to help, but COME ON.

But maybe the Bannon side won't win out! Maybe ...

Not everyone is on board with this program. With eyes on 2020, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are pushing Trump to adopt more moderate positions. [...]

The 2020 campaign is about the rehabilitation of Jared and Ivanka," the source said.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, OK, let's skip the "Jared and Ivanka are going to Do Things" section of the article.

Of course, all three of the warring factions are aware of a distinct possibility, something that could thwart ALL THEIR PLANS FOREVER:

What if Trump doesn't run for re-election, either because he's impeached, decides he's had enough, or is so damaged by what Mueller unearths as to be rendered unelectable? Much of the Republican establishment, and even many Trump allies, have been contemplating a Plan B for months. "He could just decide, 'I've made America great again. I've kept all my promises. Now I'm gonna play golf,'" said Roger Stone.

Bye, shithead!

BUT WAIT! WHO WOULD BE THE GOP NOMINEE THEN? WOULD IT BE MIKE PENCE OR NIKKI HALEY? No! It would be someone else entirely!

"If Trump doesn't run for re-election in 2020—which he will—then either Mark Cuban or `The Rock' will be the G.O.P. nominee, and either one will win," Nunberg said.

Well if Sam Nunberg says it, it must be true.

Of course, in that scenario, Dems would probably fuck it up and nominate an Oprah/Michael Avenatti ticket and we would be forced to move to Mexico because America would officially have reached Peak Stupid.

The point of this blog post is ... um, well, we read that whole Vanity Fair thing and it was OK we guess, might as well write some words about it, THE END.

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[Vanity Fair]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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