Trump Administration Does Literal Least It Can Do To Punish Russia For Spy Poisoning Attack
AND NO SNUGGLES AFTERWARD TONIGHT
Big breaking news about the presidential administration that is Tough On Russia, because the president is so "NO COLLUSION" you're gonna get sick of "NO COLLUSION"! The Trump administration has announced, in concert with a buncha European Union countries (AKA our allies) that it will expel dozens of Russian "diplomats" (spies) from the United States and close the Russian consulate in Seattle, in retaliation for how Russia has a bad habit lately for over a decade of murdering and trying to murder people on British soil. As we said a couple weeks back, when the Trump administration started implementing a couple teeny tiny sanctions against Russia, and signed a strongly worded statement affirming that Russia is being SUCH A NAUGHTY right now, don't get too excited, because they are doing the very least they can do.
Twelve Russian diplomats at the United Nations in New York and 48 at the Russian Embassy in Washington face expulsion by the U.S. government for what senior administration officials described as covert intelligence operations that undermine U.S. national security.
The U.S. government also ordered the Russian Consulate in Seattle closed by April 2. Senior administration officials said they believe it has served as a key outpost in Russia’s intelligence operations, in part because of its proximity to a U.S. submarine base as well as Boeing manufacturing facilities.
Cool story, bro. And next time Trump and Putin see each other, Trump is only going to kiss Putin on ONLY ONE BUTTCHEEK, because this is SRS BUSINESS.
As the Washington Post reports, we are doing this jointly with Germany, France, Italy, the Netherlands, Denmark, the Czech Republic, Finland, Romania, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Ukraine and Canada. The move was announced by press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who has the notable characteristic of Not Being Donald Trump, so we guess she's allowed to speak a little more freely. We asssume Trump will call Putin sometime this week to say sorry, and that we will learn about it from Russian state media. Not sure whether Trump will feel the need to congratulate Putin on his recent "election win" again, but yeah sure why not.
Russia will, of course, expel diplomats too, because that's how these things work. As WaPo somewhat cattily notes, the only time Russia hasn't retaliated is when President Obama, a month after the 2016 election, expelled diplomats, levied sanctions and shuttered Russian spy dachas in the United States, in retaliation for election meddling. There was no need, as incoming National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was there to sweet talk the Russians about how everything was going to be OK after
Putin's Trump's inauguration.
To check in on how badly this action is hurting Russia, let's go to the Russian embassy's Twitter account:
Wow. Russia giving people a clean vote. Bet that feels weird.
Please call us if the Trump administration decides to do some real sanctions on Vladimir Putin or his band of fat cat oligarchs, or otherwise hit Russia in any way that really hurts. Until then, we will be ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
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