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Donald Trump knows what is happening in the Democratic primary, because he is the good kind of pundit, like Chris Cillizza. And he is pretty sure (???) he wants to run against Bernie Sanders in the general, because "socialist," and because somehow he has gotten the message (from Russia) that the very best thing for him would be for Democratic primary voters to have a bruising contest and hate each other, therefore he wants to foster conspiracy theories that the establishment is committing a #rigging against Bernie Sanders and stealing the nomination from him. Trump and Russia think average Sanders voters are very stupid, we guess.

So he's been huffing paint on that train of thought for a while now. Though we wonder if his trolling is too subtle, and people just might not get it:

"Coup." Donald Trump knows at least 100 words, total. He knows what at least 25 of them actually mean. (And he knows which one is "camel," by god.)

At a rally in Charlotte, North Carolina, last evening, Trump offered his analysis of what really happened in the primary yesterday, as Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar dropped out and then endorsed Joe Biden. We must stress, as usual, that these are the actual president's actual words:


TRUMP: Crazy Bernie's going to go crazy. Crazy. I think Crazy Bernie's going to go more crazy when he sees what they're doing. I called it a long time ago.

He called it. Crazy Bernie is going to go crazy.

TRUMP: Mayor Pete ... BOOT EDGE EDGE! BOOT EDGE EDGE! Mayor Pete, he quit out last night and then I hear a senator from a state we're going to win, we're gonna win that state, but she dropped out. Sounds like they made a deal. You know? They both supported ... sleepy Joe! You know why? They made a deal!

Did they?

TRUMP: You know why? QUID PRO QUO, that's why!

The crowd hoots and hollers, like trained monkeys showing off what they've learned (and that they can identify camel!) and cheering each other on for saying the magic word. Trump is clearly proud of himself, because the magic word is "quid pro quo," and he totally knows what it means.

TRUMP: OK! Quid pro quo. Quid pro quo! They made a deal! IMPEACH THEM! They should be impeached! They should be impeached! Quid pro quo!

OK. Senators cannot be impeached, and Pete is no longer the mayor of oh fuck it, why are we even typing words here? Why are we pretending Donald Trump is on our grade level and worth explaining things to? Like we said, he knows several words, like a common housecat, he doesn't really know what they mean, but he just says them over and over and over again, oh, and did we mention he is STILL MAD?

Because he committed an attempted election-stealing crime extorting the president of Ukraine, which involved a quid pro quo (but he didn't say "quid pro quo!"), and for that he was impeached (forever!). But he thinks "quid pro quo" just means "deal," and that now Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg should be "impeached," just like he was, because that's only fair, because did they not also do "deal"?

That makes sense, yes?

OBAMA NETFLIX?

At times like these, we are all tempted to play armchair psychologist and try to order an armchair psych hold on the president until we can be sure he is safe, but Trump's dumbest sons are also saying the same thing, just with marginally better words.

Yes, moron, we get the message you are trying to put out there. It is a very crafty and clever and sneaky message.

So sneaky.

Almost too sneaky.

Sneaky Pete.

We worry that if people aren't paying close attention, they'll never figure out what Trump and his bestest smartest big boys are up to.

Elsewhere in Trump's very good rally, he said the Democrats are trying to "muzzle our faith," because of how Trump is so tight with Jesus.

Also he said "nobody knew" lots of people die of the common flu. As usual, when he says "nobody knew," that means he just found out for the first time a thing literally everyone else in the entire world knows.

To sum up: Donald Trump just found out people die of the flu, and also he has uncovered a conspiracy where Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg did a COLLUSION QUID PRO QUO with Joe Biden, and all of this is very normal behavior for the president of the United States, the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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