Donald Trump GIF

They're not subtle.

Trump and his goons telegraph a punch like the town drunk — you're never not going to see it coming. So of course they leaked to Axios's Jonathan Swan their not-so-super-secret plan to declare victory the second the vote tally shows Trump ahead, no matter how many tens of millions of votes remain to be counted. They're planning to freeze the count in the "red mirage" stage, before the absentee ballots, which will heavily favor Joe Biden, can be counted. (This is assuming the "red mirage" some have foretold actually materializes. We'll see.)

The New York Times confirms that "Trump advisers said their best hope was if the president wins Ohio and Florida is too close to call early in the night, depriving Mr. Biden a swift victory and giving Mr. Trump the room to undermine the validity of uncounted mail-in ballots in the days after." Like we said, subtle.


But in case anyone missed it, Death Star Campaign General Jason Miller headed over to ABC to blab to George Stephanopoulos that they intend to declare victory five minutes after the polls close and immediately argue in court that the 100 million votes cast before election day must never be tabulated.

MILLER: We feel good about it. And the one final thing, George, if you speak with many smart Democrats, they believe President Trump will be ahead on election night, probably getting 280 electorals (sic), somewhere in that range. And then they're going to try to steal it back after the election.

We believe that we'll be over 290 electoral votes on election night. So no matter what they try to do, what kind of hijinks or lawsuits or whatever kind of nonsense they try to pull off, we're still going to have enough electoral votes to get President Trump re-elected.

Which isn't the dumbest strategy in the world. Obviously, it's bullshit. No one gets any "electorals" on Tuesday night, not even in in a normal year (whatever that creature is, although we suspect it's extinct now) when the AP is able to project the winner of most states within five hours of the polls closing.

But getting out in front and presumptively declaring himself the winner based on an incomplete count isn't a crazy way to spin it if we wind up in a protracted, close contest. Particularly when Trump will likely lead by a wide margin in election day votes in swing states like Pennsylvania, where Democrats make up 66 percent of the early vote according to professor Michael McDonald's U.S. Elections Project.

What's crazy is Jason Miller opening his fat gob and telling the world about it. The only thing crazier would be for the president himself to get up in front of a microphone and shout I INTEND TO STEAL THIS ELECTION BY THROWING OUT ALL THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN PENNSYLVANIA.

Wait for it ...

TRUMP: I think it's [a] terrible thing when ballots can be collected after the election. I think it's a terrible thing when states are allowed to tabulate ballots for a long period of time after the election is over. Because it can only lead to one thing, and that's very bad. You know what that thing is. I think it's a very dangerous terrible thing. And I think it's terrible when we can't know the results of an election the night of the election in a modern day age of computers.

Then Commander Whinypants complained hard about a Supreme Court decision. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he actually knows what the hell he's talking about and assume he means last week's decisions to allow Pennsylvania and North Carolina to tabulate some late-arriving votes postmarked November 3 or earlier, albeit leaving those ballots segregated so they can be subtracted from the total if Trump's pals on the Supreme Court decide to swoop in and save him in the event of a razor-thin electoral margin.

But please, tell us more about your plan to try to get Justice Kegstand to stop the count in Democratic states and declare you the victor.

TRUMP: We're going to go in the night of, as soon as that election's over, we're going in with our lawyers. Because we don't want to have Pennsylvania, where you have a political governor, a very partisan guy, and we don't want to have other states like Nevada, where you have the head of the Democratic clubhouse as your governor, we don't want to be in a position where he's allowed to, every day, to watch ballots come in. "Gee if we can only find 10,000 more ballots!"

The Democratic clubhouse!

Meanwhile, Trump's "victory" party has been moved to the White House — the better to stick American taxpayers with the bill. And NBC was first to report that Trump's minions are erecting a "non-scalable" fence, the way they did during the height of the George Floyd protests, to protect His Excellency from being confronted by the disapproval of his subjects.

yOu wOn'T Be sAfE iN JoE bIdEn'S aMeRIcA!!!!!1!!

They're so evil. And also so, so incompetent. Thank God for small favors.

[Axios / ABC / NYT]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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