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RAWR.


Michael Cohen is the thug lawyer of Donald Trump whose sexually irresistible face hole (pictured above) likes to say "SAYS WHO?" a lot. He threatens reporters and had to be reminded that if Megyn Kelly got killed dead by Trump supporters, that would be a bad thing. He also has weird connections with Russians and pro-Russian Ukrainians, having worked with a Trump associate named Felix Sater and a pro-Russia member of the Ukrainian parliament named Andrii Artemenko to create a "peace plan" for Russia and Ukraine that somehow magically would end with sanctions on Russia being lifted. He either hand-delivered that "peace plan" to disgraced foreign agent/former national security adviser Michael Flynn at the White House, or maybe he sent it to him in Gchat, or it's entirely possible he's never heard of such a thing and also SAYS WHO? Not Michael Cohen, because he does not recall any of this.

Cohen only has a tiny few connections to mobsters. Oh, and he's an owner of an ethanol company in Ukraine, for some reason that is definitely probably not money laundering, because Michael Cohen The Good Trustworthy Lawyer has never been involved in any situations where he was given money by Person A that was supposed to go to Person B, but somehow magically disappeared somewhere along the way, oh wait yes he has.

Anyway, this is just very normal stuff, and the Senate and House intelligence committees would like to ask him some questions, please and thank you:

One of President Donald Trump’s closest confidants, his personal lawyer Michael Cohen, has now become a focus of the expanding congressional investigation into Russian efforts to influence the 2016 campaign.

Cohen confirmed to ABC News that House and Senate investigators have asked him “to provide information and testimony” about any contacts he had with people connected to the Russian government ...

BUT!

“I declined the invitation to participate, as the request was poorly phrased, overly broad and not capable of being answered,” Cohen told ABC News in an email Tuesday.

Oh fuck off. He "declined to participate," as if the Senate Intelligence Committee invited him to be on their kickball team because they had an open spot, but he "declined to participate," because maybe he is bad at doing stuff with his feet. FACTCHECK: These are ACTUAL INVESTIGATIONS into ESPIONAGE and COLLUSION between a HOSTILE POWER and DONALD TRUMP and DONALD TRUMP'S ASSOCIATES. Pfffffft, he "declined to participate."

Remember what we said recently about how hell hath no fury like a congressional committee scorned, after Michael Flynn started ignoring subpoenas? About that:

After Cohen rejected the congressional requests for cooperation, the Senate Select Intelligence Committee voted unanimously on Thursday to grant the chairman, Sen. Richard Burr of North Carolina, and ranking Democrat, Sen. Mark Warner of Virginia, blanket authority to issue subpoenas as they deem necessary.

And if Cohen ignores those subpoenas like Flynn did, you can bet the committees are going to start going apeshit, because we bet they're interested in Cohen's weird peace plan AND whether he did any money laundering for Trump or the Russians, and whatever other fun stuff they may or may not have evidence of.

They might even be curious about stuff that showed up in the pee hooker Steele Dossier about a trip Cohen PROBABLY DID NOT TAKE to Prague in August or September of last year, as a sort of middle man between the Trump campaign and the Russians. (ALLEGEDLY!) Cohen says the Prague trip is 100% false fake news, because he's never even been to Prague, and he went so far as to take a picture of his passport to PROVE FOREVER that he was never in Prague. Of course, he reportedly vacationed in Italy last July and wouldn't have gotten his passport stamped if he took a short hop, skip and jump to the Czech Republic real fast. It's important to remember, of course, that the Steele Dossier is raw intelligence, and that much of it has been corroborated, even if certain details don't check out. Maybe "Prague" is just the wrong Eastern European place. He could have gone to Hungary instead. Maybe the rendezvous happened in July, and not August or September. We just don't know! The point of raw intelligence is that IT IS RAW and has to be investigated and corroborated and monkeyed around with and re-confirmed and MANY OTHER SPY VERBS before it's considered fully reliable.

Here are a few more juicy nuggets from the Steele Dossier about Michael Cohen, some of which the House and Senate intel committees (not to mention special prosecutor Robert Mueller!) might be interested in sussing out the full truth about:

Like we said, there's no telling how much of that is true, if ANY of it is true. Back when the dossier came out, Cohen was like, "Somebody is doing a tease to you guys, telling you those silly stories about me!" Actually this was his real quote, that he gave to Mic.com:

“It’s so ridiculous on so many levels. Clearly the person who created this did so from their imagination or did so hoping the liberal media would run with this fake story for whatever rationale they might have.”

Cool. That's why it's awesome that there are so many investigations going on, so we can find out FOR SURE who is G-U-I-L-T-Y and who is not. And if it's proven that Michael Cohen is totally innocent, then Wonkette will be the first to say "SAYS WHO?" about it, every time somebody tries to malign his angelic name in our presence.

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[ABC]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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