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It was the last golden moments of the Trump Administration BM (Before Mueller). After Vanky smashed his phone Tuesday night, she gave him a couple of her "prescription vitamin tablets" to build up his strength. That's why they made her special assistant to the President -- she always knows how to make it better! She smoothed his hair and kissed his owies, then packed him off to give a commencement speech that the Coast Guard Academy will never forget!

The Coast Guard's motto is Semper Paratus, Always Ready. But is anyone really ready for Trump? How does one prepare to sweat through dress whites in the sun while being bombarded with 30 minutes of whining and derp from a draft-dodging egomaniac? Hats off to you, ensigns!

First he wowed them with 20 minutes of platitudes in his signature 15-year-old-who-never-read-the-book-and-is-trying-to-stretch-the-paper style. Listen closely, and you can hear the 16-pt font.

This is a large, large campus. A beautiful campus!...

You picked a beautiful one, a good one. And we're really proud to have you, I can tell you...

When you look back, you won't doubt. You'll know exactly how you spent your time!...

They're excited about life, and they love what they do. THEY LOVE LIFE.

DEEEEP!!!

And he brought a neat-o factoid to share with these men and women of the Coast Guard.

Coast guard cutters patrol more than 1500 miles below our Southern border. A lot of people didn't know that.

Yes, probably most people did not know that. But it's a safe bet that this was not news to the members of the 2017 class of the Coast Guard Academy. Weirdly, he forgot to mention his plan to cut $1.3 billion from the Coast Guard's budget.

But he definitely remembered to bring the whinging.

Over the course of your life, you will find that things are not always fair. You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve and are not always warranted.

Yes, it must have been so hard growing up as a millionaire! You are definitely one of the Real Americans. Tell us more!

But you have to put your head down and just FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Never ever ever give up. Things will work out just fine.

Wait...that almost sounds like a normal commencement speech.

Look at the way i've been treated lately. Especially by the media. No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly. You can't let them get you down. You can't let the critics and the naysayers get in the way of your dreams.

I guess that's why I won!

There's the Shitgibbon we love to hate!

At this point, all 195 graduates scooted back in their seats. PROBABLY. Just in case a righteous God awakened to smite The Orange One with lightning for leading an eight-year campaign to say that Barack Obama was an illegitimate Kenyan usurper, then complaining that the media won't let him obstruct justice in peace. Sadly, it seems, we're on our own.

The Dear Leader seamlessly transitioned from whining to inspirational bragging, his default setting.

Nothing worth doing ever ever ever came easy. And the more righteous your fight, the more opposition you will face. I've accomplished a tremendous amount in a very short time as president.

Then he lied about job growth and having "saved the second amendment."

Trump finished out the set with a medley of old standards. What kind of rally commencement speech would it be without NATO Needs to Pay Up and Radical Islamic Terrorism by the MOOZLIMS?!?

As you leave this academy to embark on your exciting new voyage, I am heading on a very crucial journey as well. In a few days, I will make my first trip abroad as president. With the safety, security and interests of the American people as my priority. I will strengthen old friendships and seek new partners. but partners who also help us, not partners who take, and take, and take. Partners who help. And partners who help pay for whatever we are doing and all of the good we're doing for them. which is something that a lot of people have not gotten used to. And they just can't get used to it. I say, get used to it folks.

Then he gave a preview of the speech on Islam that Stephen Miller (!!!) is writing for him to give in Saudi Arabia.

First, in Saudi Arabia, where I'll speak with Muslim leaders, and challenge them to fight hatred and extremism and embrace a peaceful future for their faith. And they're looking very much forward to hearing what we as your representative, we have to say. We have to stop radical Islamic terrorism.

Oh, yeah. This material is going to KILL in Riyadh!

For the grand finale, Homeland Security Chief John Kelly suggested that Donald Trump use the Coast Guard's ceremonial sword to slay the press. Because who hasn't thought about stabbing a reporter, amirite?

Little did they know that Rod Rosenstein lay in wait, ready to bring in the dark days of Anno Mueller. In a few hours, the stock market would drop, a special prosecutor would be named, and it would come out that he'd known about Flynn's awkward situation all along. But for one shining moment it was just Trump and Kelly, basking in the glow of the cadets and shitting on the press, and all was right with the world.

[ PBS / NYMag / CNN ]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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