Trump Campaign Tired Of Winning, Coughs Up Brad Parscale's Neckbeard

Last night Donald Trump made it official, removing Brad Parscale as his campaign manager after weeks of rumors that he'd fallen out of favor with the Trump family and was phoning it in—literally—from Florida. You won't have Ol' Chin Pubes to kick around anymore. Or, you will, but he'll just be Chief Digital Bro now, not campaign manager.

"I am pleased to announce that Bill Stepien has been promoted to the role of Trump Campaign Manager," Trump tweeted when the blue checks finally got out of Twitter jail last night. "Brad Parscale, who has been with me for a very long time and has led our tremendous digital and data strategies, will remain in that role, while being a Senior Advisor to the campaign."

Honestly, it's amazing that it took this long. Trump had cycled through multiple campaign managers by this time in 2016. But the night is still young, and the polls are still dire, so ... hang in there Corey Lewandowski!

Yesterday before the news broke, CNN reported that Parscale was on the outs with Trump himself.

"It's very clear that when Brad offers a position, Trump decides to be against it," one adviser told CNN, while a donor expressed the opinion that "I think a lot of folks would feel more comfortable with someone who's actually run a campaign before." And that's exactly who they're getting with Bill Stepien, who has been de facto in charge of the operation for weeks now.

Stepien is a longtime GOP operative, who came out of New Jersey politics and worked on the presidential campaigns of George W. Bush, John McCain, and Rudy Giuliani. He was ousted from Governor Chris Christie's administration in the Bridgegate scandal, but never left Republican politics. Stepien's roles with the Trump 2016 campaign and in the Trump White House have made him a trusted figure in the Dear Leader's orbit, and yesterday the president invited him to the Oval Office to offer him the job. Parscale got shivved by Kushner, because Trump is a cowardly little weenus who doesn't like to do things like that himself.

Unlike Parscale, Stepien isn't some hustler who emerged from obscurity five years ago by attaching himself to the Trump family and setting up a bunch of LLCs so he can buy another Ferrari, allegedly. He fundamentally understands how a normal campaign is supposed to function.

Which is not the same as saying he can turn this Trump turd into a diamond. We're only three and a half months out, Trump's poll numbers are circling the drain, and coronavirus has not disappeared "like magic." That dipshit can tweet, "I look forward to having a big and very important second win together. This one should be a lot easier as our poll numbers are rising fast, the economy is getting better, vaccines and therapeutics will soon be on the way, and Americans want safe streets and communities!" But 1,413 Americans succumbed to COVID and another 65,370 new infections were reported yesterday. No one knows what the hell is going to happen next month, but Israel bet on kids being weak vectors and opened schools before getting community spread under control, and they're about to go back into nationwide shutdown. The best campaign operative in the world can't change the reality that this country is in deep shit.

Among the Trump donor class, though, expectations for Stepien are high. GOP megadonor Doug Deason told the Wall Street Journal that he hopes the new campaign manager will be able to rein in Trump's batshit Twitter feed, perhaps with a "fact checking team."

"I love most of his tweets, but some have been pretty far out there lately, and others make pointless attacks," he told the Journal.

LOL, good luck with that one, buddy.

In summary and in conclusion, Trump is demented, Jared Kushner's boundless ego is the real campaign manager, and the economy is fucked. But now they've made a seasoned professional the titular captain of the Trump-tanic, and that iceberg doesn't stand a chance!


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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