Donald Trump made a personnel announcement today. Gayden Hoagley Caiden Cowger Gabardine Poopsybottoms Hogan Gidley — shut up, it is too a name — will be leaving his role as a press idiot in the White House to become a press idiot on the Trump campaign.

It's not quite the personnel announcement we're waiting for, the one where Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale finds out he will forevermore be trading in his fancy Ferraris and become one of the commonfolk who has to get his neckbeard edged at the Fantastic Sams, because of how he's fired. It does appear his position is precarious, after he "shit the bed" and promised Trump a packed victory rally in Tulsa, but instead delivered this thing that kind of looked like if you threw a birthday party for yourself but everybody who RSVP-ed was mean teens and K-pop fans on the internet.

How bad was that rally? Andrew Feinberg reports that a Trump campaign person said to him afterward that "Biden should have to report our costs to the [Federal Election Commission] as a campaign contribution." George Conway, Kellyanne Conway's better half, is calling it Trump's "Farewell Tour."

"Brad shit the bed" is the lede of the newest Gabe Sherman special, and oh boy, is it special.

"Brad really shit the bed Saturday night. You have to remember, execution is 95% of presidential politics," a Republican close to the White House told me over the weekend.

Ew, we bet it got all in his neckbeard.

According to some of Sherman's sources, Parscale is going to go ahead and quit-fire himself. We all know Trump has been losing his shit at Parscale over his bottom-feeder poll numbers for a while now, because Trump will never accept that the biggest problem with the Trump campaign is the "Trump" part. Americans fuckin' hate that guy.

Sherman reports Trump has also really gotten upset about rumors that Parscale is getting all new-money rich off his position in the Trump campaign, buyin' fancy rides and all that folderol, so we guess that Lincoln Project ad worked. And that has made Trump mad at Jared, who's really for real in big trouble this time, no really, Jared's gonna get it, no really, because of how Jared is responsible for the campaign, just like he's responsible for Middle East peace.

Also, for a president who is so very obsessed with people looking like they come right out of "central casting," Brad Parscale is ... not that.

So Parscale doesn't have much going for him at the moment. CNN reports that Ivanka 'n' Jared are pissssssed at Brad right now.

(Oh yeah and if Jared is really on the skids — we have heard this song before — Sherman says you'll be able to tell by who Trump puts in to lead the campaign when Trump trims the old neckbeard down to size. There are rumors! Guys like Jason Miller and David Bossie and Corey Lewandowski, AKA Trump's original team of failures AKA those guys are not Jared's pals. But one of Sherman's sources says it definitely won't be Corey Lewandowski, because "let's face it, he couldn't manage a 7-Eleven." Factcheck ouch.)

Trump really is that apoplectic about his fail-rally, though, as far as we can tell. You could see it as he exited the 'copter afterward, you could see it in the reports of how "furious" he was, and the Daily Beast is reporting that they even tried to cheer him up with some nice tweets about him, but even that didn't work:

Shortly after Saturday night's less-than-packed rally in Oklahoma, President Donald Trump was handed pieces of printed paper that aides thought would cheer him up.

The pages [...] included a collation of various copy-and-pasted live tweets by some of the president's most prominent allies and diehard fans lauding Trump's speech and celebrating the event as an unmitigated triumph against Joe Biden.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha, oh my God. It's like putting "Dora" on because the only thing that stops the baby from screaming is "Dora" — which is the reason the Trump campaign wastes money on Trump ads in the DC media market, because they know the baby will see it and maybe it'll calm him down — but that didn't even work this time.

Speaking of wasted money, another reason Parscale might be super-fucked? Because Joe Biden is whooping his ass in fundraising, including in small donations.

Also, Trump is literally calling Parscale "the website guy" now. So, it sounds like the, ahem, social distancing may have officially begun.

All of these articles we are using also have sources saying no it's fine, Neckbeard is fine, Neckbeard will keep his fancy cars and his job and his fancy baubles. We just wanted to be fair, by letting you know that.

Wonkette prediction: If Neckbeard doesn't go this time, he will go next time Trump's campaign has a shit day because Trump is a shit candidate. So, like, tomorrow probably.


[Vanity Fair / Daily Beast]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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