Trump Cancels Christmas For Federal Employees


Merry Christmas, suckers! Yes, even you atheists, Jews, Muslims, and my fellow Druids -- federal employees of all denominations are getting screwed just a few nights before Christmas. The government partially shut down on midnight today because the Republican-controlled Congress couldn't pass a spending bill that Donald Trump, who is curiously the president, would sign with his baby hands.

Roughly 800,000 federally employed Bob Cratchits are affected by the shutdown, with half of of them facing furloughs over Christmas week. "Essential" government employees -- the Secret Service, Customs and Border Patrol agents, and US troops -- will remain on duty but will receive a Trump-brand IOU for the days worked during Trump's temper tantrum. Melania Trump is obviously "non-essential," so she'll have some extra time to chill and catch a few Christmas films on the Hallmark channel.

But don't fret, you last-minute Amazon holiday shoppers: The post office will stay open. Best of all, TSA agents will still be there to make you remove your shoes before you board a flight to wherever you're enduring the holidays with your loved ones.

Why are we in this mess? Why are we having the third government shutdown of the year? Well, Trump insisted the spending bill include $5 billion for his stupid WALL. That wouldn't even start to pay for it but a WALL is very important to him and his bonehead supporters.

Awful person Kirstjen Nielsen appeared before Congress this week and explained that "we need WALL." Her "Hulk-speak" didn't convince anyone of anything but it did raise concerns that she was suffering a stroke on live TV.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham praised Trump's shutdown antics Friday night because he's an ongoing flaming embarrassment to my native state.

"When you make a promise to the American people, you should keep it," Graham said. "The one thing I like about President Trump ― he's trying his best to keep his promise. He promised to build a wall, and he's going to fight hard to keep that promise. After the caravan, if you don't see the need for more border security, you're blind."

I can see just fine outside of the closet, thank you, and the caravan threat was a joke. Republicans stopped talking about it immediately after the midterms when scaring gullible white people was no longer a priority. Now, these frauds are claiming again Mr. Jones from Animal Farm might come back.

Folks are pointing out that Trump is trying to pin the shutdown on Democrats when just earlier this month he boasted that he'd proudly "take the mantle" (yes, that's gibberish). You know, it's entirely possible that a thrice-married scumbag with a felon for a personal lawyer is not someone whose dishonesty should continually surprise us. We don't have to like it but we shouldn't be shocked by it like some common cavemen observing the sunrise: "Fire ball vanish! Now fire ball return! Me not understand. Must kill son so fireball never go away again!"

This is where we are now: A president who shuts down the government the weekend before Christmas because he wants billions to build a wall to keep out poor people. The three words that best describe him and his stupid WALL are as follows -- and I quote -- "stink, stank, stunk."

Trump tweeted out a pathetic image of himself yesterday sitting behind an empty desk pretending to sign bills he hadn't read. It's something out of a Charles Dickens novel but no one should expect Trump to experience a life-altering event on Christmas Eve.

"Oh! But he was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge! a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, old sinner! Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret, and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster. The cold within him froze his old features, nipped his pointed nose, shrivelled his cheek, stiffened his gait; made his eyes red, his thin lips blue; and spoke out shrewdly in his grating voice. A frosty rime was on his head, and on his eyebrows, and his wiry chin. He carried his own low temperature always about with him; he iced his office in the dog-days; and didn't thaw it one degree at Christmas. External heat and cold had little influence on Scrooge. No warmth could warm, no wintry weather chill him."

I dunno. I still like this guy more than Trump.

Happy Whatever the Hell You're Doing Next Week!

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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