Trump Cancels Christmas For Federal Employees


Merry Christmas, suckers! Yes, even you atheists, Jews, Muslims, and my fellow Druids -- federal employees of all denominations are getting screwed just a few nights before Christmas. The government partially shut down on midnight today because the Republican-controlled Congress couldn't pass a spending bill that Donald Trump, who is curiously the president, would sign with his baby hands.

Roughly 800,000 federally employed Bob Cratchits are affected by the shutdown, with half of of them facing furloughs over Christmas week. "Essential" government employees -- the Secret Service, Customs and Border Patrol agents, and US troops -- will remain on duty but will receive a Trump-brand IOU for the days worked during Trump's temper tantrum. Melania Trump is obviously "non-essential," so she'll have some extra time to chill and catch a few Christmas films on the Hallmark channel.

But don't fret, you last-minute Amazon holiday shoppers: The post office will stay open. Best of all, TSA agents will still be there to make you remove your shoes before you board a flight to wherever you're enduring the holidays with your loved ones.

Why are we in this mess? Why are we having the third government shutdown of the year? Well, Trump insisted the spending bill include $5 billion for his stupid WALL. That wouldn't even start to pay for it but a WALL is very important to him and his bonehead supporters.

Awful person Kirstjen Nielsen appeared before Congress this week and explained that "we need WALL." Her "Hulk-speak" didn't convince anyone of anything but it did raise concerns that she was suffering a stroke on live TV.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham praised Trump's shutdown antics Friday night because he's an ongoing flaming embarrassment to my native state.

"When you make a promise to the American people, you should keep it," Graham said. "The one thing I like about President Trump ― he's trying his best to keep his promise. He promised to build a wall, and he's going to fight hard to keep that promise. After the caravan, if you don't see the need for more border security, you're blind."

I can see just fine outside of the closet, thank you, and the caravan threat was a joke. Republicans stopped talking about it immediately after the midterms when scaring gullible white people was no longer a priority. Now, these frauds are claiming again Mr. Jones from Animal Farm might come back.

Folks are pointing out that Trump is trying to pin the shutdown on Democrats when just earlier this month he boasted that he'd proudly "take the mantle" (yes, that's gibberish). You know, it's entirely possible that a thrice-married scumbag with a felon for a personal lawyer is not someone whose dishonesty should continually surprise us. We don't have to like it but we shouldn't be shocked by it like some common cavemen observing the sunrise: "Fire ball vanish! Now fire ball return! Me not understand. Must kill son so fireball never go away again!"

This is where we are now: A president who shuts down the government the weekend before Christmas because he wants billions to build a wall to keep out poor people. The three words that best describe him and his stupid WALL are as follows -- and I quote -- "stink, stank, stunk."

Trump tweeted out a pathetic image of himself yesterday sitting behind an empty desk pretending to sign bills he hadn't read. It's something out of a Charles Dickens novel but no one should expect Trump to experience a life-altering event on Christmas Eve.

"Oh! But he was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge! a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, old sinner! Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret, and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster. The cold within him froze his old features, nipped his pointed nose, shrivelled his cheek, stiffened his gait; made his eyes red, his thin lips blue; and spoke out shrewdly in his grating voice. A frosty rime was on his head, and on his eyebrows, and his wiry chin. He carried his own low temperature always about with him; he iced his office in the dog-days; and didn't thaw it one degree at Christmas. External heat and cold had little influence on Scrooge. No warmth could warm, no wintry weather chill him."

I dunno. I still like this guy more than Trump.

Happy Whatever the Hell You're Doing Next Week!

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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