If you are not a political nerd, you might not be aware there were primary elections in Ohio last night. You might have been watching Simone Biles come back and win bronze on the balance beam. You might have been watching the male divers strut around in their buttcheek Speedos, a porn show that apparently was part of an athletic competition of some sort. So since that's what we were doing too, let's all learn about the Ohio special primaries together!

First of all, we regret to inform you that Donald Trump must now be worshiped yet again until kingdom come, for his anointed candidate, energy lobbyist Mike Carey, hath won his primary in the 15th Congressional District, which is just south of Columbus, for the seat recently held by Republican Steve Stivers. There had been concern, as Trump's chosen candidate in a Texas runoff last week lost her race. Was it possible Trump was not literally the GOP's lord and savior, who cometh upon the clouds and grabbeth all the clouds by the pussy? Were Trump's candidates total losers, now that Trump isn't allowed to have Twitter?

Well have no fear! Every GOP knee shall once again bow, in earth and in heaven, and every GOP name shall confess that Trump IS lord. Because his guy won! Of course, there were 10 people running, and Carey was able to win with a grand total of 36 percent, but that's OK, Donald Trump didn't win his presidency with 50 percent of the vote either. Majorities are for losers.


It also can't have helped that everybody else seemed to be splitting their endorsements around like participation trophies, and nobody was willing to drop out:

Trump's endorsement of Carey, a personal friend of the former president's adviser Corey Lewandowski, did not clear the field. Stivers endorsed and put campaign resources behind state Rep. Jeff LaRe, who emphasized his experience as a police officer, and Ohio Right to Life backed state Sen. Bob Peterson, who argued that his rivals aren't as trustworthy on abortion.

Some national GOP figures endorsed other Carey rivals. Debbie Meadows, wife of former Trump chief of staff Mark Meadows, backed Ruth Edmonds, a pastor and former local NAACP leader who argued that a Black woman like her could battle left-wing narratives about race. Libertarian PACs put more than $500,000 behind ads for former state congressman Ron Hood, who was endorsed by Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.).

Also a pro-Trump PAC threw $350,000 into ads during the last week of the race. That helped.

So Trump's guy won. Smashing victory. Yooge. Even Politico Playbook is all caps-ing that "TRUMP REDEEMS HIMSELF IN OHIO," and when has Politico Playbook ever overstated the significance of a thing?

Meanwhile over there in the gerrymandered-to-hell 11th District, which includes parts of Cleveland and Akron, there was a Democratic primary for the seat recently held by Marcia Fudge, who's now President Joe Biden's HUD secretary. We almost don't want to talk about it because it was "establishment" vs. "the Bernie side" and "establishment" won and golly gee, we know different people have different opinions about that and you may have the bandwidth for that fight but Jesus Christ, we don't.

The race was between longtime Ohio political fixture Shontel Brown, who was endorsed by some of the Congressional Black Caucus and also Hillary Clinton, and Nina Turner, who also has a history in Ohio politics (she was a beloved state senator) but who most non-Ohio readers would recognize as one of Bernie Sanders's fiercest surrogates. Nina Turner lost. Shontel Brown won by almost six points. As the New York Times notes, their platforms were actually very similar.

Turner was way ahead at the beginning, but then things changed, for a few reasons, and apparently the contest got a bit nasty:

Brown started to catch up to Turner last month, after House Majority Whip James E. Clyburn (D-S.C.) endorsed her, and after Democratic Majority for Israel's PAC ran ads warning that Turner could undermine the Democratic agenda. Brown's campaign emphasized that she had worked to elect Biden; the PAC's ads reminded voters that Turner had cast a protest vote against the 2020 Democratic platform and had compared the choice between Trump and Biden to eating a full bowl or half bowl of human excrement. [...]

Turner and Brown closed the campaign with a flurry of attacks, with one ad from Turner citing a potential probe into Brown's contracting on the county council, with an image of jail doors slamming to suggest that Brown could end up in prison, while Turner's surrogates attacked Brown for the donations she or her supportive PACs had gotten from Republicans.

As we said, Ohio's 11th is very safely blue, so after the general election in November, Shontel Brown, like Mike Carey in the 15th, will almost certainly be in Congress.

The Washington Post roundup has a lot more details on that race, should you like to read them, and should there not be any viral TikToks of British gold medalist diver Tom Daley on the internet right now unboxing condoms and seductively putting suckers in his mouth, oh wait there are?

Gotta go BRB.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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