Trump Can't Wait For His Orange Global Warming Tan! Wonkagenda For Fri., Dec. 29, 2017

Morning Wonketariat! We've ALMOST made it! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today, but first, TIGER CUBS!

Trump stopped golfing for a moment to ramble to the NYTimes that the president can't commit crimes because he is smart, and he won the election bigly after Hillary Clinton's email killed Ben Ghazi with John Podesta's Russian pasta.

Trump says he won't fire Robert Mueller, but that's because the House Freedom crazies and GOP wingnuts might do it for him.

While sitting in Florida, Trump tweeted something stupid about global warming being able to solve the the perpetual cycle commonly known as "winter," causing Democratic lawmakers to lash out.

A wave of quit/firings is expected to overtake Trump's White House after the new year as the administration continues to stumble blindly through DC.

A new proposal by the Interior Department's Bureau of Safety and Environmental Enforcement wants to roll back "unnecessary burdens" the Obama administration put in place to prevent ecological disasters like Deepwater Horizon. Maybe Republicans will apologize to BP again!

Scott Pruitt has hired his shady friend Albert Kelly, a man who was banned from the banking industry by the FDIC, to manage an EPA Superfund taskforce. What could possibly go wrong?

As Sen. John McCain battles an aggressive form of brain cancer, Republican leadership is pissed at the open campaign being waged by power-hungry politicos for his seat. You'd think they'd have a little respect.

Scott Dworkin is screaming as loud as possible (per usual) that Trump slut Devin Nunes took Ameros from Paul Singer, the owner of the Washington Free Beacon, the crappy conservative DC rag that started funding THE DOSSIER.

Thousands of Puerto Rican cops suddenly came down with blue flu after being repeatedly stiffed on overtime pay.

Angela Merkel and NATO allies are trying to lead Trump with a meat-covered carrot in order to preserve 70 years of diplomacy and avoid the nightmare of Trump aligning the US with dictators (any more).

As of yesterday, the Trump administration is responsible for the deaths of at least 33 military members, a number of whom were killed in combat situations that aren't formally acknowledged conflict theaters, like Niger, Somalia, Syria, and Yemen.

The US has been quietly stepping up air strikes in Somalia on al-Shabab militants as AFRICOM works with whatever passes for a government in Somalia this month.

On Jan. 1 the only barriers for prospective transgender military recruits will be confused recruiting personnel.

Super rich Republicans are making it rain over Florida Rep. Ron DeSantis, a House Freedom crazy, after a Trump tweet seemed to endorse his presumed gubernatorial campaign.

Massachusetts is throwing out thousands of drug convictions after some lab chemists tried to go all Breaking Bad with evidence.

California is about to legalize weed, and that has small towns and large cities bracing for the new high society.

The cost of replacing some bridges in Rhode Island along Route 95 have ballooned from $226.1 million to $342.9 million after the Trump administration canceled Obama-era infrastructure plans to bring in private contractors. Everybody wants a taste!

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! Illinois has joined California to become the second state to ban the "gay panic defense" used by hicks horrified of the the rainbow riding homo hordes.

According to the KGB playbook, Mother Russia is honor-bound to open up her loving arms to former comrades who ran during the fall of the Soviet Union, especially if they're rich, spies, or rich spies.

The Chinese aren't the only ones who MIGHT be circumventing sanctions and selling oil to North Korea as a number of ships from both Russia and the DPRK have been caught engaging in shady shit. 

Apple says it's very sorry that it's been fucking with your iPhones, promising that, in the future, it will be more clever about ripping you off.

There's a nine month waiting list for states waiting to get their voting machines inspected by the DHS; you can thank lazy Congress creeps and shitty state legislatures.

According to federal prosecutors, Romanian hackers were able to take control of DC's outdoor surveillance cameras days before the Inauguration, and also tried to extort money through a list of stolen email addresses via ransomware.

Trump's DC trash palace is making a fortune off idiots in silly hats while the rest of his properties are running out of red ink for their books.

Since he waddled into the Oval Office, Trump has refused to eat at any place that doesn't pay him rent or bear his name, presumably because respectable chefs know serving burnt steaks with ketchup is criminal.

The campaign spox for LOSER and ALLEGED pedophile Roy Moore, Janet Porter, was on CNN embarrassing herself (again), demanding to speak to a manager about this unacceptable special senate election.

Dame Peggington ventured forth from her spacious abode after indulging herself in the recent historical drama about her majesty, Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom, Canada and Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, to attend the cinema, but was left grief stricken at the liberal revisionist histories, such as the negative shadow cast upon the late Richard Milhous Nixon's attempt to stifle the release of the Pentagon Papers. [Archive]

And here's your morning Nice Time! A baby pygmy hippo!

Freedom isn't free, but Yr Wonkette is! Throw us some Ameros so things stay that way!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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