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President Unloved And Unworthy Of Being Loved is having a birthday today. According to our quick back-of-the-napkin calculations, he is 148,467 in dog years, which is we don't know how many in people years, because we're not sure he's a "people."

Because he doesn't really have friends or joy in his life, he decided that fuck it, he'd do his morning Twitter-raging live, and he would do it on "Fox & Friends," where they are at least paid multiple American dollars to be nice to him. Was he in a good mood? Of course not!

It started off real sad, with Trump saying he was going to "work" today (lie) instead of really celebrating his birthday (no friends), but that maybe there will be "a little piece of cake" tonight. As always thanks to Bobby Lewis from Media Matters for live-tweeting these videos so we can copy off his paper.


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Trump whined about anything and everything he could, claiming that the words we saw him say to George Snuffleupagus about how he's DTF with some illegal electoral assistance from hostile foreign powers in 2020 were FAKE NEWS, and that he did not say what we heard him say, or maybe we just did not understand his very brilliant good words.

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See if you can follow the bouncing dementia syphilis gremlins:

First of all, I don't think anybody would present me with anything bad, because I love this country, nobody's going to present me with anything bad. If I was -- and of course you have to LOOK AT IT, because if you don't LOOK AT IT, you're not gonna know if it's bad! How are you gonna know if it's bad? But of course you give it to the FBI or report it to the attorney general or somebody like that. But of course you'd do that. You can't have that happen with our country! And everybody understands that. And I thought it was made clear ... [...]

How are you going to, if you don't HEAR what it is, you're not gonna know what it is! [...] If I don't LISTEN, you're not gonna know!

Now, if I thought anything was incorrect or badly stated, I'd report it to the attorney general or the FBI. [...] I had dinner with the queen! I met with the prime minister of the UK! I was with the head of France! [...] I'm just thinkin', "gee if they say 'we don't like your opponent,'" am I supposed to put the president of France, am I supposed to report them to the FBI?

Whew.

Reminder: We are talking about a hostile foreign power giving Trump stolen (or made-up) dirt on a political opponent in order to help him win re-election. We are not talking about the Queen of England calling Joe Biden a strumpet.

But let's try to translate this into English. Trump says he'd give the illegal foreign dirt to the FBI if it was incorrect or badly stated, whatever the hell that means. But he kept saying "if it's bad," which makes us think he's saying that if the Russians told him something about an opponent that he could give Bill Barr in order to LOCK HER UP, then OF COURSE he would give it to the FBI! Trump does not understand -- or does understand but has zero respect for the law or love for his country -- that the "going to the FBI" part is not about "RUSSHUR TOLE ME HILLARY DID A CRIME," but rather about "RUSSHUR IS TRYING TO SWING THE ELECTION FOR ME, IN GENERAL." This is why he wants to "listen to what they have to say," in order to determine whether it's regular campaign dirt, or if it's something bad. And wouldn't he just love it if Russia did provide him with (probably fake) evidence of a political opponent committing a crime? That would solve his little "I suck and can't win an election unless I cheat" problem, wouldn't it? Just have his old balls poolboy at the DOJ indict them before the election!

This video is a continuation of the same topic, but more than that it's Trump lying and saying he loves America, the hosts (his "friends") trying desperately to move the interview along, and Trump audibly smashing his stupid face into the buttons on the phone:

Moving on!

Trump continued his administration's sudden and highly questionable blaming of the tanker attacks in the Gulf of Oman on Iran, even though people in the know are starting to come out and suggest that the Trump administration is lying about it, just as we'd expect they would. Trump's "evidence" for Iran being responsible? "You know they did it because you saw the boat." Well then, case closed! Ain't gotta send anybody on a snipe hunt for yellowcake uranium in Niger if you saw the boat!

Trump added that "it's got Iran written all over it" and added that Obama sucks and the Iran nuclear deal was an "outrage" and blah blah blah blah blah.

He whined about Obama a whole lot more, but you don't care.

And of course, he is still very mad that Nancy Pelosi (he called her "Nervous Nancy" because she makes him nervous) accused him of doing "cover-ups." (He's mad because she's right.) He also called her statements "fascist," because that's what talking anal carbuncle Mark Levin called them, and because even when he's using words he couldn't accurately define if you threatened to cancel the White House's Fox News subscription, he's projecting. (This is why he always says Joe Biden doesn't have the "mental capacity" to run against him, like he did again this morning. Projection!)

This led into Trump spouting conspiracy theories (debunked) about how it was "illegal" how the Democrats did the "spying" with the "dossier" and blah blah blah blah blah. He ended this section saying that the Democrats' investigations in Congress are like "death by a thousand wounds" for his administration, because Trump is aware of all common English expressions.

MOAR CONSPIRACY THEORIES: Obama did wire tapps to Trump's B-hole, why isn't the FBI looking at Hillary's emails, 33,000 emails, and so on and so forth.

Trump bitched and moaned about the Office of Special Counsel (led by a dude he appointed) taking the unprecedented step of recommending Kellyanne Conway be fired for her constant and in-your-face violations of the Hatch Act, saying they are trying to take away her FREEZE PEACH! This, even though the Supreme Court has ruled (TWICE) that the Hatch Act is not a violation of freeze peach, but rather just a normal law for White House employees who are fucking supposed to be working on behalf of all the American people and not campaigning, Jesus fucking Christ, what is wrong with her.

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And why is it not fair for Kellyanne Conway to be "silenced" in this way, beyond the obvious freeze peach issues? Because Joe Biden made fun of Trump first.

Want to hear Trump opine on the state of the Democratic primary, including the projection about Joe Biden not having the "mental capacity"? Sure you don't! He says Bernie is slipping, "Pocahontas" is rising, and he can't even see the other candidates. Whatever!

Other things happened in the interview. (It was 50 minutes and 20 seconds long! That's how lonely President Suckass is on his birthday.) Mostly it was lies we've heard a hundred times -- it's almost impossible for Republicans to win the Electoral College! My tariffs are working and are not fucking over Americans! Boooooooooring.

Also he said Melania is the new Jackie O, which we guess is true except for the part about how nobody likes her and she keeps decorating the White House like it's the Overlook Hotel.

Oh yeah, and he tried to hire Brian Kilmeade for his administration, which was LOL denied.

In summary and in conclusion, happy fucking birthday, Preznit LoserShits. We'd say we're sorry about your loneliness on your birthday, but unlike you, Wonkette doesn't lie.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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