Trump, Chuck, And Nancy Have DACA Dinner Date! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Sept. 14, 2017

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Remember how Devin Nunes jumped out of a speeding Uber and ran to the White House to tell Trump that Susan Rice ripped Scooby Doo masks off his sketchy campaign officials? That happened because UAE crown prince Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed al-Nahyan had flown to New York for a super secret meeting at Trump Tower.

The hate-spewing spawn of Mike Flynn, Mike Flynn Jr., is getting an eye-fucking from Robert Mueller for being so damn close to his dad's Russian and Turkish fuckery.

Here's some Morning Maddow to 'splainer all the things!

TrumpCare isn't dead, it's just on life support, and Tom Price is determined to infect America by killing off Obama-era hospital accountability mandates and rules allowing nursing home residents to sue.

Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy unveiled their own shit sandwich healthcare bill yesterday. It would kill the employer mandate, tax credits, and Medicaid expansion in favor of block grants to states so that way you can blame your governor when you run out of money to treat all your lead and fracking water-related illnesses.

At first it looked like Democrats tricked Donald Trump into blowing up the Tortilla curtain and supporting DACA, but then Breitbart and Fox started bitching, and now Trump's tweeting that NOTHING HAPPENED last night after Trump ate Chinese food with Democrats.

A small group of Republican moderates are working on their own DACA-lite that could include a "down-payment" for the Tortilla Curtain, and money for Customs and Border Patrol to get new toys.

Not American investors into Prince Kushner's company decided to fuck off after Trump kept giving Jared more jobs in fear that it might not be ethical (or legal) to mix billions of Ameros with US political power.

Trump's new OGE says that it's totally cool for Trump-Russia suspects to accept anonymous donations from lobbyists for their legal defense funds, and they were hoping nobody would notice.

The REXXON State Department is trying to reduce redundancy between USAID and State, but it sure as hell seems like a merger, which has caused some employees to comment, "It’s lots of business school buzzwords with no tangible details."

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin has been caught with a $100 bill hanging from his zipper again after it was revealed that he used an Air Force jet to fly to Paris for his honeymoon.

The FBI dug so deep into Hillary Clinton's asshole looking for her emails that even her friends caught wind of it after the FBI began to subpoena her staff for evidence of her murder mail. They still didn't find a fucking thing.

Two Motels 6 in predominately Latino neighborhoods of Phoenix were apparently reporting guests to ICE for a friendly "knock and talk." Yes, this is as messed up as it sounds.

North Korea is threatening to "sink" Japan and burn the US to "ashes and darkness." This is patently absurd, both the US and Japan have fought Godzilla many times, and always come out on top.

Russia is in the middle of some Cold War-era war games, but foreign policy experts are worried that Russia might actually be moving in rather than just crashing for a few nights.

The DHS has banned use of Kaspersky software over fears that their software is being used by Russia to spy on government workers and the deep state.

Facebook SAYS it doesn't know who Russia targeted with its brainwashing ad campaign in the 2016 election, and that it may never know. We've seen this episode before, it was the one where Wally and the Beaver were playing ball inside the house, then lied about the broken window.

Sen. Al Franken is worried that Apple's new facial recognition feature could be used by crooked cops and criminals to steal your dick pics, but Apple says you should just trust them that The Fappening will never happen again.

FTC Chair Maureen Ohlhausen is super worried about the huge gigantic bigness of tech and telecom companies like Amazon and AOL-Time Warner posing a severe threat to access to general goods and services, as well as basic Internet access.

Trump's White House and conservative blowhards are screaming for the head of ESPN commentator Jemele Hill for saying that Donald Trump's "rise is the direct result of white supremacy," and that sportsball is sacred turf, devoid of politics.

Pharma bro Martin Shkreli is waking up in jail this morning after a federal judge revoked his bail for tweeting that he'd pay $5,000 for Hillary Clinton's hair, among other creepier things, which the judge called "solicitation of assault."

ICYMI: The Notorious RBG gave a talk at a certain former-intern's university about many things, like her workout routine, and the need for more lady SCOTUS judges. [Full Video]

And here's your late night wrap-up! Jimmy Kimmel had a long talky time with Sean Spicer; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Robert Mueller's killer moves; The Daily Show has a real problem with violent Buddhists holding a Nobel Peace PrizeJames Corden thinks it's sad the Hilldawg's book wasn't written by PRESIDENT Hilldawg; Samantha Bee is back with angry 'splainerings for Kris Kobach.;

And here's your morning Nice Time! Baby goats in sweaters!

It's readers like you who use the clickys and give us monies! They're super awesome, and you can be super awesome too!

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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