Trump Declares Victory Over Comey By Squealing 'I'M GONNA SUE!'


On Thursday, regular people with normal-sized hands watched fired FBI director James Comey testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee and openly declare that Donald J. Trump, barely elected president of the United States, is a liar. Comey also laid out a strong case that Trump tried to obstruct justice, but he didn't say the magic words radical Islamic terrorism Obstruction Of Justice, so we guess it doesn't count.

But Donald Trump, his dumb lawyer, and the handful of Americans who still support him, saw a different hearing, because they are very stupid people. In their eyes, Trump was VINDICATED!

WINNING! Because number one, Trump only said he "hoped" Comey would end the FBI investigation into Michael Flynn, and New York underworld thugs never use "hope" as a threat.


But also he is vindicated because COMEY is a common LEAKER who LEAKS, because LEAK is always a BAD WORD, even if you are talking about UNCLASSIFIED INFORMATION. You see, Comey gave his friend an unclassified memo after his firing, which he wrote after Trump kicked everybody out of the Oval Office on Valentine's Day, so he could move on Comey in private. Because Donald Trump is too stupid to know WTF the difference is between leaking classified and unclassified information, this means Comey is GUILTY because the GREATEST CRIME of AMERICA is leaking MEAN THINGS about TRUMP to the FAKE LYING PRESS. This is sooooooo much worse than that time Trump prematurely ejaculated code word level intelligence from the Israelis to to the Russians.

Trump's lawyer laid out this "argument" in the almost perfectly spelled statement he released after Comey's testimony. It was very convincing.

So, now that we know these things, it is just obvious that TRUMP WINS, and YOU (AMERICA) LOSE, and now he can move on from all this unsavory business and get back to the very hard work of being a failed president.

By "move on," we of course mean that his pig grundle of a lawyer is threatening to sue, because Comey "leaked" like a Russian pee hooker:

President Donald Trump's outside attorney plans to file a complaint against former FBI Director James Comey with the Justice Department Inspector General and the Senate judiciary committee, two sources with knowledge of the situation told CNN. [...]

It is unclear when Trump's attorney, Marc Kasowitz, will file the complaints, but the source said they are actively exploring their options.

The Justice Department, however, has limited jurisdiction over former employees. They can investigate but the remedy in the event of finding wrongdoing would be to make a note in Comey's file should he ever seek to be employed by the DOJ again.

That's right, buster, there's gonna be a note in Comey's file at a place where he doesn't work! Bet that'll make him think twice next time he wants to act as a private citizen and tell one of his friends unclassified information about his interactions with the Pussgrab Loser-In-Chief! Of course, this might have more teeth if Trump had invoked executive privilege, but he didn't.

Of course, as CNN points out, threatening to sue then forgetting to sue is Trump's modus operandi in life. So this is probably just thug bullying behavior from the very dignified president of America, meant to make James Comey, a real man, tremble in his panties. It probably won't work.

For now, anyway, Trump World is walking on sunshine, which is kind of weird considering how Robert Mueller's special investigation continues on uninterrupted, and to read accounts from people in the know, it sounds like the team he's putting together is tough as nails, and exactly the kind of people you'd assemble if you were going to take down the president of the United States. But SHHHHHHHHHHH, don't tell them that. Let Trump and his idiot family -- Donald Jr. said Daddy is "exonerated" on the Sean Hannity Snowflake Show! -- believe they are #winning so much that everybody's going to get tired of #winning. Let paid Trump idiots like Kayleigh McEnany write their 6th grade level op-eds in The Hill about "LOL U DEMS MUST BE FEELING LIKE A COMMON DUMB OBUMMER NOW."

Let them have some false hope, just for now. It'll be so much more fun to watch them fall.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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