Trump Gonna BURN THIS SHIT DOWN To Save His Ass From Robert Mueller!

And now for some news that has nothing to do with Brett Kavanaugh's penis or Donald Trump's penis! The president has committed what may be the biggest of obstruction of justice he has engaged in since he was inaugurated, because despite everything else that's going on, the walls of the Russia investigation continue to close in on him and his family. Therefore, in the name of "transparency," it's time to VERY SELECTIVELY declassify some classified information and harm national security in the process, and all for the sake of giving Fox News and the paste-eating dipshits in the House GOP something to shout about, and to try to protect his stupid ass.

Here's the basic thing he did, and why it's so bad, both for America and also for himself, because he's such a fuckin' idiot. Just as his presidency is falling apart, his SCOTUS nominee is being accused of attempted rape, Paul Manafort is flipping on him, Michael Cohen is talking to Robert Mueller about him, and Michael Flynn is about to be sentenced ... WHEW! ... Trump has issued the following order:

If you cannot embiggen that, Trump has ordered the Justice Department to declassify certain pages BUT NOT ALL OF THEM of one of the FISA applications to surveil world's stupidest Russian intelligence asset Carter Page; all the info the FBI has on interviews with FBI agent Bruce Ohr, in connection with the Russia investigation (this is about his discussions with British spy dossier author Christopher Steele, which Trump is obsessed with); and a whole fuckton of text messages the FBI has, related to the Russia investigation, from James Comey, Andrew McCabe, Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, and Bruce Ohr.

Basically, he wants to declassify shit about an ongoing investigation from all the people he, in his brain (which may be also filled with Yeti Pubes), has decided are his enemies. And that is why this may be the biggest obstruction he's committed yet, and a fucking egregious abuse of power. Sure, the president can declassify anything he wants, but he very clearly is doing this to interfere with an ONGOING INVESTIGATION. This is not about "transparency," this is about Trump being willing to burn down our institutions to save his own ugly pockmarked ass. (That sound you hear is Robert Mueller adding this to the obstruction and abuse of power pile on his desk that is one million miles tall.)

The very bullshit White House statement says they are doing this "at the request of a number of committees of Congress," which is irrelevant since, despite how alleged cow-fucker Devin Nunes and other #HugeFuckingMorons like Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan seem to have been misled otherwise, Congress doesn't have the "oversight responsibility" to just come start picking through ONGOING INVESTIGATIONS, so please go jump off a bridge into a lake of fire.

As for why this is so fucking stupid for Trump and his minions, here is why! Remember those insane weeks when cousin-humping Grandpas in Trump's heartland and Russian bots alike were screaming #ReleaseTheMemo, because Devin Nunes's staff had written a memo that supposedly PROVED the Russia investigation was a MADE UP HOAX WITCH HUNT? That thing landed like a hot turd out of the sky. Please recall that #THEMEMO was supposed to show that the original Carter Page surveillance requests were somehow unlawful, and that the Russia investigation had been somehow initiated on false pretenses related to the DODGY DOSSIER that HILLARY BOUGHT from RUSSIAN LIARS.

It showed no such thing. It instead showed that the FBI had been on Page's tail FORFUCKINGYEARS, and that every time a FISA request or renewal came up on Page, multiple people in FBI/DOJ, including every FISA judge who reviewed it, agreed that they should keep spying on this dipshit Russian spy asset from Dipshit Canyon. It also showed that, despite whatever mouth vomit Trump and Republicans spewed, and despite whatever maniacal monologues Sean Hannity or Jeanine Pirro delivered on Fox News while playing paper football wtih each other's poo, the Russia investigation started for the exact reason the New York Times reported -- because an Australian diplomat alerted the FBI that this one dumbfuck Trump campaign foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos was blabber-drunking to the world that Russia was showing him all the sexxxy dirts it had on Hillary Clinton.

Is there any reason to believe that if Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and FBI Director Christopher Wray accede to this order -- and they may not fully -- this selective declassification of Carter Page FISA shit and James Comey's dirty late night sexts would reveal the sexxxy conspiracies the president believes in? Considering the track record of the MENSA Republicans we're talking about, we wouldn't get too excited.

Matt Gaetz, goldfish-brained GOP rep from Florida, sees it differently:

One of Trump's most dutiful servants in Congress, Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida, insists this release will "reveal to the American people some of the systemic corruption and bias" at "the highest levels of the DOJ and FBI."

OK, cupcake. Whatever makes you feel like the real Inspector Gadget.

Former Trump campaign idiot Michael Caputo is experiencing throbbing giggle boners:

"I can't wait. To me it's Christmas, my birthday and the Fourth of July all wrapped up into one," said Michael Caputo, a former Trump campaign adviser who has been questioned as part of the Russia probe.

Please aim your premature ejaculations in another direction, sir.

This is the problem when these fucking morons believe the pink elephants they see in their heads when they huff paint. The actual information we're likely to learn if Rosenstein and Wray do what Trump says? Probably not juicy at all.

Might there be some interesting info we didn't know? Sure! Of course, we've already seen the heavily redacted version of the Carter Page warrants, which shows exactly what we just said it shows. But maybe those redacted pages say "ALL THOSE OTHER PAGES ARE FAKE NEWS MADE UP BY THE DEMOCRATS"! Isn't it totally possible that's why the FBI redacted them in the first place? Maybe maybe maybe? But yeah, LOL nope.

There is no reason we should expect to find in these documents any sticky remains from Sean Hannity's wet dreams or Devin Nunes's cow-fucking pasture romps, not that he has any of those ever, how would we know if Devin Nunes fucks cows, STOP ASKING US.

As for the all the text messages Trump wants to see, we know what happens when Fox News starts caterwauling about NEW TEXTS FROM PETER STRZOK. Horse-asses like Mark Meadows work themselves into an orgasmic lather, but then people who've been to school read the texts and start to worry that horse-asses like Mark Meadows might need to go to a neurologist if they really think these texts mean what horse-asses like Mark Meadows say they mean.

Now, this could still be very bad for America. FBI people have said the release of redacted information from the Carter Page FISA requests would compromise sources and methods (for you Trump voters out there, "sources and methods" is just an honors-level way of saying "the way the FBI and the intel community keep your pig ass safe"), and that this request is, in legal terms, FUCKING BUGFUCK INSANE, but hey, YOLO! We're in Trump's America, which he plans to destroy!

Releasing the contents of those texts could also be dangerous, as Vox succinctly explains:

Those text messages could discuss all manner of things, including, potentially, investigators' suspicions, secret evidence, investigative methods, and information on confidential sources whose lives could be put at risk (if his instruction to release them "without redaction" truly is carried out).

Oh, but that's the good shit Trump wants to see, so he can find out what they got on him!

Of course, as Greg Sargent points out in the Washington Post, even when/if these materials come out and show absolutely nothing Trump and Nunes and Meadows think they're going to show, that won't stop all these human wet spots from lying about them, because they are idiots who know their supporters are either incapable of or unwilling to read the source documents for themselves. This is totally par for the course.

But, for real, are Rod Rosenstein and Chris Wray just going to roll over and play dead for this? That part is actually very unclear, according to Politico:

[A] Justice Department spokesman suggested that Trump was solely setting in motion a process and not ordering the immediate declassification of anything.

"When the President issues such an order, it triggers a declassification review process that is conducted by various agencies within the intelligence community, in conjunction with the White House Counsel, to seek to ensure the safety of America's national security interests," the spokesman said. "The Department and the Federal Bureau of Investigation are already working with the Director of National Intelligence to comply with the President's order."

In other words, the resistance inside the White House may already be replacing the papers on President Good Brain's desk with dirty Big Mac wrappers.

But we're sure some dumb shit will be released! And we're sure it'll hurt America!

And we're also sure Robert Mueller doesn't give two solitary fucks.

OK have an open thread now, you have earned it.

[Washington Post / Vox / Politico]

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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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