Trump Demands Proof China Coronavirus Wuhan Lab Iraq WMD Yellowcake Uranium Niger OMG WTF BENGhaZI!111!!!!

Stop us if you've heard this one before. The Trump administration is breathing down spies' necks to find #SMOKINGGUN evidence that Iraq created coronavirus in the Yellowcake Lab in Wuhan.

No wait that's not it. The Trump administration is breathing down spies' necks to find #SMOKINGGUN evidence that China created the Yellowcake in the Coronavirus Lab in Niger.

No wait that's not it. God dang it!

Oh fuck it, we'll just let the New York Times say it, since all our brains are misfiring right now:

Senior Trump administration officials have pushed American spy agencies to hunt for evidence to support an unsubstantiated theory that a government laboratory in Wuhan, China, was the origin of the coronavirus outbreak, according to current and former American officials. The effort comes as President Trump escalates a public campaign to blame China for the pandemic.

Some intelligence analysts are concerned that the pressure from administration officials will distort assessments about the virus and that they could be used as a political weapon in an intensifying battle with China over a disease that has infected more than three million people across the globe.

Well that sounds familiar! It's called "conclusion shopping," and it has been the GOP's favorite forever.

Doesn't this remind you of that time in 2002-2003 when George W. Bush's administration was working so hard to get the intel to match up with their theory that Iraq had buried yellowcake uranium in the backyard in Ukraine with the DNC server the backyard in Niger? Remember how the "evidence" for that ended up looking like Carrie Mathison on "Homeland" and one of her walls of connections, with the exception being that Carrie Mathison is smart and the Republicans who boner-rangered us into Iraq were fucking idiots?

That turned out well.

As the Times and other outlets note, most scientists are still highly skeptical of the notion that coronavirus escaped from a lab in Wuhan, even if just as a result of common human bungling. The Times adds that our own intelligence community is skeptical of this theory, which is mostly believed by GOP idiots like Donald Trump, Senator Tom Cotton, and the comments section at the Daily Caller, which is a known hook-up spot for scientists. It could be true, and if actual evidence of that comes forward — credible evidence from credible individuals! — then it will be true. But that's just not how things are looking. All the most credible evidence still says the virus was transmitted naturally somehow from bat to human, i.e. not from a lab.

But oh man, wingnuts want it to be true so bad. They need it to be true. Anything to keep Americans from blaming the Trump administration for its own malfeasance and bunglefucking of the pandemic that's now killed more than 60,000 Americans, and will kill many more before it's over, especially because Republican governors are racing to give coronavirus to their citizens by reopening society prematurely.

And because the fucking stupidest people on earth are in charge of the United States federal government, led by King Stupidest Of Stupids, they are pressuring our intel community not to find the truth but to MacGyver up some "evidence" of their latest conspiracy theory about the origins of coronavirus. The Times reports that Chief Deputy LargeStupid, AKA Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, is really taking the bull by the horns on this one and "pushing the intelligence agencies" to find, we mean make up, we mean find this "evidence." We would expect nothing less from a man with the intelligence of Chief Deputy LargeStupid.

This is just like the what the Trump administration already did with that goddamned fucking malaria drug, pushing experts aside and trying to force our real health agencies to sell Trump's scam coronavirus cure to the American people.

And it's just like Attorney General Bill "Cheap Roy Cohn" Barr is doing with all his special prosecutor investigations to find the REAL truth about the Deep State plot to take down Trump and frame him for Aggravated Russianing.

They finding anything? We mean "finding" anything? Tell us, New York Times!

The C.I.A. has yet to unearth any data beyond circumstantial evidence to bolster the lab theory, according to current and former government officials, and the agency has told policymakers it lacks enough information to either affirm or refute it.


The Defense Intelligence Agency recently changed its analytic position to formally leave open the possibility of a theory of lab origin, officials said. Senior agency officials have asked analysts to take a closer look at the labs.

Way to kiss Trump's ass, DIA.

There's much more at the Times link, so read it, should you like "reading stuff."

As we said, if real evidence comes out supporting the wingnut theory, we'll hear about it, because real scientists will talk about it, and we'll let you know.

Just like we'll let you know if they ever find that yellowcake uranium in Niger or if they finally find video of Hillary Clinton concocting the Russia Deep State Witch Hoax in her bathroom late one night wearing funny lab goggles and a science lab coat, guffawing like "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." We promise!

We can handle the truth at Wonkette. Know who can't? Your mom.* And also Donald Trump and Fox News and all the rest of the GOP.

Fuckin' dumbasses.

*Your mom may be able to handle the truth, we were just talkin' shit.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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