Trump Dick-Punches Self Repeatedly While George Stephanopoulos Watches

The entire internet is asking right now whose genius idea it was to sit Donald Trump down in front of a bunch of voters in Pennsylvania, where he'd have to talk to people and attempt his best impression of a competent human who wants to continue being president. But hey, we guess they've got to do something. He's losing by one million points, and whatever election rigging he and Russia have planned, it's just not going to be believable if he's down by one million points and he hasn't even been campaigning.

It was probably Jared Kushner's idea, because all bad ideas are.

It was so hilariously bad. It was so bad Fox News is calling it an "ambush," because we all know how it is when voters "ambush" candidates by asking them questions. In one question he'd shoot his dick off, then the next question, he'd tape his dick back on so he could punch it repeatedly. After that, he'd somehow manage to julienne his own dick, that's how bad it was.

The best thing you can say about it is that to our knowledge Trump did not poop on the stage, though somebody should ask George Stephanopoulos what it smelled like up there.

Let's tick through a few videos and then go do something better like watching paint dry, because at least the paint doesn't lie to you about the 190,000 coronavirus deaths Trump caused with his malevolent incompetence. (Follow along in the transcript here!)

Maybe If Joe Biden Had Done A Nationwide Mask Order!

No, really. Trump lied and said we're going to have a safe vaccine in just a few weeks, and whined that the Obama administration would have "taken perhaps years to have a vaccine because of the FDA and all the approvals" — you know, the way things are supposed to be done so vaccines don't kill people or make them sprout third armpits. He lied and said our mortality rates were the best in the world. He lied and said he didn't downplay coronavirus, even though THERE HE IS on tape telling Bob Woodward he did just that.

Then, in response to a voter question, Trump blamed Joe Biden for not imposing a national mask mandate:

TRUMP: They said at the Democrat convention they're going to do a national mandate. They never did it, because they've checked out and they didn't do it.

And a good question is, you ask why Joe Biden — they said we're going to do a national mandate on masks.

STEPHANOPOULOS: He's called on all governors to have them. There's a state responsibility…

TRUMP: Well no, but he didn't do it.

WHAT? Does Donald Trump think Joe Biden already has an Article II that says he can do whatever he wants? Does he know who is the president of America? Does he know what day it is? If Stephanopoulos had given him the brain damage test right then, the one Trump brags about, would he have passed it?

Immediately after that, Trump explained that some people do not like masks, and those people are waiters, and Trump knows this because he is hip to the concerns of waiters:

TRUMP: I'll tell you who those people are — waiters. They come over and they serve you, and they have a mask. And I saw it the other day where they were serving me, and they're playing with the mask ... I'm not blaming them ... I'm just saying what happens. They're playing with the mask, so the mask is over, and they're touching it, and then they're touching the plate. That can't be good.

OK. So as we learned yesterday from the batshit lady in Utah, child molesters just LOVE masks, but waiters? Hate 'em. WHICH SIDE R U ON?

Trump bragged about his dumbass China travel ban that didn't accomplish shit — "So that was called action, not with the mouth, but an actual fact," said Trump, with his mouth. He talked about Winston Churchill standing on the top of buildings and keeping everybody calm during the bombings, from the top of the buildings he was standing on.

Then there was this one for the blooper reel, about how coronavirus is going to disappear once we all develop "herd mentality."

[ia_video source="" autoplay=true feedbacks=true shortcode_id=1600267607207 expand=1 ]

TRUMP: And it's probably going to go away now a lot faster because of the vaccines.

It would go away without the vaccine, George, but it's going to go away a lot faster with it.

STEPHANOPOULOS: It would go away without the vaccine?

TRUMP: Sure, over a period of time. Sure, with time it goes away.

STEPHANOPOULOS: And many deaths.

TRUMP: And you'll develop — you'll develop herd — like a herd mentality. It's going to be — it's going to be herd-developed, and that's going to happen. That will all happen.

To be clear, aside from the LOLs, Trump is trying really hard to say he supports letting the virus just waft away because of herd immunity, which experts say could kill as many as three million Americans.

That's what he's saying. That's his plan.

Whatever fake vaccine he announces at the beginning of November can go fuck itself.

This Is The Best Part Of The Town Hall And Also Maybe The Whole Week

An assistant professor from Philadelphia named Alcyee Block, a Black woman, asked Trump if he thinks protections for people with pre-existing conditions should be removed from Obamacare, noting that Obamacare is the reason those protections are there in the first place. Trump is in court RIGHT NOW still fighting to fuck Obamacare and fuck people with pre-existing conditions.

Block was not putting up with it:

[ia_video source="" autoplay=true feedbacks=true shortcode_id=1600267590503 expand=1 ]

BLOCK: [S]hould pre-existing conditions, which ObamaCare brought into … brought to fruition be removed?


BLOCK:Please stop and let me finish my question, sir.


And she did finish her question, and in response she got ... this gibberish:

TRUMP: And we are not going to hurt anything having to do with pre-existing conditions. We're not going to hurt pre-existing conditions. And, in fact, just the opposite.

If you look at what they want to do, where they have socialized medicine, they will get rid of pre-existing conditions, if they go into Medicare for All, which is socialized medicine ... [BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH OH GOOD GOD SHUT UP]

We're going to be doing a healthcare plan very strongly and protect people with pre-existing conditions.

He's going to be doing a healthcare plan very strongly and protect people with pre-existing conditions. You betcha.

After one million more gibberish words and lies, Stephanopoulos noted that Trump is, again, currently in court trying to fuck Obamacare, which will remove protections for people with pre-existing conditions, and also noted that Trump has been promising a beautiful healthcare plan that just somehow never comes (because there is no fucking plan and there never will be).

STEPHANOPOULOS: You're arguing the Supreme Court right now to strike it down, that would do away with pre-existing conditions.


STEPHANOPOULOS: You've promised …

TRUMP: So that we can do new healthcare.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But you've been promising a new healthcare plan.

We interviewed – I interviewed you in June of last year, you said the healthcare plan would come in two weeks. You told Chris Wallace that this summer it'd come in three weeks. You promised an executive order on preexisting …

TRUMP: I have it all ready. I have it all ready.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But it's … you've been trying to strike down pre-existing conditions …

TRUMP: It doesn't matter. I have it all ready, and it's a much better plan for you, and it's a much better plan.

The man is so over-confident that he can bullshit his way through anything, but shit, y'all, he is not ready for primetime.

"I have it all ready, and it's a much better plan for you, and it's a much better plan." Because if you say it twice in a row, it magically exists!


A lot of other things happened during the town hall, like Trump dickslapping himself trying to blame others for the very real story about how he hates the troops. All those generals who criticize him? Just disgruntled former employees he said YOU'RE FIRED to! Because he loves the troops. "You know, I go to Dover and I greet, oftentimes, soldiers coming in, and they're dead." See? He loves 'em. And they're dead.

On one of the Fox News White Power Hours, the Laura Ingraham one, they called the ABC News town hall an "ambush." Ingraham bellyached about these VERY HARD QUESTIONS voters asked, which might as well have been #RIGGED by the #DNC. Ingraham made sure to play the Black woman telling Trump to shut his trap, we guess because of how she and her viewers are extremely racist and despise Black people.

[ia_video source="" autoplay=true feedbacks=true shortcode_id=1600267632196 expand=1 ]

No, Ms. Ingraham. The only "ambush" that happened last night was Trump's leaking brain ambushing his mouth time and time again, as he failed to answer even the most basic questions from voters. He's a garbage fuckup human being, and that's all he'll ever be.

He's lucky nobody asked him the "Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV" question. That woulda gone poorly, we think.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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