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not good at wording


On Tuesday, after news broke that former FBI Director James Comey had kept a paper trail of all his creepy interactions with Donald Trump, and that the first Comey memo leaked said Trump had ever so subtly pressured him to kill his investigation into disgraced former national security adviser/actual literal foreign agent Michael Flynn, the White House denied it, in a statement literally nobody was willing to affix his or her name to.

But now it is Wednesday morning, and the White House is doing its little "LOLOL OK, just kidding, so the bad thing HAPPENED, but it was OK because #reasons," just like it always does:

See? The Comey memo is totally real and it probably says exactly what the New York Times says it says, but it's cool, because Trump is a dildo-witted ShitFerBrains who can't talk good. He ain't mean nothin' by it!

And to be fair, taken completely out of context, we might be inclined to believe it's all a big misunderstanding because Trump is so bad at making words with his mouth slit.

Consider these examples:

Trump is such an idiot and has such a tiny attention span that Reuters reports that National Security Council officials randomly splatter Trump's name throughout his Foreign Learning Stuff briefing papers, so he'll actually keep reading. We don't know if it's because he just has to see his name in print, or if it's because he can't read good and they like to show him a word every now and then that he knows. But for all we know, the briefing papers he's studying in advance of his first foreign trip look something like this:

Blahblahblah TRUMP! blah blah blah blah TRUMP! doydoydoydoy Israel is the one with the Jews TRUMP! supercalifragilistic MUSLIMS GRRRRRRRRR BING BONG! bigly big league tremendous yooge TRUMP! don't try to grab the Pope by the pussy TRUMP! lololol moved on her like a bitch and bought her furniture TRUMP! if Israel tells you a secret DO NOT immediately TRUMP! call Vladimir Putin and say "Hello I will exchange one Israel secret for one Russian pee hooker TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP STEAK TRUMP GOLF COURSE TRUMP Rosie O'Donnell is such a bitch TRUMP!

(If the National Security Council feels that text will help the president, feel free.)

This is a man who said the following thing about NAFTA in an interview with The Economist:

Part of the problem with NAFTA is that Mexico’s a VAT. So Mexico is paying almost…we pay 17%. So we are now down 17%, going into Mexico when we trade. So that’s like, you have a football team and every time they play a game, they’re down, you know, 25 points. How can you possibly do good? [...]

You could actually make the case, that the 17 is doubled. You can make that case. You know, it’s 17 and it’s really 17 and it’s a double.

This is a man who said the following sentence back when he was running for president of the United States:

Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you're a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it's true! — but when you're a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that's why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we're a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it's not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right — who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it's four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven't figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it's gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.

IN CONCLUSION, "THEY JUST KILLED US."

See? He's super stupid, it's possible his brain is actually broken, and he is incapable of "words." So there's no chance he was actually trying to obstruct justice when he BY ACCIDENT tried to pressure James Comey into killing the investigation into Michael Flynn. (By the way, according to Politico's John Bresnahan, Republicans on the Hill were dropping similar fake news turds about this Tuesday night, saying "Trump was just spouting off" and whatnot. Also, Trump's idiot firstborn son is retweeting Geraldo making excuses for why what Daddy didn't ain't all that bad.)

Except for one little thing: DONALD TRUMP FUCKING FIRED JAMES COMEY FOR REFUSING TO KILL THE TRUMP-RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.

While we absolutely believe that "senior White House official" is correct that Trump is too god-dang dumb to make words good in his mouth, we also observe a much larger pattern of obstruction here, therefore we CATEGORICALLY REJECT the White House's latest lame-ass non-denial denial.

So try again, ASSHOLES.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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