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OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.


What the fuck is WRONG with Donald Trump?

What the hell is he talking about? Besides how Donald Trump is a barely literate hamster pube who doesn't understand that "random" words "don't" require "quotation" marks, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Trump is obviously referring to a story in the New York Times last night where "sources," some of whom are probably James Comey, his wife, or his freakishly adorable dachshund, described the dinner Comey and Trump shared after the inauguration. Trump told NBC's Lester Holt that Comey requested the dinner, but the Times corrects that lie, reporting that Trump summoned Comey to the White House for dinner in January for a meal that probably included grown-up food for the former FBI director, and burned steak with two scoops of ice cream on top for the pussy-grabbing child dictator. At that dinner, according to "sources," Trump demanded loyalty from Comey, because Trump is so fucking stupid he doesn't know how the job of "FBI director" actually works:

As they ate, the president and Mr. Comey made small talk about the election and the crowd sizes at Mr. Trump’s rallies.

Because the president is an insecure pussy, and apparently that's what you have to talk about when you are in his sad, pathetic presence.

The president then turned the conversation to whether Mr. Comey would pledge his loyalty to him.

Mr. Comey declined to make that pledge. Instead, Mr. Comey has recounted to others, he told Mr. Trump that he would always be honest with him, but that he was not “reliable” in the conventional political sense. [...]

By Mr. Comey’s account, his answer to Mr. Trump’s initial question apparently did not satisfy the president, the associates said. Later in the dinner, Mr. Trump again said to Mr. Comey that he needed his loyalty.

Mr. Comey again replied that he would give him “honesty” and did not pledge his loyalty, according to the account of the conversation.

But Mr. Trump pressed him on whether it would be “honest loyalty.” “You will have that,” Mr. Comey told his associates he responded.

We are sadly not surprised that authoritarian loser bag of anthropomorphic ferret dicks Donald Trump tried to get the FBI director to pledge his "loyalty."

Donald Trump has been lying and saying that Comey assured him multiple times that he wasn't under investigation, but NBC, which also reported on that dinner, corrects the record:

The January dinner meeting between the two men, the sources said, was requested by the White House. And the former senior FBI official said Comey would never have told the president he was not under investigation — also contradicting what Trump said.

"He tried to stay away from it [the Russian-ties investigation]," said the former official, who worked closely with Comey and keeps in touch with him. "He would say, 'look sir, I really can't get into it, and you don't want me to.'" [...]

"The president is not correct," the former official said. "The White House called him out of the blue. Comey didn't want to do it. He didn't even want the rank and file at the FBI to know about it."

And for failing to make out with Donald Trump's taint, James Comey was fired.

In his interview with Lester Holt, Donald Trump confessed to obstructing justice, admitting he fired Comey because he wants the Russia investigation to go away. Here is the full quote:

"I was going to fire Comey knowing there's no good time to do it. And in fact when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said, 'you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it's an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won.'"

As you read this account from the New York Times and the threatening tweet pasted above, you might be thinking Donald Trump is very Nixonian. Wonkette can exclusively report that Trump is way fucking stupider than Richard Nixon, in that he says VERY LOUDLY all the things he's supposed to be "shhhhhh" about.

We have one more question about the tweet above, and it is WHAT THE HELL IS DONALD TRUMP EVEN TALKING ABOUT? Does he mean to suggest he wraps his tiny hands around his "Walkman" and "records" his "conversations" with "people" at the "White House"? Or did he actually mean to put "tapes" in quotes, kind of like how the "tape" that may or may not exist, of Donald Trump gleefully jizzing himself while he watches Russian pee hookers pee on things, is probably not a literal VHS "tape," but more like a "DVD" or a "laser disc" or an "unembeddable video from Mediaite because Mediaite is a dick who doesn't like to share"? We are just asking.

Trump really pissed the FBI off by firing Comey. Now, by threatening Comey on Twitter, you can be certain the rank-and-file of the FBI is even more pissed off than it was yesterday, and they will most certainly do what they can to repay Donald Trump "IN KIND," as an FBI official said this week. How might they do that? Vox has a fun 'splainer about that, which you may read by clicking here!

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[New York Times / NBC]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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