Welcome, G-7 Leaders, To Trump Miami Trash Palace, Ass-Grabs And Bedbugs For Free!
The White House announced today that the Trump administration has decided, after extensive analysis of all the available data, to hold the next Group of Seven summit at Donald Trump's Trump National Doral golf resort in Miami, because that's obviously the best place for it that will result in a big payday for the "president" of the United States.
The decision was announced by (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, who apparently won a competition for who could say with the straightest face there was no conflict of interest. Why Doral? Well obviously it's simply the best choice, for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Donald Trump owning the place. No, you see, the team used the same criteria for selecting a site that other administrations have, and by complete coincidence, chose Trump's Bedbug Palace.
Sort of makes you wonder, if the criteria were the same, why no previous administration had chanced on Trump Doral. They probably all realized it was perfect, but then went elsewhere because they were JEALOUS of what a great location it is. Fox News should probably demand an investigation into why Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton all discriminated against the Trump Organization like that. Even though Trump has only owned it since 2012.
Mulvaney insisted -- again, without giggling one bit -- that the Doral location would cost "millions of dollars less" than any other possible location, you bet.
The committee bodged together to pretend it was looking at possible locations was simply amazed to discover Trump Doral was the only really good site:
"Doral was far and away the best physical facility for this meeting," Mulvaney said. He said that the administration examined 10 sites before choosing this one. Mulvaney quoted an anonymous site-selection official who he said told him, "It's almost like they built this facility to host this type of event."
And then a bald eagle flew in through an open window and landed on the official's shoulder as a choir sang "America the Beautiful." (The eagle later attacked Trump and had to be euthanized.)
As has been noted since Trump first floated the idea in August, this is pretty goddamned unprecedented: a US president awarding himself a contract to host an international meeting that will generate millions of dollars in revenue.
Oh, OK, fine, if you really want to know, Mulvaney admitted in response to a reporter, the idea happened to come from the Great Man himself, but that just means he has a great sense of how to pick a location! The committee, which certainly hadn't thought of Doral until then, was struck by what a brilliant idea it was!
Oh, by the way, if anyone wants to see any of the records of that extensive site search and evaluation, said Mulvaney, you can shut your piehole, because that's none of your goddamn business.
Oh, and since this will be Donald Trump's World Party, this time around there simply will be no discussion of climate change, which is not real.
Also, no one should read anything at all into the timing for next year's conference, because as the Washington Post points out, it only happens to be during the resort's slow season. But that was surely not a consideration, no no no.
For the Trump Organization, the event would bring guests to fill unfilled rooms, as well as a glut of global publicity.
The summit will also come to Doral at a particularly good time — June, when Miami is steamy and its business usually drops off sharply. In 2017, the hotel reported that June was its second-slowest month, with just 38.3 percent of its rooms occupied. Only August, at 31.1 percent, was slower.
That's not self-enrichment; it's courtesy -- Trump just didn't want all those big international delegations to be inconvenienced by regular guests, don't you see?
In conclusion, looks like we have a new article of impeachment, the end.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.