Who the hell is Alan Futerfas? We're going to get to the latest Trump Foundation Fuckery in a minute, but we're just wondering how this guy, a mob lawyer from a three-person boutique firm, who just last year was getting paid by the RNC to represent Don Jr. personally, wound up as the chief lawyer for the Trump Organization and now the Trump Foundation? Not that we begrudge Mr. Futerfas the lovely house in the Hamptons, which he's undoubtedly working his ass off for. But, as we said two months ago,

Maybe Alan Futerfas was always the guy who was going to deal with the fallout from the campaign finance fuckery in New York. In the beginning, when he was theoretically representing Don Junior personally for issues arising from the campaign, his firm was paid upwards of $200,000 by the RNC.

Or maybe he was hired to represent Don Junior on his Russian issues, and he took one look at the Playmate payoffs and told Junior he was about to be in DEEP SHIT with the New York Attorney General, the Manhattan District Attorney, and probably every person who ever put a nickel into a Trump-branded property. Who knows?

But it is a hell of a coincidence that an attorney who made his bones defending the mafia is representing a president who's going on television to denounce RATS and FLIPPERS and screaming that cooperating witnesses should be ILLEGAL. Almost like they knew in advance that on top the fallout from the Russia investigation they were likely to face investigations for cooking the Trump Org books, filing a false tax return, fuckery in the Trump "charitable" foundation, and a massive conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws.

Don't sleep on Yr Wonkette! Because this morning Futerfas marched into Manhattan Supreme Court and pounded the table at the gross injustice of the New York attorney general charging Donald Trump and his three oldest kids with self-dealing because they used giant cardboard checks from their charity as props at campaign rallies.

From NYAG complaint against Trump Foundation

Sure Corey Lewandowski directed the distribution of funds in direct contravention of New York law, which requires the charity's board to meet, direct distributions, and keep records. And okay, yeah the checks were "presented" to charities at campaign rallies, including in Iowa a week before the Iowa Caucuses. But the money did go to charity, so how even can all that free publicity be a donation to the campaign?

But Judge Saliann Scarpulla, who previously told the Trumps to get their shit together and settle this thing already, seemed unimpressed by Futerfas's histrionics. As she repeatedly reminded him, his motion to dismiss can only succeed if, accepting the state's facts as implicitly true, the court can find no legal cause of action. So the fact that all the money went to charity is interesting, but not relevant. And screaming about how much Eric Schneiderman hates Donald Trump is neither interesting nor relevant.

Judge Scarpulla will rule on the Trump Foundation's motion to dismiss after the New York Supreme Court Appellate Division decides whether Donald Trump can be held in contempt for refusing to sit for deposition in the Summer Zervos defamation lawsuit. Trump's personal attorney Marc Kasowitz (another repeat offender) argued last week that that "mere assertion of jurisdiction by any court over the president" offends his imperial majesty. Which is not what the court held in the Paula Jones case, but okay. Also, the guy who spends every fourth day on the golf course and watches two hundred hours of television per week is far too busy presidenting to answer questions. It is essential that Trump "must be always in function," whatever the hell that means.

While we wait for the courts to decide, here's a little Pop Quiz. Ready?

Which other Trumpland employee figures in both the Foundation fuckery and the pornstar payoffs?

If you said Allan Weisselberg, award yourself 10,000 Trump Scandal Superfan points! Until he flipped this summer, Weisselberg was the Trump Organization's CFO, who approved the reimbursement of Michael Cohen for the Daniels payoff and kept the books for the Trump Foundation. Or as Alan Futerfas called him, just the "bookkeeper." Probably just a coincidence that Futerfas is out there slagging the guy who kept the books on the Trump Foundation, the pornstar payoffs, and God only knows what other business fuckery, right?

UH HUH.

[Courthouse News Service / Adam Klasfeld Twitter]

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