Give Donald Trump a trophy, because he was serious about coronavirus for about nine seconds earlier this week, which as far as we can tell is a personal record. Don't worry, he's back to his old fundamentally unserious and criminally stupid racist self.

Trump did one of his coronavirus lie-pressers yesterday, where he demands his servants perform corona-lingus on him on live TV. We didn't watch it live, because nobody watches them anymore. The networks are increasingly not carrying them, at least not in full, because they are full of lies and public health risks. It's especially pointless after Trump said the quiet part loud a few days back and bragged about the ratings for the pressers. Fuck that.

Aaron Rupar over at Vox is still live-tweeting them, though, so we can see the important information we missed. Like for instance, that Trump is not only number one at global pandemic counts, he is also number one at Facebook, at least according to him:



TRUMP: Did you know I was number one on Facebook? I mean I just found out I'm number one on Facebook, I thought that was very ... nice!

He is not number one on Facebook. Trump has 26 million fans on Facebook, Barack Obama has 55 million. So even while Trump is bragging and fucking off about coronavirus again, he is lying.

Chrissy Teigen had the only appropriate reaction:

After fielding a question about how undocumented immigrants are going to survive, since they're affected by the coronavirus crisis too, and they're not getting any help from the Trump adminsitration, Trump said well, that's sad, what a sad question, but fuck 'em. Then he explained what's going to happen after the crisis is over, to "economy":


TRUMP: We're gonna have a boom economy. I think it's gonna go up rather quickly. Maybe very quickly. And maybe slowly.

So either BIGLY economy growth, or UNBIGLY economy growth. It will be one of the two. Which one? Don't ask Donald Trump, how would he know?

Oh, you guys! Mike Pence was there! Pence said people who don't have health insurance won't have to worry about getting sick with COVID-19, because "what we're seeing health insurance companies do, today, John, is really inspiring." Aren't you inspired now, by the health insurance companies?

After Pence was done talking, Trump complimented him for not answering the journalist's question about uninsured people with COVID-19.

And then Trump blamed Barack Obama, who stopped being president at noon on January 20, 2017, for the Trump administration's fuckups with rolling out coronavirus testing, which happened in the year of our Lord 2020.

What happened? Trump "inherited bad tests." From Obama. For coronavirus, a virus that did not exist during the Obama administration.

Trump got into a big fisticuffs play-fight with John Roberts of Fox News, because Roberts noted that Trump had disbanded the pandemic response team at the National Security Council, which was one of Trump's first of many fuckups in our current crisis. "False story!" screamed Trump, who was lying. (Trump is on camera admitting that he disbanded the pandemic response team.)

This next video is good. No really!

Seriously, it's great, because it exposes Trump as the stupid racist one-trick barking dog he really is. A reporter asks Trump about surging domestic violence, and Trump is like "HEYYYYYYYY, DID SOMEBODY SAY MEXICAN VIOLENCE?"

It's like the old Gilda Radner "violins on television" sketch, but racist!

Elsewhere in the presser National Security Advisor Robert O'Brien talked some weird shit about drug traffickers and Attorney General Bill "Big Lots Roy Cohn" Barr talked some weird shit about drug traffickers.

Then Barr licked Trump all over his butt, and then O'Brien licked Trump all over his butt. They were still talking about cartels:

We don't call 'em "corona-lingus" pressers for nothin'!

Here is the part where Trump talked about CARAVANS AT THE BORDER AIYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE!11!11! CARAVANS AT THE BORDER!111!1!1!!

Aren't you feeling better about Trump's handling of the coronavirus situation, now that Trump has distracted you with Mexicans? We sure are.

Oh, this part is about coronavirus! Trump says other countries don't even know about social distancing. Pretty funny since Trump is so close to his buttlickers he can probably feel them licking all over his butt.

There was some shit-talking about Iran, because Trump has been shit-talking at Iran on Twitter, because that always works well for him and it's just so relevant right now, during an alleged coronavirus briefing. (Hey media, in case you have not noticed, this was not a coronavirus briefing.)

As the presser ended, Trump said he just had a perfect call with Brazilian leader Jair Bolsonaro, and that Bolsonaro was just doing an incredible job with coronavirus. Aaron Rupar notes that Bolsonaro, like Trump, is fucking this up so badly that governors in Brazil are paying zero attention to anything he says and does at this point.

And that was it! Time was wasted, zero information of value was imparted, more people died of coronavirus while Trump was licking his own butt about his Facebook numbers, and then after that even more people died, because Trump is the stupidest person in the whole entire world and nobody in his administration cares enough about America to 25th Amendment his ass, so guess we'll just keep holding on for dear life and listening to President Cuomo and hope our friends, family and other loved ones don't die, MAGA MAGA MAGA MAGA MAGA!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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