Donald Trump, 45th president of the United States, flew to Puerto Rico on Tuesday to comfort hurricane victims acrobatically suck his own dick on camera and just generally be the petulant little troll we all know and loathe. This was quite a feat, because Trump has previously explained that Puerto Rico is very hard to get to, because it is in BIG OCEAN, a place no man has ever gone before.

During Trump's visit, he did all the things you'd expect. He got everybody to say nice things about him, he said nice things about himself, he took a gold-plated shit on the people of Puerto Rico, and he was rude to San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz, who is guilty of the grievous crime of being a woman who gives no fucks about his fragile ego. Oh, and he told them about F-35 airplanes, because he tells EVERYBODY about those, and because they are obviously Puerto Rican hurricane victims' FAVORITE.

Here, have a video. Let's see how many shitty, tone-deaf things one unqualified puss-grabber can say with his mouth in 90 seconds. SPOILER, it is a lot!

Mick Mulvaney is here, right there, and Mick is in charge of thing called BUDGET. Now, I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you've thrown our budget a little out of whack.

Puerto Rico is very sorry, will not get hurricaned again, Mister Trump.

If you look at a real catastrophe like Katrina ...

As opposed to Hurricane Maria, which may not have even happened. Don't believe everything you see on CNN!

And you look at what happened here with really a storm that was just totally overpowering, nobody's ever seen anything like this. What is your death count? ... 16 people, certified. 16 people versus in the thousands. You can be proud of all of your people, all of OUR people working together.

Let's all pat Donald Trump on the dick for Puerto Rico's death count! (Of course, that's the official death count as of this second. It is sadly likely to grow.)

As we noted, Trump, who holds grudges against women who make him look tiny and weak and sad, was very rude to San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz, the mean lady who offended the president right on his thin skin, by telling the world people are dying in Puerto Rico:

Indeed, he did! He congratulated the governor for "not playing politics" by only giving Trump "the highest marks" in his response to the hurricane. Got that? If you criticize Trump, you are Fake News. If you lift his massive orange spray-tanned gut to give him a free handy on his un-presidential penis noodle, you are being FAIR.

Here, watch that video if you hate yourself and have nothing better to do:

And as we noted above, Trump also found some time to talk about the F-35 airplane, because that's way more interesting to suffering Puerto Ricans than boring shit like "electricity" or "drinkable water." The Washington Examiner's Dave Brown captured the whole transcript:

"We are ordering hundreds of millions of dollars worth of new airplanes for the Air Force, especially the F-35. Do you like the F-35?" Trump asked military representatives in attendance at a briefing in San Juan. One of the officers referred to it as a "game-changing technology" and "awesome airplane." "I said, how does it do in the fights and how did they do in fights with the F-35? We do very well. You can't see it, literally, you can't see it. So it's hard to fight a plane that you can't see, right?

"But that's an expensive plane that you can't see. And as you probably heard, we cut the price very substantially, something that other administrations would never have done. That I can tell you."


Donald Trump soars in his invisible airplane. Pew pew!

Heckuva job, dipshit.

Joy Reid with some more context:

She's right. Google it.

So to sum up:

  • Puerto Rico is TOO 'SPENSIVE, whereas AIR-PANE! AIR-PANE!
  • Puerto Rico governor is nice, but San Juan mayor bleeds from her wherever like a common Megyn Kelly.
  • And finally, Hurricane Maria isn't a "real catastrophe" like Katrina. (Subtext: For all who say Maria is "Trump's Katrina," the president has one response and it is "NO KATRINA. NO KATRINA. YOU ARE THE KATRINA.)

After his briefing, Trump scooped up Melania and Sarah Huckabee Sanders in his flabby meat arms and went to talk to hurricane victims on the street. He finished one of these conversations, WE SHIT YOU NOT, by telling them to "have a good time." WE SEEN IT ON THE TV:

We can hardly wait for Trump to go to Las Vegas tomorrow, so he can tell them he prefers cities that DON'T get shot up.

And also about the F-35.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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