Happy Thanksgiving, America! The President's Brain Is Broken.

Donald Trump's brain has officially gone away, y'all. Everybody say bye-bye to the president's brain!

Trump sat down with Fox News's Chris Wallace this weekend, and we don't know if he had just finished huffing a bunch of paint (probably), or if he's just so freaked out about Robert Mueller that his words are even less coherent than usual (yep), or if he's just the stupidest person in America, therefore this is just how he is (yep yep yep!). It was ... well, it happened!

Trump began the interview by saying that it's fake news that he's been having three million temper tantrums per day ever since the midterms, so you can just forget about that. His mood is not dark, it is "very light," as you can tell from his demeanor for this whole entire interview. Trump began by saying he "did well in France," except for that whole part about how he started the trip insulting Emmanuel Macron on Twitter, then stayed in the hotel by himself as much as possible so he could be grumpy, and also so he could avoid getting his roadkill hairdo wet in the rain. Other than that, flawless!

Here are some more highlights:

It's not Donald Trump's fault Matt Whitaker is so smart and good and correct about how there was NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION.

Trump started off this section by just flat-out lying and saying he didn't know that Meatball McPorkchop, the empty-headed thug he picked to kill the Mueller investigation, was an outspoken critic of the Mueller investigation. He then patted himself on the back for making such a good choice, because can you imagine if Whitaker thought there was collusion? That would make him so dumb, because Trump knows there was no collusion. Did you know there was no collusion? There was no collusion.

TRUMP: What do you do when a person is right? There was no collusion! [...] So if he said there is collusion, I'm supposed to be taking somebody that says there is, because then I wouldn't take him for TWO reasons. The number one fact is that he would've been wrong!

Trump didn't list the number two reason, but maybe it's because Trump just likes being close to the guy who used to sell Big Penis Toilets, for people with such gargantuan penises they cannot make dumps in regular toilets.

Donald Trump answers Robert Mueller's questions very goodly and ALL BY HIMSELF.

WALLACE: Your team is preparing written answers to questions ...

TRUMP: No no! Not my team! I'm preparing written answers! I'm the one that does the answers! Are they writing them out? They write what I tell them to write.

And he is DONE writing the answers and it "wasn't a big deal" and the questions weren't even hard, SHUT UP.

OK! Now is the time in the interview where we eat Mohammed Bone Saw's ass!

Donald Trump does not want to listen to the tape of Jamal Khashoggi being murdered, because it is a "suffering tape." He knows it was very bad, though, which is why he's willing to believe Saudi crown prince Mohammed Bone Saw when he lies to Trump repeatedly and says he didn't order the killing, even though the CIA has concluded MBS definitely did do that.

WALLACE: Did MBS lie to you, sir?

TRUMP: I don't know. Who can REALLY know? [...] He told me that he had nothing to do with it. He told me that, I would say, maybe five times, at different points ...

WALLACE: But what if he's lying?

TRUMP: ... as recently as a few days ago.

WALLACE: Do you just live with it, because you need him?

TRUMP: Well, will anybody REALLY know?

Not you, Mister President!

Donald Trump did not lose the midterms, YOU LOST THE MIDTERMS!

Everybody's talking about the Democrats winning the House, but nobody talks about how Donald Trump singlehandedly won the Senate. Did you hear about that? No you didn't, because nobody's talking about it.

Donald Trump was not on the ballot this time, YOU WERE ON THE BALLOT!

Inexplicably, Trump, after explaining that he won the Senate, started talking about how he wasn't on the ballot anyway, so it doesn't matter. Here's a nice "Morning Joe" compilation of Trump telling the Grunt People at his rallies that actually he was on the ballot, so please vote:

Now is the part of the interview where we shit all over ADMIRAL MCRAVEN, because we are a very, very small man.

If you need a reminder what a piece of shit Trump really is:

You remember when Admiral William McRaven spoke out in the Washington Post and asked Trump to take his security clearance away, because if Trump was going to do that to John Brennan and the rest of his political enemies, he'd like to be counted among that group? We always wondered how Trump would respond to it whenever he finally decided to weigh in. Now we know.

WALLACE: Bill McRaven, Retired Admiral, Navy Seal, 37 years, former head of U.S. Special Operations --

TRUMP: Hillary Clinton fan.

WALLACE: Special Operation --


You have to understand that Trump is cutting in PETULANTLY here to say Hillary! Clinton! Fan! Which is not even true. Part of why it was such a big deal when Admiral William McRaven, the guy who killed bin Laden, spoke out against Trump is that he is notedly apolitical. But not in Trump's wee brain! Deep in those crevasses, McRaven is Hillary! Clinton! Fan!

WALLACE: Who led the operations, commanded the operations that took down Saddam Hussein and that killed Osama bin Laden, says that your sentiment is the greatest threat to democracy in his life.

TRUMP: OK, he's a Hillary Clinton backer and an Obama backer and frankly --

WALLACE: He's a Navy SEAL --

TRUMP: Would it have been nicer if we got Osama Bin Laden a lot sooner than that, wouldn't it have been nice? …


Just after that, unbelievably yet also very believably, Trump, because he is the weakest person with the lowest self esteem in THE ENTIRE WORLD, said bin Laden lived in a beautiful mansion in Pakistan just so he could say it wasn't that beautiful.

To be clear: Osama bin Laden is dead. Barack Obama and Bill McRaven killed him after George W. Bush couldn't find the time. And Trump cannot handle any part of that. Literally Obama was in the middle of killing Bin Laden that night at the White House Correspondents Dinner when he was making fun of Trump. That's how badass Barack Obama is.

For the record, McRaven has responded to Trump's babyshits tantrum about him. He doesn't fucking care.

Finally, a few more bits and pieces!

Why didn't Trump go to Arlington National Cemetery on Veterans Day? He was busy with CALLS. (This is a lie. He was busy tweeting and he didn't want to get his hair wet.)

Why hasn't Trump visited any of our troops in war zones? Because he's a fucking pig and can't be bothered. (He didn't say that.)

And finally, how does Trump arrive at his decisions? What is his process, so to speak. He doesn't have one. He doesn't think. He just fucks shit up, and when he's done, he goes and fucks more shit up, because he's a failure.

Happy Thanksgiving, America! This is really your president. For real, though!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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