Trump Getting Ready To Sign A Big Old Stack Of Get Out Of Jail Free Cards
Yay! Daddy's giving out pardons. What fun!
Whether Trump will burn down the White House on the way out the door remains to be seen. But before he presses that bell on January 19 and orders up a gallon of lighter fluid with a sidecar of Diet Coke, the president will be giving his pardon pen a serious workout. The New York Times and ABC reported yesterday that Trump's minions are encouraging him to pardon Vanky, Deej, and, oh, what the hell, Eric, too.
"The kids have been through enough," a top advisor told ABC. And by "kids" he did not mean the hundreds of children separated from their parents at our southern border. No, he was referring to the president's large adult children, ages 42, 39, and 36. Perhaps sensing that such a statement might subject a person to everlasting scorn and ridicule, said advisor insisted on anonymity.
But discretion isn't really part of Sean Hannity's brand, so Trump's BFF took to the airways Monday to urge his old pal to get cracking on all those get-out-of-jail-free cards.
"The president out the door needs to pardon his whole family and himself because they want this witch hunt to go on in perpetuity, they're so full of rage and insanity against the president," blarped the man who is still calling for Hillary Clinton's imprisonment seven years after she left the State Department.
The Times says that Rudy Giuliani is also seeking a pardon for some reason. Can't think why, though. We're just wracking our brains, coming up with a whole lotta nothin'. According to Maggie Haberman and Michael Schmidt, Rudy asked Trump about a pardon last week.
According to Rudy, this is bullshit.
#FakeNews NYT lies again. Never had the discussion they falsely attribute to an anonymous source. Hard to keep up with all their lies.— Rudy W. Giuliani (@Rudy W. Giuliani) 1606837575.0
And if you can't believe the guy who spent the past two years flogging Russian propaganda about Joe Biden, then claimed to have gotten Hunter Biden's laptop off a blind computer repairman, who can ya believe?
Incidentally, there's an interesting article up at the Daily Beast by former federal prosecutor Kenneth McCallion suggesting that Our Roodles may be trying to save his own hide by pretending the election isn't a done deal — essentially pretending the election isn't over in an attempt to extend the "blackout period" when the DOJ takes no action that might affect the vote. Could be!
Back at the White House, the main issue is whether Trump can pardon himself, a question that largely boils down to whether Justices Kegstand and Bony Carrot will let him get away with it. Beyond that, though, the talk devolves into exactly what he'll pardon people for. His vile children haven't been charged with any particular crimes, and even Rudy has managed to keep one step ahead of Johnny Law. While Ford pardoned Nixon for all crimes during his presidency, Trump might have to get a little more specific if he wants to make it stick. And if he's going to detail all the things Rudy needs forgiveness for, he might run out of pens. And time.
In a normal administration, most pardon applications undergo a formal review by the Justice Department. But nothing has been normal for four years. That's how we wound up with pardons for Rod Blagojevich, Joe Arpaio, Eddie Gallagher, Roger Stone, and Michael Flynn. And maybe next, the Tiger King?
Oh, you think we're kidding? Take it away, ABC, prove your Wonkette ain't no liar!
"We've heard from the Tiger King," said one source, who added, "You wouldn't believe the amount of calls, some insane, we've gotten."
"We are waiting on the pen to hit the paper, we think we are very, very close," Eric Love, an attorney for Joseph Maldano-Passage, aka Tiger King Joe Exotic, said about a potential presidential pardon.
Cool, cool. Let's take comfort in the fact that most of the prosecutable shit Trump and his kids did likely took place in their business. Trump has been able to keep his tax returns under wraps for four years, but Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance will have his hands on those business records in a hot second, and New York Attorney General Letitia James is close on his heels. And there's no presidential pardon for state crimes.
TICK TOCK, MOTHERFUCKERS.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.