Trump And Gingrich Totally Understand Women, Just Like Beloved Monarch Henry VIII
According to several sources, Newt Gingrich has been hoping to be Donald Trump's VP pick, and has been spotted passing him notes that say "Do you want to go to the White House with me, check yes or no!" under the table at several fundraising events, and also on Fox News, and also anywhere anyone is willing to listen to Newt Gingrich, wherever that is.
This weekend, Trump revealed that Gingrich is in fact on his short list for VP, and that is a thing that some GOP insiders are VERY excited about. Tingly, even!
According to an article published Monday in the National Review, the two are beautiful "kindred spirits" due to both their ability to harness white male anger and their many divorces. Which, in case you were unsure, is totally a plus, because it shows they "understand women." Unlike Hillary Clinton, who knows absolutely nothing about how much women enjoy it when their husband presents them with divorce papers when they are in the hospital recovering from uterine cancer so he can go marry another lady.
“I think Newt is lobbying to be the vice president, and I think their people are paying a lot of attention to him,” says Ed Rollins, a Republican operative and former Gingrich staffer now working for a super PAC supporting Trump’s candidacy. “It’d be a ticket with six former wives, kind of like a Henry VIII thing,” Rollins says. “They certainly understand women.”
Alex Jones is a reasonable person who believes Donald Trump would make a good president, and Michelle Obama murdered Joan Rivers to keep her penis a secret.
You know who also understood women really well? Former Young Republican leader Ted Bundy, who understood them well enough to get at least 30 of them to help him out with his groceries so that he could murder them.
The "We've Had A Bunch Of Divorces"/Henry VIII ticket is a really great angle, and Republicans should for sure go for that, especially if they want to appeal to family values voters. They will for sure be impressed by the fact that both of these fellas love heterosexual marriage enough to do it three times each!
Sure, a lot of people think Henry VIII was kind of a bad dude, but that is because they have been indoctrinated by liberal teachers who want you to think that executing your ex-wife is bad or something, probably in order to push their evil feminist agenda. But keep in mind that these are the same sort of liberal teachers who feed lies into impressionable children's heads about the Spanish Inquisition and the Crusades not being awesome things, and try to tell them Christopher Columbus didn't actually discover America and God didn't invent the earth in six days a few thousand years ago.
One thing we can all be sure of is that if we end up with President Trump and Vice-President Gingrich, the reign of Henry VIII will start looking really good.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse