Trump Gives 'Fake' Interview Where He Blames Lady For Ruining Brexit And The Muslim For Breaking London
Donald Trump was his usual "Be Best"-est self during a rambling, maniacal interview with The Sun, which he'd later claim didn't actually happen, where he attacked Prime Minister Theresa May and London Mayor Sadiq Khan, and insisted that the European Union was going to hell because of all those brown people.
Questioned on [Boris Johnson's] comments at a private dinner two weeks ago that Mr Trump "would go in bloody hard" if he was negotiating Brexit, the President swiftly replied: "He is right."
He added: "I would have done it much differently. I actually told Theresa May how to do it but she didn't agree, she didn't listen to me.
"She wanted to go a different route.
"I would actually say that she probably went the opposite way. And that is fine.
"She should negotiate the best way she knows how. But it is too bad what is going on."
This sexist sack of crap had his feelings hurt because May, an Oxford-educated longtime member of Parliament, didn't act on the savvy political advice of a guy who was hosting a reality TV show three years ago. Trump fancies himself a "Brexit" expert because it was the dumbest thing Britain has ever done, and his presidency is the dumbest thing the US has done. He frequently boasts that he "predicted" a great country would do something self-destructively stupid, while Barack Obama was confident it wouldn't. Egg on the Kenyan's face! This somehow qualifies Trump to moronsplain to May, who probably just nodded in polite horror and silently wondered what the "bloody hell" was on his head.
"You know, deals that take too long are never good ones. When a deal takes so long, they never work out very well."
Mr Trump also went even further in questioning whether Mrs May's new Brexit plan upholds the referendum result — which he claimed he predicted two years ago. He said: "The deal she is striking is a much different deal than the one the people voted on.
"It was not the deal that was in the referendum. I have just been hearing this over the last three days. I know they have had a lot of resignations. So a lot of people don't like it."
Trump's pathological misogyny complicates US relations abroad because two of our major allies (Britain and Germany) have women leaders whom Trump publicly insults, and two of our major geopolitical foes (Russia and North Korea) are led by dickish dictators with dicks whom Trump constantly praises and sends mixtapes. Trump even suggested to the Sun that Johnson could be a great PM for literally no reason other than the former foreign secretary says "very good things" about him. Strong women who don't stroke his engorged ego to a happy ending infuriate Trump, which puts America at odds with the free world.
A big US-UK trade deal, long promised by Mr Trump, is cherished by Leave campaigners as Brexit's biggest prize.
But the President said Mrs May's plan "will definitely affect trade with the United States, unfortunately in a negative way".
He explained: "We have enough difficulty with the European Union.
"We are cracking down right now on the European Union because they have not treated the United States fairly on trading.
NARRATOR: The European Union has treated the United States fairly on trading.
But, wait, there's more! The president doesn't just openly disrespect leaders with lady parts, he's also a repulsive racist who likes to randomly attack decent people with the last name Khan.
"I think allowing millions and millions of people to come into Europe is very, very sad.
I look at cities in Europe, and I can be specific if you'd like. You have a mayor who has done a terrible job in London. He has done a terrible job."
Please share with us, Mr. President, all the totally non-racist reasons behind your assertion that London's first Muslim mayor has done a "terrible job"? (And why do you keep repeating "terrible job" like it's a sample loop in a Klan rally dance track?)
"Take a look at the terrorism that is taking place. Look at what is going on in London. I think he has done a very bad job on terrorism.
"I think he has done a bad job on crime, if you look, all of the horrible things going on there, with all of the crime that is being brought in."
That sounds familiar. Trump kept repeating his awful theory that migrants from the Middle East and Africa are "permanently changing the continent for the worse." He takes that as a personal affront because he's a "product of the European Union" (the nice white parts).
Hilariously, Trump demonstrated his typical unfairness and lack of self-awareness when he slammed Mayor Khan for criticizing him and his policies, because he "represents America." This was literally after he harshly criticized Khan, who of course represents London, but I presume Trump will demand to see a birth certificate.
Trump fittingly wound up an interview with a British publication by claiming he was bigger than Jesus ... I mean, Lincoln.
Mr Trump added: "You know, a poll just came out that I am the most popular person in the history of the Republican Party — 92 per cent. Beating Lincoln. I beat our Honest Abe.
This claim alone should trigger the 25th Amendment because it is impossible to conduct a poll of a sitting president a decade before the telephone was invented. Trump is such a small man that he confuses popularity with greatness, when he's got neither. The former is fleeting and the latter is something Trump will never understand let alone achieve.
Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.