Trump Giving Devin Nunes Presidential Medal Of Freedom, But No Medals For Devin's Cow :(

Donald Trump has rendered the Presidential Medal of Freedom meaningless. He gave it to Edwin Meese. He gave it to Arthur Laffer. He gave it to Rush Limbaugh. Basically, if there's anybody you wouldn't want your kids sitting next to on an airplane, Donald Trump has probably given them the Presidential Medal of Freedom, or will sometime in the next 16 days.

Speaking of, Devin Nunes is getting one! Yes, GOP Rep. Devin Nunes, who did more as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee to protect Donald Trump from getting caught committing election-stealing crimes with Russia's help than just about anybody besides Trump himself. A guy who is dumber than dogshit, who sued an imaginary Twitter cow for tormenting him, is getting the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which is, again, meaningless when awarded by America's worst president in its history, its most loathed president, the biggest loser to ever walk planet Earth. You might as well wear a t-shirt that says "I'm with that stupid seditious traitor."

The Washington Post reminds us how Trump has been wanting to do this forever, as he explained in a "Fox & Friends" interview in 2018:

Trump initially — and incorrectly — called for Nunes to receive the Medal of Honor, which is awarded for acts of military valor, before correcting himself and suggesting that Nunes receive the Medal of Freedom.

"What he's gone through, and his bravery, he should get a very important medal," Trump said.

"He should get a very important medal." What fucking president says that? We guess those are technically words, but they are not the words of a person worthy of the presidency.

So yeah, Devin Nunes, who has never met a Trump conspiracy theory he wasn't dumb enough to believe, is getting the medal. Devin Nunes, who is RELEASE THE MEMO!11!1!!1!1 Devin Nunes, who acrobated himself out of an Uber in 2017 to run to the White House to get secret "intelligence" on devious UNMASKINGS!11!!1 of Trump campaign people, which he immediately shared with the White House, and we were supposed to act like these were the acts of a serious person.

The White House explains why Devin is getting the fancy medal, if you'd like to take a journey into Trump's masturbation fantasies about Deep States and Obama people and WIRE TAPPS:

In 2017, Congressman Nunes launched an investigation into the Obama-Biden administration's misconduct during the 2016 election – and began to unearth the crime of the century. As a result of his work, he discovered that the infamous Steele Dossier was funded by the Clinton campaign and the Democratic National Committee. He found that a senior Justice Department attorney was married to one of the architects of the document. He learned that the Obama-Biden administration had issued Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) warrants to spy on President Trump's campaign and illegitimately unmasked several innocent spying victims for political gain.

Devin Nunes' courageous actions helped thwart a plot to take down a sitting United States president.

OK, that's enough of that DSM-V-worthy batshit. For more on why Devin Nunes doesn't deserve this or any other medal, check out his hometown paper the Fresno Bee.

Jim Jordan, Nunes's equally insane buddy in the House, is also getting it. We don't know if Jordan is getting it for screaming batshit clown words the loudest during the impeachment of Donald Trump for extorting a foreign country into helping him steal the 2020 election. It might be for that. Maybe Trump is just really impressed with how well Jim Jordan sticks his fingers in his ears while people are bringing forth credible claims of sexual abuse happening in locker rooms all around him. It might also be that.

Anyway, Fucking Devin is getting his today, and Jordan is getting his later this week.

Know who is not getting a Presidential Medal of Freedom? Devin Nunes's cow. No, we don't mean the fake Twitter cow he sued, who hurts his feelings, though Trump isn't giving that fake cow any trophies either. We mean his REAL cow, which we assume he has at least one of, because of how he is a verified dairy farmer. If Devin is a real dairy farmer, which he definitely is, then deductive reasoning says he has a cow, and we imagine that cow deserves a medal way more than Fucking Devin does.

Poor cow. And after being such a good emotional support cow for Devin all these years, ALLEGEDLY.

This post treats Devin Nunes winning the blue ribbon in Presidential Medals of Freedom with far more respect than it deserves.


[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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