Trump Hates Jeff Sessions For His Hick-Talkin' Cousin-Fuckin' Trump-Supportin' Southern Accent

You gonna let the president talk about y'all like this, southern Trump idiots?

Before any ignorant ass person out there starts whining about our headline, we need to make sure you know that, HOWDY, Y'ALL, THERE IS A SOUTHERNER WRITIN' AT YOU RIGHT NOW. And if you are a southerner, you know that accents in these parts run the gamut, from those who have no accent at all to those who sound like like "Hee Haw" on bath salts. In between, there are elegant, educated accents, dirty but charming Arkansas and North Mississippi accents, Cajun accents, Appalachian accents, and we forget what else, but every damn one of us says "y'all," because it is one of the most useful words southerners ever forced into the dictionary.

Our point is we'll make fun of Jeff Sessions's accent all we want. It's not that he sounds uneducated, it's that he speaks sooooooo slowly ... OK fine, taking our southern license here and saying he sounds like A Idiot.

But guess who really really really hates Sessions's very slow drawl? It is Donald Trump! Apparently he really hates people who sound like Jeff Sessions AKA many of his own supporters and also half the ass-licking sycophants in the House GOP who love him so. Isn't that mean and nasty, Trump supporters of 'Bama and Miss'sip' and Tennessee and Georgia and Lou'siana and Arkansas and Kentucky and Virginia and North and South Cackalacky and the Florida panhandle and East Texas, and also Congress? HE THINKS Y'ALL SOUND LIKE COUSIN-FUCKIN' GOAT-LOVIN' MORONS.

Politico reported on Trump's distaste for Jeff Sessions's "Deliverance" mouth in its latest Jeff Sessions Death Watch article, which came out a couple hours after Wonkette's most recent Jeff Sessions Death Watch article. 

If Sessions' recusal was his original sin, Trump has come to resent him for other reasons, griping to aides and lawmakers that the attorney general doesn't have the Ivy League pedigree the president prefers, that he can't stand his Southern accent and that Sessions isn't a capable defender of the president on television — in part because he "talks like he has marbles in his mouth," the president has told aides.

JEFF SESSIONS, JUS' CHOMP CHOMP CHOMPIN' ON MARBLES! DON'T SWALLOW ALL YER MARBLES, JEFFERSON BUTTERBEANS, MAMA COOKED YOU UP A BIG OL' POT O' ROADKILL STEW FOR DINNER!

Trump supporters? He hates you. He really, really, really, really hates you. He's not one of you . He just knows you're the only cohort in America stupid enough to fall for his shit. You are his useful idiots, the only people in America who will still clap and hoot and holler and make armpit farts when he walks in the room. Does that make you sad ?

If you're not sad yet, did you catch that thing in there about how Trump hates that Sessions doesn't have an Ivy League pedigree? You see, Sessions went to undergrad at Huntingdon College in Montgomery, Alabama, and he learned how to do law-talkin' at the University of Alabama, also known simply as "Alabama," also known as ROLL TIDE, ROLL.

That's right, Alabama Trump supporters, Donald Trump hates you for your ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLL TIDE!

And by extension, we guess he hates pretty much all southerners who went to SEC schools and didn't cheat their way through Wharton like he did (allegedly). You gonna let the president talk shit about the SEC school you went to and your mama and daddy went to, and their mamas and daddies before that, Trump idiots?

Even Laura Ingraham knows how dumb it is for Trump to say shit like this out loud:

Very unwise if @realDonaldTrump is criticizing Sessions’ accent and legal pedigree—unless POTUS wants to offend his… https: //t.co/aVoEUYmS7P

— Laura Ingraham (@Laura Ingraham) 1535640113.0 

Joyce Vance, the legal expert you see on MSNBC all the time who hails proudly from Alabama and has one of the most elegant and comforting accents we have ever heard, noted the slight:

Trump criticizes his Atty General’s southern accent & Alabama law school diploma, despite Alabama’s top ranking sup… https: //t.co/ZyvGh5uOFf

— Joyce Alene (@Joyce Alene) 1535638564.0 

So, Trump supporters in the South, what do you think, now that you know with 100% certainty that your president is an East Coast snob who hates every sound you make with your dirty bucktoothed face-holes? We are just asking, as a Southern liberal who has a hell of an accent when he wants to and finds this shit HILARIOUS.

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[ Politico ]