Trump Healing America With Race Speech Best Trump Idea Since 'Bleach'

Y'all, there is an idea floating around the White House, for Donald Trump to heal and unify America with a speech about race, where he'd badly read Teleprompter words somebody else wrote for him, after which racism would obviously be solved forever. Because he's so good at reading and racial healing. Who will write this speech? We don't know, but if we were giving the White House advice, we'd say maybe keep Stephen Miller way from this one? Maybe Ivanka could just kidding Ivanka sucks at speeches too.

This is the best idea in the history of the Trump White House having ideas.

White House officials are currently deliberating a plan for President Donald Trump to address the nation this week on issues related to race and national unity, as Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson hinted in an interview with CNN on Sunday and a senior administration official said was under serious consideration.

Yes, Ben Carson did do an interview this weekend. "I would ask you to maybe reserve judgment until after that day," Ben Carson said to Jake Tapper, about Donald Trump AKA "The Healer" doing a speech on racial reconciliation.

Because if Ben Carson — yes, Ben Carson — says Trump is going to fix race, who among us would dare to disagree? You know, besides black folks, who are pretty grossed out by what Carson has become?

Anyway, this will be great, aren't you feeling healed already? Last time Trump addressed the nation during this time of unrest and outrage, he staged a photo op where his attorney general gave the order to gas some peaceful protesters so Trump could waddle across the street and piss on baby Jesus by holding a Bible upside down in front of a church while declaring some fascism. If Trump's "Heal The World" speech is even half as good as that, then this should be tremendous.

(Barr spent the weekend lying and saying he DID NOT EITHER give that order and those WERE NOT EITHER peaceful protesters — they were — and that besides, pepper spray isn't even a "chemical irritant," which it most certainly is. Fuck Bill Barr.)

CNN reports that Trump's people have just been distraught like a common Susan Collins, watching how Trump has fucked this all up. But, then that hinky as fuck jobs report came out on Friday, which was incorrect, and that was the BESTDAYEVER, which led Trump to say George Floyd was probably smiling in heaven, because of how BESTDAYEVER. Now, according to CNN, there has been an "optimistic shift" in the White House, and you know how well things tend to go when the Trump White House starts laboring under the false impression that it's doing a good job.

Why wouldn't Trump do a racism speech, to heal racism? He has AT LEAST five black friends (Carson, Candace Owens, Diamond, Silk, and Mark Meadows's black friend), and we bet a supergenius in the White House (hi Jared) has already had an idea for them to stand behind Trump, while he does the racism and the healing.

Oh yes, and the "law and order," because you know how America loves Trump's declarations of fascism:

Allies and advisers believe that the lack of violence over the weekend allows the President to double down on his "law and order" message, painting the relative calm as a direct result of his push for "domination" in the streets, a source close to the White House told CNN.

Yeah OK. That's definitely why things chilled out this weekend, because of Trump's LAW 'N' ORDERIN'. Also the Trump White House reportedly thinks that since protesters are saying "defund the police" a lot now, Trump can use that, to declare more fascism. All of this is the best plan.

Will this really happen? God we hope so! Dunno. CNN does after all say they're just "considering" this, days and weeks after it would have been appropriate.

Is this like trying to put a fire out with gasoline? Kind of! Also kind of like trying to put out fire with MORE FIRE.

This is as good as Trump's other ideas, like the way he wants to solve forest fires by "rake forest" and "win election" by "steal election" and "cure coronavirus" by "bleach."

This week is going to be stupider than last week. Don't know if this speech will be part of that, but if there's one rule in Trump's America, it is that this week is always stupider than last week, no matter what week it is.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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