Trump Heartbroken About Humans Dying At Capitol We Mean Golf Tournament Canceled At His Trashy Jersey Club
Donald Trump GIF

Let no one say Donald Trump doesn't have feelings. It's just that he doesn't have feelings about things unless they personally make his dick feel small. For evidence of this, please see his months-long coup.

Maggie Haberman reported Monday that Trump is just broken up this week. No, he didn't wake up yesterday and realize that people were murdered in the United States Capitol because he ordered an attack on American soil, and just all of a sudden it hit him that maybe that was bad. He will likely never feel an emotion about that, besides how last week he did reportedly see live footage of the attack and thought it looked "low class." He loathes his supporters and finds them dirty.

But yeah no, what Trump is upset about this week, obviously on top of the whole thing about how he's the biggest election loser who ever lived, is that the PGA Tour canceled its 2022 tourney at his low-class garbage resort in New Jersey.

He's upset about Twitter. He's upset about about how he's about to be the first president who's such an un-American piece of shit he's going to be impeached twice.

But he's "gutted" about the golf thing.

Golden Girls Lol GIF by HULUGiphy

We know there's a lot going on, but we'd like you to just pause to enjoy how pathetic that is. While you're at it, if you'd like to take pleasure in how emotionally wounded he is right now, go for it.


The PGA Tour did indeed announce the other night that it was getting the fuck out of Bedminster, and not just because it didn't want all the golfers to get bedbugs inside their buttholes, on account of how Trump resorts seem to get kinda bedbuggy sometimes, ALLEGEDLY.

"It's become clear that conducting the PGA Championship at Trump Bedminster would be detrimental to the PGA of America brand and would put at risk the PGA's ability to deliver our many programs and sustain the longevity of our mission," [PGA of America president Jim] Richerson said in a video posted to the organization's website. [...]

"It was a decision made to ensure the PGA of America and the PGA professionals can continue to lead and grow our great game for decades to come."

Pretty obvious decision, we think. The Washington Post reports that the Trump Organization is of course whining about the PGA's "breach of binding contract," yadda yadda, jackoff emoji dot gif.

But listen, it gets better.

Literally the same day, AKA yesterday, the Royal and Ancient (R&A), which puts on the British Open, also said it wouldn't bring its happy nicetime tournament to Turnberry in Scotland EVER. They weren't planning one, but remember how Trump ambassador to the UK Robert "Woody" Johnson got caught literally begging the UK to send the British Open to Turnberry? This is the R&A very loudly just saying not no, but fuck no.

Trump's garbage resorts were already money-losing money pit garbage holes, and we already knew that once Loser McCrimeFace was out of the Oval Office, a hell of a lot of people were never going to want to be associated with his loser brand again. But strangely enough, it seems like Trump's business prospects have just gotten a lot more grim, with him ordering an insurrectionist attack on the American government and whatnot. Who woulda thunk?

And that could be pretty bad for him, considering how it appears Trump has way more debt than he has dollars, and all the bills are coming due very, very soon. (Eric Trump says everything's fine. "There will be no shortage of incredible opportunities in real estate and beyond," said dumb Eric, we guess probably alluding to Russia bailing out Daddy a whole bunch more.)

But wait, it gets better!

Guess who else pulled out of Trump last night? Haha GROSS, sorry we just typed that, but it was Deutsche Bank, literally the only major bank in the world that was willing to work with him. He owes them LOTS of money.

But wait, it gets better!

The Post and the New York Times have compiled all the corporations that have told Trump and his organization and his campaign to eat shit in the past few days so far. Shopify banned the Trump Organization from selling Trump Panties or whatever in its online store. JLL, the real estate company that was handling trying to sell Trump's garbage money-losing hotel in DC, fired its loser Trump clients.

Another bank the Trumps had done business with, Signature Bank, has officially told the Trumps to fuck off, and also please to resign. Oh yeah, and it's not just Trump they're treating like a state sponsor of terrorism after last week's attack. As the Times reports, bank spokesperson Susan Turkell stated that Signature "will not do business in the future with any members of Congress who voted to disregard the Electoral College."

But that gets us into a whole other hilarious post about the free market doing invisible hands to all these goddamned fucking traitors, and this post is about Trump Blubbering Sad About Golf Thing.

Eight more hellishly long days. At least we can celebrate the unraveling of all Trump's hopes and dreams.

And he can't tweet about it.

[Washington Post / New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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