Trump HEREBY DECLARES He Is Boss Of Telling US American States When To Re-Open, LOL Stupid Idiot

Donald Trump is having more tantrums this fine Monday:

You know that thing when you have a bad toddler and you are trying to have a nice dinner but your bad toddler is full of anger and rage and whining about they want to go HOOOOOOOME and they don't wanna go to BEEEEEED and whatever else your bad toddler thinks they need right now? This is that, but with an allegedly 243-pound 73-year-old stupid ass "president."

And he's just pretty sure he is the boss of when the states will re-open after the coronavirus lockdowns.

He is not. Funny, though, how there is totally a federal government when it comes to Trump barking orders to make himself feel better, but not when states are begging for coronavirus tests and PPE.


May 1 Is The New Easter!

The news is full of stories right now about how Trump, having lost his battle to reopen the country by Easter, is now obsessed with re-opening the country by May 1, medical experts be damned. He wants America to re-open with a "BIG BANG"!

Late last week, the Washington Postreported that Trump was thinking maybe he could re-open America before May 1, because this whole situation is really "hurting his presidency and reelection prospects," according to people who know him. (It's not about whether your Nana dies. Even if Nana is a Republican who would vote for Trump. This because on top of his selfishness, he is rip-roaring stupid and short-sighted.)

Trump's brain is getting filled with nonsense, the Post reported, by folks like Marc Short, Mike Pence's chief of staff, who just already thinks we've overreacted to coronavirus, because of how The Models were all wrong. Wingnuts are obsessed with "the models" right now, because they don't understand "the science." One thing they don't understand is that numbers are going down because of social distancing practices, and models with lower current projections assume we will keep social distancing and the stay-the-fuck-at-home-ing until the end of May. Not the beginning of May. The Washington Postquotes Christopher Murray, director of the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington, which made the model the White House looks at the most, who said on CBS's "Face The Nation" that if we fuck around and re-open too early — on Trump's timeline, in other words — then "by July or August, we could be back in the same situation we are now."

By the way, Short organizes the task force meetings in the Situation Room, and apparently they send out the seating chart every morning, and it is very exciting like "Game Of Thrones" to see who gets to sit where! That is according to a "senior administration official" quoted in the Post. Yes, they're spending time on seating charts like a bride who doesn't have enough other shit to do. Trump doesn't usually go to those meetings, but a week or two back, he did manage to waddle down to the Sit Room, and that was when he got into a fight with Dr. Fauci and expressed his confusion over why we couldn't just let coronavirus "wash over the country," which was an idiot thing Boris Johnson used to say before he got the rona. Fauci responded that a holy shit number of Americans would die.

Trump allegedly got the point.

So are Trump's own actual experts telling him we can re-open by May 1? FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn kinda pissed on that idea on ABC "This Week" on Sunday, saying, "It is a target, and, obviously, we're hopeful about that target, but I think it's just too early to be able to tell that we see light at the end of the tunnel." Meanwhile, Dr. Anthony Fauci stressed on CNN that when we do re-open, "it's not going to be a light switch," and that we're going to have to do this in phases, to try to keep another massive outbreak from firing right back up. But he did say maybe it could "probably start, at least in some ways, maybe next month."

You know, perhaps.

Is Fauci Gonna Get Fired? Proooooooobably Not.

Fauci also agreed this weekend with the general notion that if Trump had stopped thumbfucking himself in the ass a few minutes earlier, we might be in a much better situation. That made Trump idiots SO MAD GRRR ARGH, and they started retweeting things about #FireFauci, because Trump supporters are the stupidest, worst people in America.

Trump himself RTed a #FireFauci. Is he really going to do that? Eh, probably not. The smarter people in the White House, all two of 'em, will talk Trump off the ledge on that one, just like they talked him off his "re-open by Easter" ledge.

But that doesn't mean Trump doesn't want to do it, because Fauci is a real doctor and a real expert and Trump HATES guys like that. Reportedly, Trump spent all of Easter weekend asking his best pals if they hate Dr. Fauci just like he does.

Whatever. Fauci is probably safe.

For now.

Relax, The Best People Are Still In Charge!

Meanwhile, the Postreported this weekend on how the White House now has approximately 48,000 "task forces" to fight coronavirus, and none of them agree with each other, so if you want yet another depressing read on how America is facing the greatest challenge of our lifetimes with the absolute most incompetent and malevolent people possible at the wheel, feel free to read it. They have no plans for getting hospitals the equipment they need, they have no plans for widespread testing, either regular coronavirus tests or antibody tests to find out just how widespread in the population exposure has been. They have nothing.

But Trump's gonna order the states to re-open by next Tuesday, yeah sure, you bet! He's got a "opening our country council," just for that!

There is at least a sub-task-force that is a group of doctors, and if your Republican Nana is telling you how awesome hydroxycut hydroxychloroquine, the anti-malarial drug Trump, Dr. Oz, and Dr. Rudy Giuliani are touting as a miracle weight-loss boner pill, really is, tell Nana how this task force was specifically convened by Dr. Deborah Birx because she was sick of the "voodoo" cures that were dominating the full task force meetings:

The group is led by Birx — who asked Pence for permission before forming it several weeks ago — and includes Fauci, [coronavirus czar Adm. Brett] Giroir, Surgeon General Jerome Adams, Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Stephen Hahn and CDC Director Robert Redfield.

It sprang up after some of the doctors grew frustrated with the "voodoo" included in the larger meetings, such as Trump's hydroxychloroquine push, one senior administration official said. Health officials, including those at the FDA, have been routinely distracted by requests from the White House, even as experts argue that the top priorities should be a vaccine and a drug that is ready by the fall.

Hey, did y'all hear that they just had to stopanother hydroxychloroquine study, this time in Brazil, because of major cardiac side effects and people kept dying? That happened.

But Anyway, Let's All Big Bang Each Other (With Coronavirus) On May 1! The President Says That's An Order!

As we noted, Trump is dumb as shit in that tweet if he really thinks he can hereby order states to do what he wants. Absolute idiots like GOP Gov. Greg Abbott in Texas are going to re-open, and they're going to kill their own citizens in the process. Meanwhile smart governors like Phil Murphy in New Jersey are correctly noting in the Post that to re-open too quickly would be like "pouring gasoline on the fire" that's already raging.

According to Johns Hopkins, there are almost 550,000 confirmed COVID-19 cases in the United States right now, and almost 22,000 Americans have died. Of course, because our testing regime is still shit, both numbers are a massive undercount. We have not even begun to peak yet.

To be clear, this sucks. Because Donald Trump is so stupid, he seems to actually think experts like Dr. Fauci and liberal governors like Andrew Cuomo are just loving this, and want to keep America closed just to hurt him, as if every single person in this country is not experiencing emotions of frustration and sadness and loneliness, wanting life to get back to normal.

We are not building up to some grand statement, just noting how stupid Trump is, because this is yet another article about how fucked we are, because Trump is the stupidest person in America.

In summary and in conclusion, when you are getting "Well Actually"-ed by Ben Shapiro, and Ben Shapiro is right? That means you are pretty damn stupid.

The end.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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