Trump Idiot Kellyanne Conway Shocked Hillary Clinton Not Winning More Bigly

bad at job

We were wondering for a moment where the hell Donald Trump's campaign manager Kellyanne Conway had gone. Had she simply given up? Was she secretly so disgusted by having to defend rapey Donald Trump that she died of hypocrisy? But nah, she's been making the rounds in advance of the third and final presidential debate, and she's been stepping on landmines of derp the entire time, like she usually does.

"Let's go on CNN," thought Kellyanne Conway, "where we think it would be very good strategery to say Hillary Clinton should be winning the race MORE BIGGERLY, due to how the media is #rigged against Trump!" And so she did:


She has so many advantages. She has endless money. She's got a lot of the media. She has a very popular president and first lady out there campaigning for her.

I will tell you, I’m mystified as to why she can’t get to those 52–53 percent numbers in some of these states given the disadvantages we’re handed every day.

TRANSLATION: Hillary's got that badass president Obama and his even more badass wife Michelle! Hillary's got more money than we do, because she's smarter when it comes to raising money than we are! All we've got is a failed businessman who looks weird and has bad hair and won't release his taxes and says sexual things about his daughter and has been accused of groping all these women, brags about grabbing them by the pussy, and also he's a pig turd racist. Just going by the words coming out of my mouth, I'll take this paycheck from Trump or whatever, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to go balls-out #I'mWithHer once I'm in that voting booth!


"Let's go on MSNBC," thought Kellyanne Conway, "and say something from the reality-based community about how there's no evidence there will be any kind of widespread voter fraud, which is sane and correct and good, but runs COMPLETELY counter to what my Orange Dildo-Flavored Boss is telling his bigoted, conspiracy theory-slurping base, about how all the dead brown people are going to steal the election for Hillary." And so she did:

MSNBC ANCHOR STEPHANIE RUHLE: ... Do you believe there will be widespread voter fraud?

CONWAY: No, I do not believe that, so absent overwhelming evidence that there is, it would not be for me to say that there is. We know that ... people who are dead are still on the voter rolls, we know that people are voting a couple different times in places, so there are reports here and there. But I think Donald Trump's point is a larger one ... there is a larger conspiracy, larger collusion ...

TRANSLATION: I, Kellyanne Conway, am dying inside. My dignity as a human being is at stake here. If I close my eyes and wish really hard, can I go somewhere else, anywhere but here? Maybe a beach or something, with a really good book and one million boxes of wine, and also in this scenario I get to have a do-over on my life choices over the past six months.

BAD JOB, KELLYANNE CONWAY, but we feel your pain. Not in the "We'd also be dumb enough to work for Donald Trump, and thus could imagine walking in your shoes" kind of way, but in the "Oh dear, what a shitshow" way.

You really need to watch the whole MSNBC interview, because Stephanie Ruhle grinds Conway into a fine dust and gets her to say all kinds of fun dipshit stuff. Like so:

  • On why Donald Trump's lady accusers are totally lying, bro: "He has denied it, and his wife agrees with him."
  • On how she looks her kids in the face at night, after spending a day defending Donald The Lady Groper: "STEPHANIE, THAT'S NOT FAIR."
  • On why Obama's half brother Malik is coming to the debate as a guest of the Trump campaign: "We're very inclusive!"
  • On what Trump should do in the debate Wednesday night: "Focus." (Hahahahahahaha OK.)

One more time: BAD JOB, KELLYANNE CONWAY. Also, Wonkette hopes you get a really nice, long vacation and one million spa days after your candidate Donald Trump loses, because you deserve it.

[CNN on Twitter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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