Leader of the stupids

There is a thing that happens every year on the internet, and it is that noted liberal radio thingie NPR engages in the communist hippie gay act of tweeting the Declaration Of Independence on July 4. They also say it out loud on the program "Morning Edition." We are not sure why they waste Americans' time doing something like that on a holiday dedicated to eating grilled meats and making fireworks go boom, but, you know, "intellectuals" ruin everything. But this year, at long last, Trump supporters were NOT about to let some UNPATRIOTIC LIBERALS engage in such activities without REGISTERING THEIR DISAPPROVAL. These are their stories ("LAW & ORDER" SOUND "DUN-DUN!").

We will not try to curate every erudite Trump supporter response to every line in the Declaration, because ain't nobody got time for that, but we will give you a healthy sampling:

"When in the course of human events ..."

FAGGOTS! Haha just kidding, that was Wonkette doing an impression of a Trump supporter.

HAW HAW! If you go to NPR's Twitter feed, you'll actually be disappointed wading through the threads, because it seems a message has gone out in Trump land that they got tricked by life and verifiable facts yet again, and have deleted many, if not most, of their tweets hating on the Declaration of Independence. But Buzzfeed found a few great ones! Of course, Buzzfeed is LIBERAL, so they probably MADE THEM UP to make Trump supporters look like DUMB PEOPLE WHO HAVE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS:

Twitter liberal person Parker Malloy also was paying attention and found a few nice ones:

In fact, when they got to the line about "tyrants," some baby snowflake Trumpers were MUY TRIGGERED, because obviously big gay NPR was talking about Donald Trump. "Too soon!" they cried, because Twitter on July 4th is a wholly inappropriate place for such anti-American talk:

Ah yes. But if all liberals got deported, who would write the warning labels that say things like "Don't eat this frozen pizza without cooking it" or "don't play with your toaster oven in the bathtub"?


Oh did you hear Donald Trump got lost on the way to his limousine, which was parked directly at the bottom of the stairs coming down from Air Force One? That is a thing that happened. It's a good thing nobody told him NPR was tweeting cusses about him, from the Declaration of Independence, as he might have gotten stuck on those stairs for the rest of his life (and stairs are SCARY), as he rage-tweeted himself to death at those awful liberals who don't even own one #MAGA hat.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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