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Now that Donald Trump has been cleared by an attorney general who was hired for the express purpose of clearing the president, in a letter that's six words long ("NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, STABLE GENIUS!" we think is what Bill Barr wrote), it is just obvious that Adam Schiff should lose his position as the chair of the House Intelligence Committee, and he should probably resign from Congress, and he should probably go back to California and go to jail, because he says Russia too much. That's what we are learning from the Trump people who are speaking to the press right now, because if you thought they weren't going to go from zero to overreach in record time, you haven't been paying attention to Trump people.

Here's House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, quoted by Politico, overreaching:

"[Schiff] owes the American public an apology," McCarthy said. "Schiff has met the standard that he has imposed on other members of Congress of when they should step back from their positions. He has exceeded that standard, and there is no question he should step down from the Intel chairmanship."

Awwww look, it's somebody who needs to go fuck himself, and his name is Kevin McCarthy.


But it's not just McCarthy. Politico reports that Kellyanne Conway, teller of truth, also wants Schiff to quit for misleading the American people, and of course the president's son Shitmouth Junior has weighed in on Twitter:

And the braindead new Texas congressman with the eyepatch -- the one who we guess gets his feelings hurt when he watches "Saturday Night Live," just like Mister President! -- also weighed in on Twitter:

Airhead sure does babble a lot, doesn't he?

The Washington Post explains that the White House is creating a whole strategy out of attacking Schiff all the time, and that they think that now that the COLLUSION WITCH HOAX has been revealed for the COLLUSION WITCH HOAX it is, they will be able to win on all the issues, because of how Donald Trump has credibility now:

Raj Shah, a former White House spokesman who is now advising the campaign, described the findings by Mueller as "a complete and total kill shot."

"It speaks volumes to the credibility the president is going to have when making the case on the economy, on crushing ISIS, on any number of topics," Shah said, using an acronym for the Islamic State terrorist group. "The way to do this is, 'They weren't telling you the truth about this thing, they aren't telling you the truth about ISIS, they aren't telling you the truth about the economy.'"

That's right, people will suddenly forget that President LieFucker is a total LieFucker, because they are too busy being mad at Adam Schiff for saying Russia too much. Solid plan, boys.

We already knew the Trump campaign wanted Schiff banned from the TV, because of how he says Russia too much, and now he just refuses to accept that Bill Barr wrote 26 words ("Donald Trump had the biggest inauguration crowd in history, and won the most historic Electoral College victory, and he had a legendary penis the entire time!" we think the letter said) that completely exonerated Trump of all Russian crimes past, present and future.

Schiff, who basked in the applause of colleagues during a closed-door meeting of senior Democratic lawmakers earlier in the day, told reporters he stood behind previous statements that he'd seen "more than circumstantial evidence" of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia.

"There's both circumstantial and direct evidence," he said, describing the offer of help from the Russian government steered to Donald Trump Jr. that led to the June 2016 Trump Tower meeting with a lawyer connected to the Russian government.

Know what we'd really like to see? Robert Mueller's report. Because we weren't born yesterday, and we have been painstakingly analyzing and making dick jokes about Trump's Russia scandals for GOING ON THREE MOTHERFUCKING YEARS NOW, and Schiff is correct.

Know what we bet Donald Trump and Donald Trump Jr. and all the rest really don't want to see? Robert Mueller's report. Because we think on some level they are fully aware of how full of shit and lies they are right now.

House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler has sent a letter, also signed by Schiff, demanding the full Mueller report by April 2, which should be fine with Trump and his collection of morons, because if it really exonerates the president and his family and his campaign as much as they say it does, they'll surely be running naked through the streets giving free copies to literally anyone who doesn't recoil and immediately die in a puddle of ash in reaction to seeing those gross people naked.

Anyway, they are EXONERATED! At least until more of the truth comes out! And people in the White House are telling Politico reporters that they have a new lease on life and stuff! And Donald Trump's psychologically sound brain and ultra-svelte body are OUT FOR BLOOD, and in the words of Steve Bannon, he is going to go "full animal" now:

"There are a lot of people out there who have done some very, very evil things," [Trump] told reporters in the Oval Office. "I would say treasonous things against our country. Hopefully, people that have done such harm to our country — we have gone through a period of really bad things happening — those people will certainly be looked at. I've been looking at them for a long time, and I'm saying, 'Why haven't they been looked at? They lied to Congress.' Many of them. You know who they are. They have done so many evil things."

Oh take a fucking valium, Jesus Christ.

As we have been saying, we need to let these fuckers crow, as obnoxious as it is. Not only because you really do have to just let toddlers cry/scream/giggle/shit their pants until they get it all out of their system, but also because it'll be more fun to watch them fall when the next shoes start to drop -- oh GOD there are so many shoes left to drop -- if they've really built themselves up and convinced themselves they're good people loved by the Lord and that they deserve joy.

Anyway, Adam Schiff is not going anywhere, and none of the other badass Democrats investigating Trump are going anywhere, but we hope Bill Barr's dumbfucking letter keeps Trump and all his people warm at night.

[Politico / ibid. / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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