Rude Bey, controlling Donald Trump like that.

"When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster ..." - Beyoncé

"When I grab her by the pussy, I take her ass to Haverty's, but she still won't fuck me because I'm rapey and gross ..." - Donald Trump, in so many words.

Class, we will now discuss (because Trump-supporting poop goblins are discussing it) how those two quotes basically say the same thing. It is a truism in American politics, going all the way back to the Revolutionary War, that ancient and ageless she-beast Beyoncé is behind most bad things that happen. And she's done it again! You see, all those nasty, rapey things Donald Trump has said about ladies, both the "GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY" thing, and the millions of other disgusting things he has said, can be traced directly back to Queen Bey.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Salon points us in the direction of a couple nice examples of Trump supporters playing the rap music card, like Scottie Nell Hughes (you know, the one who sticked her fingers in her ears and cried so much because Ana Navarro wouldn't stop shouting "PUSSY!" at her), who brought up the evils of rap music in relation to Trump's comments. Ben Carson's adviser Armstrong Williams agrees Trump's comments are just like "rap music," but does not say whether Ben Carson has ever been caught on tape grabbing them by the pussy and taking them to the Popeyes Organization so they can watch him stop armed robberies.

As for Trumpers playing the actual Bey card, we have known moron (and Obamacare "death panel" liar) Betsy McCaughey, and also too, some dick from The Daily Caller, Tucker Carlson's internet home for thoughtful, adult discussions about consensual sexual intercourse. Let's look at McCaughey first, on CNN:



MCCAUGHEY: I abhor lewd and bawdy language, I don't listen to rap music. I don't like that kind of thing. But Hillary Clinton, when she expresses ...

DON LEMON: Wait, you said rude and bawdy rap music ...

MCCAUGHEY: Bawdy language. ... I mentioned rap music because it's full of the F-word, the P-word, the B-word, the A-word ...

LEMON: I don't think anybody likes that, but those people aren't running for president.

MCCAUGHEY: Yes, but I wanted to point something out, which is that Hillary Clinton expresses that she finds the language on that bus horrific, but in fact she likes language like this: "I came to slay, bitch. When he eff me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster."

At this point everybody is like "Hillary said wut?" and notes that Beyoncé said that, in her song "Formation." But that's McCaughey's F-word-ing point, you idiots!

MCCAUGHEY: Her favorite performer, whom she says she idolizes and would like to imitate. So, you know what I'm saying to you? There's a lot of hy-pocrisy ...

Nobody knows what Betsy McCaughey is saying to us.

Let's dip our toes in the Daily Caller's rancid waters for a sec and hope we don't get STDs on our feets:

Just kidding, that is too stupid to merit a response.

So here's the thing. As Spencer Kornhaber notes at The Atlantic, many conservatives are VERY CONFUSED right now, because they think normal people's real problem with Trump's words is that he said "pussy" and other naughty-naughties. Yeah well, just like Ana Navarro said, PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY!

The real issue is with Trump's flippant insistence that because he's a star, he gets to sexually assault women, and it's OK because he's Donald Trump. You see, Trump says he "grabs them by the pussy" and he also takes them furniture shopping when he's trying to "move on" married women "like a bitch." Beyoncé, on the other hand, is saying that when he fuck her good (CONSENSUALLY!) she take his ass to Red Lobster. Do you see how Trump's thing is way gross, and Bey's thing is that after some good lovin', everybody's ready for some Cheddar Bay Biscuits?

Kornhaber posts this tweet that says what we just said, in 140 characters or less:

We had already typed the paragraph above when we saw that tweet, but it's not surprising we had the same thought as the Tweeterer, because it's so frickin' obvious why this has jack-diddly to do with Beyoncé -- who does not brook pervy shit from dirty nasty menfolk like Donald Trump, by the way.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Of course, it's possible we're wrong and all this really is Beyoncé's fault. Remember how Donald Trump's pal Alex Jones has been telling us President Obama is raising an army of secret Beyoncés to make all the blacks kill each other, so Obama can declare himself president for life? Yeah well, how could Obama do that if he didn't include in his plan ALSO stealing the election from Donald Trump, by getting Bey to put some hot sauce in her bag in the year 2016 so she can, after being fucked good, fire up the chopper and take his ass to Red Lobster, precipitating a series of events that culminates in Donald Trump grabbing everyone by the pussy and being recorded bragging about it in 2005 -- what, you don't think the Illuminati can time travel? PFFFFFFFFFT -- and subsequently losing the election because everybody and their mom is so grossed out by Trump they can't even?

The plot is obvious and in everybody's face, THANKS BEYONCÉ, THANKS HILLARY, THANKS RED LOBSTER, THANKS OBAMA.

The end.

[Salon / The Atlantic]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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