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RUH ROH. Looks like someone just explained to President Babyshits that he had a really, really bad night last night. Which is probably why he was 25 minutes late for the press conference held downstairs from his bedroom and arrived slurring his words and looking like he slept under a bridge. Then he started talking.

HO. LEE. SHIT.

It started off slow, with the guy whose party took hundreds of millions from Sheldon Adelson, the Koch brothers, and the Mercers -- as well as "in-kind technical assistance" from a foreign power -- shouting about Democrats being bankrolled by "wealthy donors." Then it was on to some made up statistics, his favorite kind.


Then he said some nice words about Nancy Pelosi, after tweeting this morning that she "deserves to be chosen Speaker of the House." Because the syphilitic warthog snuffling around in his head told him it would mindfuck the Democrats, or .... ? No time now to analyze! Instead, it's time to abuse Republicans who lost their races BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T LOVE TRUMP ENOUGH.

Not for nothing, but Kris Kobach and Scott Walker lost. Brian Kemp is fighting for his life in a race that should have been a layup. And after Trump made sure that Mark Sanford lost his seat for criticizing Il Duce, Democrat Joe Cunningham just picked it up in South Carolina. But go on!

We go now to Republican Rep. Ryan Costello for a reaction.

Surely Pete Roskam, Carlos Curbelo, Erik Paulsen, Mike Coffman, and Barbara Comstock were similarly delighted to receive that presidential attention this morning.

Hey, did you miss that tweet this morning where Trump threatened to use the Senate's investigative powers and the Justice Department to retaliate against Democrats in Congress if they use the subpoena power to investigate his Russian ties? No worries, he'll repeat it for the cameras.

LUV 2 CONFESS 2 CRIMEZ ON TV!

Also, you can't see his tax returns because they are "under audit." And it wouldn't do you any good anyway, because he's, like, so rich that "people would not understand them." So simmer down, Plebes!

And speaking of plebes, Trump singled out CNN's Jim Acosta for special attack because Acosta didn't shut his mouth when Trump told him to. It was ... kind of horrifying and terrifying actually! Daddy's tired, don't make him mad!

It continued, because Acosta had the nerve to ask about CNN receiving pipe bombs from a lunatic who believed Trump's bombthrowing rhetoric about the media being the enemy of the people.

Here's one of the trained professionals trying to mug Acosta and grab the mike to stop him responding to Trump's lies. Because our government is staffed by really, really bad people.

And then Lindsey Graham put out a statement attacking the press for asking Trump questions and promising that he will do his best to put a stop to it when he becomes Defense Secretary and/or Attorney General. Okay, only half that statement is actually true. The other half is just implied.

Asked later about voter suppression, Trump blamed CNN for suppressing the vote with its polling. Which must be a great comfort to the black and brown people in Florida and Georgia whose ballots were tossed for "signature mismatch," or whose polling machines were shipped without electrical cords so they stopped working after four hours. Or Native Americans in North Dakota who were systematically disenfranchised because they had no street address. Or Hispanics in Kansas whose polling location was moved out of town away from public transportation for ... reasons.

That exchange was with sainted April Ryan, who does not have time for Trump's shit today. Or any day. The president singled out women of color for special attack, which will get its own post, because FUCK OFF, YOU RACIST PIECE OF SHIT. But speaking of racism,

There was so, so much more. Trump will be shuffling his cabinet "in two weeks," everyone wants to work at the White House because it's "hot," he could totally fire Robert Mueller any time, somehow China is paying for the tariffs by getting Americans to fork over more money for washing machines and cars, and so, so much more.

But we are still a bit dyspeptic from last night. So, that's enough for now. We won, they're scared, and shit's about to get really ugly, y'all.

[Aaaron Rupar Twitter / Daniel Dale Twitter]

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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