Trump Wants YOU To Vote Tuesday For JP Or JD Mandel Or Barbara Mandrell Or Whatever It Is

Last week we were treated to the most delightful new reporting about how and why Donald Trump ended up endorsing JD Vance for the Republican Senate primary in Ohio. Apparently, Tucker Carlson was on the phone with Trump and his yuck-faced son Donald Trump Jr., and they were giggling about how this guy David McIntosh, who runs the conservative Club For Growth, which is backing Josh Mandel, is allegedly somehow VERY weird at sex. Tucker told them that guy has a "chronic" sex thing of some kind, and apparently those three guys just couldn't stop laughing about dude's penis. Yes, that's what the story said, we are just reminding readers.

DELIGHTFUL! Oh Nothing, Just Tucker Giggling With The Trump Men About How Weird THIS OTHER GUY Is At Sex

This came on top of earlier reporting that Trump is obsessed with what Josh Mandel himself allegedly does under the sheets. The Daily Beast reported that, on top of Trump thinking Mandel is a "charisma-free weirdo and dork," he has "privately regurgitated, often in disgust, a wide range of unverified, often completely unvetted, and lurid rumors about the MAGA candidate." Also:

“The [former] president has used the term ‘fucking weird’ to describe Josh Mandel more than once, when I have spoken to him about” Mandel, one of [the Daily Beast's sources said]. “He has talked about [Mandel] and sex in the same sentence more times than I would have liked to hear.”

So obviously Trump had to endorse Vance. Trump is offended by even the suggestion of sexual impropriety! He is a devoted Christian, after all.

But it's possible Trump isn't as personally engaged in what's going on in Ohio as we thought, or maybe he's just senile (never!), because this weekend at a rally in Greenwood, Nebraska, he talked about how he had endorsed Dr. Oz and also "JP, right? JD Mandel, and he's doing great!"

JP! JD Mandel! Whatever his name is! Barbara Mandrell!

So that's why #DementiaDon is trending on Twitter.

As the Daily Beast notes, Trump was doing this rally ostensibly to help Charles Herbster, the "bull semen baron" running for Nebraska governor who's accused of sexually assaulting all those women. Trump said during the rally that Herbster had been "badly maligned." Trump can't endorse Mandel because he thinks that guy is fucking creepy, but we guess he's cool with allegations against the "bull semen baron." In case you're keeping score at home.

SUING! Nebraska GOP Gov Candidate Just Gonna Sue Away All His Sexual Assault Accusers

Politico Playbook reports that Mike Gibbons, one of the other candidates in the race, immediately pounced on Trump not even knowing the name of the guy he endorsed, saying, "To be fair, you really can’t blame Trump. No one knows who the real JD Vance is, as his views change faster than the weather in Ohio.”

After Trump's endorsement, JD Vance surged in the polls and appears to be doing pretty OK at the moment. Of course we have no idea what will happen how that Trump has introduced this new character "JD Mandel" into the mix.

By the way, in case you hadn't heard, the primary is tomorrow, so we'll see once and for all how this obnoxious damn race with its one million bugfuck candidates will come out.

BUGFUCK! Wheel Of Ohio GOP Senate Hopefuls Now Includes Guy Who Just Called Entire Middle Class A Freeloader

SPOILER: the winner will almost certainly be some kind of Trumpy A-hole, unless somehow state Senator Matt Dolan, who is a partial owner of the Cleveland Guardians baseball team, comes from behind to win. As FiveThirtyEight explains, Dolan is "the only candidate who has been willing to break with Trump, saying the 2020 election wasn’t stolen and condemning the Jan. 6 Capitol riot." It continues:

Dolan has made a point of saying that he’s not actually anti-Trump, but for his part, Trump is certainly anti-Dolan: The former president has attacked Dolan for the Guardians’ decision to shed its racist former name, the Indians (a decision Dolan says he actually opposed).

Yep, that's literally the closest thing the Republicans have to something resembling a vaguely normal human candidate.

And whoever wins will most likely end up running against Democrat Tim Ryan in the fall, and we have no fucking idea what's going to happen then, so don't ask us.

[Daily Beast / FiveThirtyEight]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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