Why Are You Peeing On Yourself, Donald Trump Jr.? (ALLEGEDLY!)
Let's take a break from the awful terrible news for a moment and check in with Donald Trump Jr. and his unfortunate face. As you may remember, Junior and his wife Vanessa are getting divorced, probably because Vanessa Trump is tired of waking up from nightmares about being married to a guy with that face and immediately seeing him sleeping next to her in bed with that face just leaving imprints on their nice luxury pillows. And the divorce has apparently been getting DIRTY, because "somebody" has been leaking stories to the New York Post about how Vanessa Trump used to write love letters to her MS-13 boyfriend in jail and Vanessa Trump used to date 9/11 and Vanessa Trump doesn't need any Trump money because she is swimming in Marinara Buck$, and so on and so forth. Who is whispering these Vanessa Trump Secrets in the New York Post's ear? Definitely not Junior!
Well now there is some new dirt about JUNIOR and it is not the story of how one time in college he got drunk and went to a plastic surgeon and said "OCCIFER, REARRANGE MY ENTIRE FACE TO MAKE IT HILARIOUS!" It is just about him being such a dumb white boy college drunk who used to pee on himself all the time, so much that he got the nickname "Diaper Don." WHY ARE YOU PEEING ON YOURSELF, JUNIOR? WHY ARE YOU PEEING ON YOURSELF? GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE PANTIES BEFORE YOUR NEXT RUSSIAN TREASON MEETING IF YOU KEEP PEEING ON YOURSELF, JUNIOR!
(Allegedly, you know.)
People reports on a new book from Emily Jane Fox -- you know, the one from Vanity Fair who's always on the TV with the hottest Michael Cohen news, because she's got access to all these gross motherfuckers. Fox's book is called Born Trump, and it tells all about Junior peeing on himself, probably to distract everybody from looking at his face:
While an undergraduate at the University of Pennsylvania, Trump Jr. reportedly earned a reputation around campus for his rowdy, inebriated habits — notably, passing out in his classmates' rooms, and wetting their beds.
"Diaper Don would wake up in some stranger's dorm room or off-campus apartment or bedroom in his frat house, covered in piss, walk back to his own room, and get blitzed that evening or the next anew," Fox writes.
That does sound like him.
This also sounds like him, because he's well known for being a fucking dick:
The young Trump's rambunctious reputation only intensified on a spring break trip to Jamaica amid March Madness frenzy, Fox writes. Drunk and bitter over a basketball loss to Florida State, Trump Jr. stood up on a table and chanted to Florida students, "That's all right! That's okay! You're gonna work for us someday."
Gotcha. It's sad how everybody was probably staring at the entitled white boy standing on the table doing chants, and wondering why it looked like there was a yellow fountain of pee coming out of his shorts. ALLEGEDLY.
For journalism accuracy, we should note that Junior's representatives told People that nuh uh Junior didn't do all this stuff, SHUT UP YOU GUYS.
Anyway, this sounds like a good book. We wonder if Fox was able to include more details about that viral but unconfirmed story about how Donald Trump would come visit Junior The Town Drunk Whose Face Just Looks Like That in college and immediately slap him in the face because he wasn't wearing a suit. That's a sad story, though, why did we even bring it up just now?
Oh well, let's end this post with a video Junior put on his Instagram of himself on the "Fox & Friends" TV program, wishing his dad a happy birthday, because we guess he doesn't have telephone privileges like Ivanka and Eric, because all the evidence suggests his dad doesn't really love him very much:
He could have just made his dad a card, but he probably would've accidentally peed on it, ALLEGEDLY.
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